To fall below adversity
by CrAzYMuNkY
Summary: They say that tragedy can bring a family closer; they don't tell you that's not the rule, but the exception. C/S. CD.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me.**

**A\N: I have no idea what I'm doing. This all started from a strange dream (I gotta stop falling asleep with the TV on...it's seriously messing with my dreams) that decided to stick in my head and not leave me alone. I've never written a story before, let alone ever posted anything online; this isn't my area of expertise, so any mistakes are completely mine. I'm not even sure what possessed me to post this, it's actually kinda scary...even if nobody ever sees this...I still can't believe I'm doing this. I'm actually a diehard GSR fan, but my brain decided this is what it wanted to write....so here I am. Anyway, if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this and know for future reference to avoid it at all costs and go on with your life.**

They say that tragedy can bring a family closer; they don't tell you that's not the rule, but the exception.

You would think in my line of work that I would know by now how fragile life is. That your seemly perfect existence that has taken you years to establish can be ripped away from you any given second without a moment's notice. You'd think that I would have realized after all these years of seeing people on what is probably the worst day of their lives, usually through no fault of their own, that statistically speaking one of these days my number would be up as well. After all, with life there has to be death; or so the saying goes. Yet, despite this all, here I stand paralyzed with fear and anguish, wondering how this could have happened to me and the ones I hold dear.

Sometimes with the help of hindsight being 20/20 you can experience a near miss of an almost disaster, only for the situation to resolve itself without any damage done and a lesson well learned. But that feeling of absolute panic when your heart stops for a few seconds before kicking back into high gear literally pounding so loud u can hear it and your body tingles from finger tips to toes shaking u where u stand, you can't help but let it change the way you look at life and those you love; at least for a few weeks anyway, until the memory of the paralyzing fear fades to a distant nuisance. But sometimes that pattern can change. Sometimes life doesn't resolve itself into one nice, neat little package. Sometimes you find yourself dumbstruck realizing that now your life will never be the same again and there is no going back this time. There is no second chance.

It's not that my life has been a picture perfect existence with a large white picket fence and all the trimmings, devoid of any hardship or suffering. I know fear and pain, they helped shape me into the person I am today. I'm not going to stand here and give you the cookie cutter response that suffering has made me a stronger person; I think that overcoming trials and tribulations has made me a more sensitive, empathic person; I had to mature quickly at a young age. But these last few years in Vegas have been wonderful. Despite our rocky, tense introduction, Catherine and I have developed a strong friendship that has recently developed into much more. I can honestly say I have never been more happy in my life. I moved in with Cath and Linds and have been given the family I never had growing up. It is beyond words. Linds has accepted me with open arms and even has started calling me her second mother. But I should have known it wouldn't last. I guess some people are just not meant to have a family.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine.**

**A\N: Thanks so much Nightlife666! at the risk of sounding like a kid,...this is so cool, people are actually reading this! It's intimidating and scary all at the same time. Other than the mandatory high school English class, I've never studied English or writing per say, so I'm totally open to constructive criticism to help me improve on this. I gotta see this thing through so I can finally walk my dog in peace without random quotes and lines going through my head about this bloody dream. Sorry it's so depressing, I fear it's only gonna get worse from here. This idea in my brain has the whole sad, depressing angst feel to it. Thanks again and take care!**

As I sit here in the hospital waiting room feeling sorry for myself, I can't get the chaos from the past few hours to stop repeating itself over and over again in my mind. It almost feels like it didn't happen to me, like I'm watching a horror movie; I feel strangely detached. But then the agonizing screams emanating from my lover echo in my ears and I realize this is happening to me, this is all too real. I'm not even sure how this all happened. We were on our way home from work together when Cath got the call. Some guy with a grudge against Sam, wanting to get rich quick took Linds hostage to bribe Sam for money. But my little one was too smart for that. I always knew she was too smart for her own good. She managed to call Cath unbeknownst to her captor and through talking to him was able to divulge enough information to us so that we could pinpoint her location. She's so smart, just like her mother. She hid the phone in her pocket and just started talking to the guy; asking why he brought her to the basement of the warehouse across from Sam's casino and pleading with him to stop pointing the gun at her face. We kept as quiet as we could while listening intently to her struggle; for fear of alerting her capture to her brilliant plan. I hope she knew that we heard her, that we understood what she was trying to tell us. I hope she found some comfort in the fact that help was coming and that she wasn't alone. Her voice sounded so small and scared, but she was so brave, so smart. The next few minutes happened very quickly. All training and experience flew right out the window. This was Cath's little girl, our little girl, not some stranger at a crime scene. In hindsight I can't believe we didn't call for backup right away. Thanks to Linds we knew the guy was armed. Things were just happening too fast, I couldn't breathe let alone think. Only as we were pulling up did I think to call for help. I'm surprised they even made out what I said. I was talking so fast, even to my ears it barely sounded like English. With Cath's mom instincts on high alert we none to gracefully ran through the warehouse, dodging old dripping pipes and cobwebs through the low ceilinged basement hallway. When we entered the room where my nightmares were born, the look of confusion and fear on the captors face was almost comical if not for the situation. There was a moment of eerie calm before all the yelling, threats and gun waving began. Three guns drawn in a life and death game of chess, each trying to calculate their next move. I guess the man must have seen Cath before, maybe in the presence of Sam; because most of his attention and ire was directed toward her. This gave me the opportunity to edge myself closer to Linds and get a clear shot at him without Linds being in the crossfire. Cath tried so hard to reason with him. She told him he would get the money he wanted, just to let her little girl go. You could see the wheels turning in his head and he even lowered his gun for a few seconds. For those brief few seconds I actually thought this nightmare would end. But then the wailing of the police sirens broke all of our trains of thought and in a moment of shock and panic the perpetrator snapped the gun back to Lindsey's head and two shots reverberated though the room. With those two shots my life ended.

So now I find myself sitting here in the uncomfortable chairs of the hospital waiting room still shaking in shock and fear. When I saw the gun being raised to my precious Lindsey's head I instinctively pulled the trigger. My shot was clean and true, right through the bastard's head, spraying his blood and grey matter across the room. The second shot is what will forever haunt me till the day I'm dead and buried; and probably beyond. In the final seconds of his miserable existence, whether it was intentional or a final reflex of muscles, his finger squeezed the trigger; sending the bullet into Lindsey's skull. Just like that, in literally a blink of an eye, my life was over. I killed my family. I killed my little girl. There was a fleeting moment of silence and then all hell broke loose. Cops running in guns waving and screaming. People yelling for paramedics. It all seemed like a blur save for one thing; the crystal clear image of Catherine on the floor of a dingy dirty basement, holding her only daughter in her arms covered in blood.

It's funny what the mind does to protect itself. As I stare at Catherine and Lindsey, for a split second I can't help but think that her shirt, that looks like it was specifically made for Cath's amazing body is ruined. The dirt from the floor and the blood will never come out. My shoes are also a right off; that thing on the floor that masqueraded as a human being's blood has seeped over to me and is making its way around my entire foot. That's when it finally hit me, my brain and body finally caught up with one another; my screams merge with Catherine's and echo across the room as I fall to my knees.


	3. chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A\N: Thank you so, so much for the encouraging reviews everyone! I was grinning like an idiot all by myself, staring at the computer screen when I saw them. This is actually really fun! Now I see why you guys do this! I've been reading stuff on this site for so long, but never had the courage to post myself. Sorry about the "u" in chapter one. I tend to do most of the writing on my phone while I'm on the train to work so I guess my texting instincts got the better of me there and I somehow kept missing it when I proof read this thing all those times. Thanks again!**

"I need a smoke....my feet hurt, my back hurts....and I need a smoke!" This was the recurring theme going through Nurse Elizabeth's mind as she weaved her way through the halls and annoyingly slow-walking people toward the ER wheeling an IV pole with her. That, and wondering why a hospital this big with all its money can't seem to afford a few drops of bloody oil for these damn IV pole wheels.

"Hello ER staff!"

"Hello ICU staff! What brings you to our part of town Elizabeth?"

"I come bearing a gift! One slightly used, possessed by forces unknown, squeaky IV pole!" Elizabeth happily proclaimed pushing said pole toward young medical intern John; which promptly squeaked and veered off seemingly with a mind of its own past his outstretched hand toward the nursing station, slightly bumping the desk.

"So you came all the way down here to bring us this? Awww, so kind of you!" pointing to another random ER nurse he continued, "See how hard the ICU nurses work, now if you..." The slap to the back of the head promptly ended his train of thought.

"Thank you Rob!" Elizabeth and her ER counterpart said at the same time then smiled. "Freaking interns...you wouldn't last a day out on your own with an attitude like that! Rule number one for an ER doc, respect the nurses!" Rob muttered as he stormed by.

Still giggling slightly Elizabeth continued, "I'm actually on a quick break, I need a smoke in the worst way and figured I would bring the pole down on my way out."

With his hand rubbing the back of his head John piped up again "You're a nurse and you smoke?! Don't you know they cause lung cancer?"

"No, really?! I didn't know that! Thank you for informing me Mr. MD sir. In all my years of nursing school I never learned that! I guess that's because I'm just a nurse and you're the big bad doctor!" Elizabeth sneered with arms waving.

"Oh now you've gone and done it! Elizabeth hun, if you need a hand hiding his body I'm your guy." Rob said from behind John who just received his second head slap in as many minutes.

The salt and pepper haired MD in an attempt to ease the growing tension in the room asked over John's shoulder "So who's pole was this anyway?"

Shaking her head with a slight frown Elizabeth quietly said, "That young boy you sent us that fell out of the tree; he didn't make it."

At hearing this everyone fell silent. All the joking and teasing forgotten.

"I knew he was bad, but I was just hoping...he was so young...I thought...you know."

Seeing the young soon to be doctor struggling to maintain his composure in light of this now serious atmosphere Elizabeth cut in. "I know, so did we; so did his family." Shaking her head as if to shake away the images of the bruised boy, pale and lifeless being held by his sobbing father out of her mind, she continued. "I heard you may have another young one for us; a gunshot victim?"

While looking down and running a tired hand over his face Rob muttered, "No, we just lost her. Well, really she was a DOA but we had to try...but it was too bad. Through and through to the head". "Actually if you don't mind, on your way out for your smoke, would you mind bringing a...Sara Sidle...to trauma 3. The mother is still with her daughter, we are giving her some more time. Sara is the partner, I don't think she's been informed yet."

Elizabeth just nodded in response and turned toward the waiting room. She just had to comfort one family mourning the loss of a child and now she was going to have to do it again for another. No textbook or lecture can teach you this particular skill. It is one she knew all too well. She was getting way too much practice with it lately. Although no matter how much practice she got with it, it never got any easier. This is one of the most challenging aspects of the job, yet one of the most sacred. As she placed one hand on the door she hesitated and couldn't help but think she wasn't going to get any sleep tonight; her nightmares are going to be in full swing.

**A/N the second: So there you have it; sorry no Cath or Sara this time. It was a little less depressing right? I just want to explain one thing. I don't want anyone to misinterpret the "just a nurse" part. I'm actually a nurse myself and have had a few encounters with very rude and condescending doctors (and I'm NOT saying all doctors are like this either!) but one time was so bad, that when I went home I found a poem. I'm not even sure who wrote it but it's called "just a nurse" I printed it out and to this day it's still on my wall. One of my favorite lines is " I just make the difference between dying in agony and dying in comfort and with dignity ". Anyway, I just want to give a shout out to all my fellow nurses out there! It takes a special person to be a nurse and see what we see every day and still keep coming back. So thank you to everyone!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

Even though we are at the hospital and the doctors and nurses are doing their jobs, I know my baby is gone. My only hope is that it happened so fast she didn't feel any pain.

I know she was scared and that torments me to no end. It's our job as parents to protect our children from the horrors of the world. Given my family history and genetics I should have never let myself take on that role. I failed our daughter and I failed Catherine.

I shouldn't have taken that shot. She wasn't in my cross fire but I should have taken into account that his gun could go off. Somewhere deep in my brain I know I'm being selfish feeling sorry for myself, but right now I just don't give a damn. They won't even let me in the ER room with her. They let Cath in because she's her real mother; apparently I don't count.

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted as the doors to the waiting room swing open and a young nurse steps through. By the look on her face, whatever she has to tell someone can't be good.

"Is there a Sara Sidle here?" the nurse quietly asked. Go figure...I should have known.

I can't seem to find any words, I think my mouth has gone on strike; all I can do is stand up. The nurse seemed to catch on because she walked toward me.

"Please sit down miss Sidle." The nurse softly said as she sat down in the chair beside me. "Are you the family of Miss Willows?" The nurse asked just to make sure she wasn't breaking confidentiality.

"She didn't make it did she?" I ask while looking at my feet. I already knew the answer, I knew the second his gun went off. But I still need to hear someone say it. To confirm what I already know in my heart; that a part of my soul is lost to me forever.

As if sensing what I need, the nurse waited for me to make eye contact with her before placing a comforting hand on my arm and saying, "I am so, so sorry. She passed away a few minutes ago. I can take you to her if you would like?"

"Yes please. Is Catherine...her mother...there with her?" My poor sweet Catherine. What do I say to her...sorry I killed our daughter? You both took the chance and let me into your lives and this is what you get in return. God Sidle quit the pity party! Catherine needs you to be strong! Get her through this, then you can focus on yourself. My mental scolding is cut short when the young nurse next to me stands up and offers me her hand.

I wonder if she would still be this caring and understanding with me if she knew the truth. If she knew that the beautiful girl with her mother's eyes and sharp intellect laying lifeless on that table is there because of my short comings.

"You don't have to go in if you don't want to. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. There is no shame whatsoever to not want to see the body of a loved one who has just passed. If you like, I could..."

"No, I'm sorry. I was just lost there for a second." I interrupt when I realize she's still holding her hand out to me and I haven't moved. Taking her hand and pulling myself up I continue, "I was there when it happened. I know how bad it is. I think it was instant actually."

Immediately gentle but strong arms pull me into a hug effectively cutting off the horrible images that are replaying through my head. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt her hand rub circles on my back and a huge sob overtook my body. She pulled me back at arm's length for a second, looking me over before asking, "Do you need medical attention? Were you hurt at all hun?"

"Just here." I sob putting my hand over my heart; to which I got a harder squeeze in reply.

When she pulls back the second time and looks me over; I can't help but notice she looks older than she did a second ago; like she took the burden of my words onto herself physically. I know what that's like. I have been there several times when a case I was working on hit me harder than I'd like to admit.

I will myself to stop crying and try to convince myself I can do this; that I'm going to be strong for Catherine. I continue this mantra in my head as the kind nurse explains what I'm going to see when I walk in the room. I notice for the first time that her name tag says Elizabeth RN and there is a gold pin stuck next to it with the letters ICU. If she's an ICU nurse, why is she down here in the ER?

"Sara, sweetheart. I think you're in shock dear. Do you want to sit down for a minute? Let me get you something to drink. I'm afraid you're going to pass out. You're quite pale and cool to the touch." Elizabeth asks looking very concerned. I know she's probably right. I feel very numb.

"I'll be fine thank you. Could you please take me to my family?" I ask, sounding more sure of myself than I actually am. But that doesn't matter right now.

Gently but firmly I allow Elizabeth to guide me toward the room where my family died. When the doors open the smell of iron hits me like a wall. Catherine doesn't seem to notice our intrusion as she sobs over the bloodied shell of what was her only flesh and blood. I think Catherine looks worse than Lindsay.

My feet seem to be rooted in place as I take in the scene. Please someone tell me this isn't happening. Wake me up! Please...Catherine, I can't breathe! Make this stop!

My heart is pounding so hard and so fast that not only can I hear it, I think it's moved up and lodged itself in my throat! No wonder I can't breathe! Every muscle in my body has contracted and is screaming for relief. My fingers and toes have that pins and needles feeling that you get when you cut off the circulation for too long.

Somewhere deep in my mind I realize that since I'm standing, it's probably not a good thing that they are tingling like I've been sitting on my foot for 10 minutes. I wonder what's causing it, since I'm clearly not sitting right now.

While I'm at it, I wish I could stop shaking. I think my teeth are even chattering.

"Sara?" a small shaking voice in front of me asks.

"Oh God Sara! Sara!...Lindsay's...Sara!" The warm familiar feeling of Catherine in my arms actually makes me jump because it's such a stark contrast to my cold tingling limbs. I think she's the only thing keeping me upright right now. Seeing Lindsay so still and pale...normally I'm having to pry her off me she's so full of energy...maybe Elizabeth was right...I may just pass out.

As if sensing my peril, a chair is placed behind me next to Catherine's chair and the kind nurse guides us both down. All I can do is hold Catherine and cry. Our tears merge together and lay to rest on our daughter's still chest. My baby is gone; and it seems so is my life.


	5. chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks ****VagorielV**** and ****Nightlife666**** for the reviews :) Sorry, I know this is depressing...I think my brain just likes these depressing type stories. Sorry if these last few chapters are a bit slow...I do have a plan....sort of....I think. But it should pick-up a bit soon.... then more angst. Thanks for reading everyone :)**

It's over. Our beautiful little girl is dead and buried. The once vibrant, happy, light of my life is now engulfed in the still cold dark earth. It was so strange going back home that fateful night.

The hospital staff were very kind and understanding. They gave us time alone with Lindsay to let us cry and mourn. It wasn't until all the other trauma rooms had filled and a new case was rolling up via ambulance that a nurse came in and gently told us they would have to take Lindsay. A doctor then came and led us to another smaller room to talk. He was nice enough, for a psychiatrist. By this time I had no more tears to cry and I was back to just being numb. Catherine was simply inconsolable. I didn't even know before this that my heart could break in different ways simultaneously; but losing Linds and seeing Cath suffer introduced me to a whole new level of pain.

Satisfied that the two of us were more or less not in immediate danger, the psychiatrist gave us a bunch of numbers and support groups and asked us to follow up in a few days. That's when we saw the guys.

I guess my tear supply replenished itself because the sight of our extended family waiting to hear what they probably already knew as well, sent me back into the sobbing depths. After much crying, pleading, screaming, hitting and hugging Grissom drove Cath and I home.

It was so dark and quiet, it was almost as if the house itself had joined in on the mourning process. We barely said a word to each other as we mechanically took Tylenol for our respective headaches and headed to our room.

There aren't enough words in our vocabulary to express the horror of what we both were feeling; and at this point, nor do I have the voice left to express them. We just held each other and fell into a restless sleep.

Come to think about it, the last few days leading up to the funeral we have been in a numb autopilot mode. Sam paid for and arranged the whole thing. It was a beautiful ceremony. I've been no use, all I seem to be able to do is cry; and hold Catherine as we cry together.

We haven't really talked about what happened. I know we really should soon. I just wanted us to get through the funeral in relatively one piece. Not to mention I'm scared about having the talk...I still blame myself for what happened. I think I should probably go see a counselor...I think we both should. We need all the help we can to get through this.

I have noticed that Cath is becoming more distant from me. She'll still lean on me and hug me as she cries....but something seems off. The way her eyes look when she looks at me...they're not the same. God, how I fear that she blames me.

But even if she does....this isn't about me right now. I need to get her through this. Whatever she needs, I'll do. Even if it is at my expense. I've started smoking again with a vengeance...I could really use a good drink too...but I really don't want to go down that road again. I don't want Catherine to be affected by it in any way. I know she worries when I hit the bottle too hard. I'd do anything for Catherine, just like I'd do anything for Lindsay...wait... Oh God! This is never going to get any better! They say time heals all wounds...No!...I'm going to add that to the list of sayings I'm never going to say again in my life!

I think I'm going to ask to go back to work soon. Grissom has given Cath and I as much time as we need off. I need to go back though. I need the distraction. It's really hard right now at home. I know I need to give Cath time and space to deal with our horrible loss, but it's really starting to take a toll on me. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid she's blaming me...I need her so much! As much as I have to help her get through this...I really need help too. I was happy and finally had a loving family. Now my baby's gone and with Cath becoming more distant...I can't lose her too...it would destroy me!

That's why I need to go back to work. I need to be on this case! I don't care if it's conflict of interest. Even though her murderer is dead...he couldn't have been in it alone. Sam has so many enemies...for someone to know to target Lindsay to get to Sam...there has to be more to this than we know! I disappointed Cath once by not being able to bring closure to Eddie's death...I WILL bring closure for our little girl.

I would fight to the death for my family. If I could, I would change places with Lindsay in a second! But since I can't change what happened that fateful night, instead of sitting here and blaming myself for her death, I'm going to make her proud and bring anyone involved in this to justice! When everything is said and done, then I'll deal with my shortcomings.

Lindsay, sweetheart, I know you're in a better place now and I hope you can hear me. I love you so, so much! More than I could ever describe! I am so sorry baby! Please forgive me. Don't worry, I'm going to take good care of mom. No matter what happens between us, I'll protect her until the day I die. I know we'll see each other again baby. Wait for me. Always know that mom and I were always so proud of you. Watch over us; I only hope I can make you proud too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

"What do you mean the case is closed?!"

"I'm sorry Sara, this isn't my choice, believe me! Lindsay was like a daughter to me too." Grissom says while scratching his abnormally shaggy looking untrimmed beard. He could definitely feel a migraine coming on.

"The whole thing seems dirty. To go after Sam, you have to have a plan. This wasn't some get rich quick scam. This was personal. More work than one person alone could handle." Jim adds from the corner of the room, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed.

"What does Sam have to say about all of this? He didn't receive any threats or bribes or anything?" I ask running my hand through my hair for the 10th time in 2 minutes.

"He has nothing. He said he has his people looking into it...but nothing's coming up. I have guys watching him as well." Jim adds with a sad nod.

"So that's it then. I can't believe this! Hasn't Catherine suffered enough?! Eddie's murder unsolved and now her daughter's is being half assed explained away! Sometimes I really hate this job!" I can't help but yell. I'm not mad at Gill or Jim...this is way over all of our heads. I just don't know what to do.

Trying to take a few calming breaths before I continue I add, "I'm sorry guys, I'm just so lost. I miss her so much! And I'm worried about Catherine. She's hardly talking to me. I'm just so scared." I confess to the two men that have been like father figures to me over the years. I trust both of them completely with my life. Several times I've even asked for relationship advice when things got dicey between Cath and I. Grissom actually isn't as inept with relationships as he seems...at least when it comes to people other than himself.

"Even when I woke up this morning she was gone. I found a note on the kitchen table saying she went to her mother's house. She didn't wake me up to say goodbye or anything." I say flustered.

"I know Sara, but just give her some time to digest all this. You two will be okay, I know it. You're both too stubborn to have it any other way dear." Grissom says in an attempt to comfort me.

"Now, are you sure you want to come back to work? You have so much vacation time saved. Plus, you're going to be stuck in the lab for a little while because of the shooting. Not that anyone's blaming you or anything, it's just..."

I cut Grissom off before he can finish, "No, I know, It's okay Griss, I understand. I still want to come back. I could use the distraction. Even if it is paperwork." I add to myself, plus it gives me the chance to look into Lindsay's murder without anyone knowing.

"I appreciate the concern though. Well, if you guys don't mind I'm going to head home and see if Cath's back. I'll see you two bright and early tomorrow." I say while standing up.

"Okay Sara. You take care of yourself and get home safe. If you need anything, anything at all call and I'll be there in a second with sirens blaring." Jim says as he gives me a hug.

"Thanks Jim, I will. But no sirens." I say smiling.

"It will be okay Sara. You'll get through this. If you want to talk give me a call." Grissom says as I walk around his desk and give him a hug as well.

"Thanks, good night guys. Give my love to the boys when you see them." I say while leaving.

I really hope Cath is home. As much as I'm afraid, we REALLY need to talk. I need to know where we stand. I'll stand behind her whatever she wants. Even if she wants distance from me right now... I'm not going to give up on us. I love you too damn much.

As I pull up to the house that was once our home, my stomach knots when I see her car in the driveway. Well, time to put my money where my mouth is.

I didn't realize my hands were shaking until I tried to put the key in the lock unsuccessfully. Damn it Sidle, pull yourself together! You have to be strong for Catherine!

When I finally manage to open the door I'm shocked to see a duffle bag on the floor.

"Catherine, are you home?" I call into our now eerily quiet house.

"Yeah, I'm coming! I'm just upstairs. Give me a second." She calls back to me.

I resist the urge to rip into the bag to see what's in it. Is she leaving me?! What do I do? What do I say? Oh God, help me! I know I said I'd support Catherine in whatever way she needs...but I don't know if I really can. I don't think I can handle this!

My thoughts are interrupted by the red headed holder of my heart coming down the stairs. My mouth blurts without my brain's approval, "Where were you this morning? I haven't seen or heard from you all day?" Great Sidle, way to be smooth! Great conversation opener! I say to myself as I hear my own voice.

"Yeah, I needed a mothers advice. I left you a note on the table; didn't you see it?" Catherine quips back.

"Yeah I did, but it would've been nice for you to tell me in person." I say all in one breath. Okay Sidle, calm yourself and think before you speak. You don't want to come across too rough; I scold myself.

"Yeah, well....where were you today? You go into work?" She asks in reply to my questioning.

"Yeah I did. I want to go back to work tomorrow...I'm going to be on paperwork duty though for a while...but you know..." Actually, no I don't know...where am I going with this? This isn't working out how I planned it in my head...Shit!

"Really. Okay then. Well, I'm going with my sister and mom to mom's old cottage for a few days. You know, the clear my head. When I was a kid we used to go there all the time. I found it so therapeutic and relaxing." Catherine says.

And,... my heart stops. What?! I want to scream...I want to cry! Is she leaving me? I never heard her talk about this before! Oh God! What do I do?! Oh great...my hands are shaking again...

Perhaps seeing the shocked, hurt look flash across my face Cath continues, "I just need to...I don't know...I just lost my only child Sara. I don't know what to do, I'm lost and confused. I just need my family to..."

I cut her off right there, I can't listen to this. "I'm your family too Cath! Please don't shut me out! I love you! We need to talk babe, we need to find a way through this..."

"I know Sara. I love you too. This is just something I need to do...alone." Cath says in a soft voice; effectively breaking my heart.

"But...I don't know what to do either. But we can figure it out...together. Please don't leave me." I don't care if I'm pleading or sound pathetic right now. I'm scared shitless. My world is falling apart all around me again and I can't breathe. This is NOT going how I planned! I was all talk before, I can't do this!

"Sara, please don't cry. I'm not leaving you...I just...please...I...we...we'll talk when I get back okay. Let me just figure things out."

I didn't even realize I was crying. I don't care. I'm not strong...I can't be the strong one...all plans are right out the window right now.

"Catherine, do you blame me?" I ask in a small voice.

"Sara...look, we'll talk when I get back." She says

I have no voice. All I can muster is a pathetic nod. She didn't have to say it...she does blame me. All my nightmares have been confirmed.

"We are leaving tonight. So I better get going. Look, I'll call you when we get down okay. Take care of yourself Sara. We'll talk when I get back." Catherine says as she turns toward the duffle bag.

"I love you." I manage to say.

"You too." Catherine says without even looking back.

"Drive safe." I add as she's halfway through the front door.

She waves one hand up behind her to acknowledge what I said and then she's gone.

Well, that didn't work out at all. Good work Sidle. I guess I'm going to have to do what I always do in a situation like this; pour myself head first into work and hope everything will work out. Hope. That's another word I'm going to add to the list of things not to believe anymore.

As I climb up the stairs to my empty room in my empty house I consider Grissom's offer to talk. No, I've had it with words for one day. Time for my good old friend the sleeping pill to get my through the long night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Wow, thank you Kirky123 for the kind review! :) The next few chapters are going to be very emotionally heavy I think. It's taking a bit longer right now for me to get my ideas straight. Hopefully I won't take too long with them :) Thanks so much everyone for reading and leaving reviews! It's so exciting checking my inbox and finding people read and reviewed my story. I'm really having fun with this!**

Still no word from Catherine and it's been three long, lonely days. I did receive a short text message the night she left saying they made it there safe. I didn't reply back because quite frankly, I didn't know what to say.

To be honest I'm angry and hurt. I can only imagine what she's going through, because I feel like I've been dragged through Hell and back. But I still think we could have done better dealing with this together. As I mentioned to Cath many years ago, "Two sharp women are better than one."

Paperwork is a drag as well. I wonder how long I'm going to be stuck doing this.

I have been able to look into Lindsay's murder when nobody else is around though. So far nothing spectacular. Whoever mastermind this was either very careful, or very threatening because so far, no one's talking.

I have a few little leads I want to look into when things quite down here. A few names that keep popping up in relation to Lindsay's dead murderer.

The more I go over things and think about it, the more it seems that Lindsay really was the one who stopped their plans in their tracks. The man had a backpack with him that had tape, rope, gauze, ativan, water and beef jerky. The lead investigator from days had written that he believed the kidnapper looked to have planned to keep her hostage at least overnight, maybe longer; and would have ensured she was quiet with the ativan and wouldn't die of starvation or dehydration. After a few days of letting the panic set in, the ransom note with instructions would probably appear and everyone would go from there. They didn't plan on us showing up right away.

I still believe that the man I killed was the muscle of the job and there was at least one other person who was the brains of the operation. The man I killed...I still can't believe I shot a man. I'm still trying to cope with losing Lindsay, I haven't even had time to think about my shooting and killing a man. I'm going to have to add that to the list of things to see a therapist for. But right now my priority is Catherine.

Thank God this shift is almost over! As much as I don't like going home to an empty house, a nice cold beer and a hot bubble bath has my name written all over it! Then I think I'll look up a bit more information on my person of interest. I know I would be in serious hot water if Grissom knew I was conducting my own little investigation here, but I can't live with myself not knowing the whole reason Lindsay was taken away from us so needlessly. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do if and when I get all the information I need. I know I should probably have a plan and need to be careful so I don't put my job in jeopardy.

I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control right now. I still can't get my mind around how all this happened. One minute I'm truly happy with a loving family, and the next I've lost my daughter, killed a man and am losing the love of my life. I'm impressed I've actually been able to hold onto even a thread of my sanity!

As I wish everyone in the lab, my extended family, a good night, I'm thankful I still have them as support. I know that at any given moment I could call on anyone of them and they would be right there for me. I'm having to lean on them so much right now. I'm so lucky that I can.

As I round the corner heading home I can almost taste that beer and feel the relaxing warm water...until I see Cath's car in the driveway and my blood runs cold. Here comes the fear again! Why didn't she call me to tell me she was back?!

As I cautiously enter the house I'm surprised that nothing seems touched. "Catherine! Are you home?!" I call out. My heart is pounding too fast for my liking.

"I'm in the living room Sara!" Cath's voice from beyond calls back. Okay...this feels off. Why didn't she come to greet me. I haven't seen or heard from her in days. My stomach has decided to go into overdrive churning away, I don't feel so good right now.

As I enter the living room I'm surprised to see Catherine sitting awkwardly on the sofa with her back unnaturally straight and her hands folded on her lap. I can't help but feel out of place. I haven't felt like I didn't belong in this house before...well, not since it became our home; but it doesn't feel like our home right now.

"So, did you just get back? Have a good trip?" I ask awkwardly. My throat feels bone dry, like I have no spit in me right now.

"Yeah, a few hours ago." Catherine replies, with an uncomfortable silence following.

"Sara."

"Catherine." We both say at the same time.

"Sorry." I mutter without making eye contact. "So did you find your answers?"

I really don't like the feel of this. She seems so distant, so cold. I've never felt this way around Catherine before. I'm actually nervous and scared right now.

"I'm sorry Sara. Right now I'm just...I just think that...Lindsay was..." she pauses for a second to take a deep breath before continuing, "Right now I just have so much going on inside me Sara. I just don't know what to do about this." Catherine says while gesturing between the two of us.

And just like that my heart breaks. Now I really feel like I'm going to throw up. I've heard those words before and that didn't turn out well at all. I can almost feel all the blood draining out of my face. I'm starting to feel really light headed.

Catherine stands up from the couch and takes a step toward me with her hand outstretched; and I instinctively move back.

"Sara, I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. I'm just really..." I cut Catherine off right there; my heart can't take anymore.

"Catherine, it's okay. I understand." I say while taking another step back. No it's not okay and no I don't understand, but I really have to get out of here right now. I think my heart is about to spontaneously combust in my chest any second now.

"Look, I still have my apartment. How about I stay there for a little while and give you some more time to work things out. Then when you're ready we can have a good long talk and figure things out between us." I say still stepping backward. I never got around to moving all of my stuff from the apartment to Catherine's house and since I had already paid for next month's rent I was kind of using it as a storage space since there was no rush.

"Ummm, just let me go upstairs and grab a few things okay? I'll be right back." I say before running up the stairs.

As Sara's body disappears into our bedroom I slowly move back and sit back down on the couch. Well that didn't go well at all. What am I doing?! I just witnessed the love of my life have her heart broken...and I'm the one that caused it! I never want to see anything that horrific again! Why am I doing this to her? I can't let her leave....I need her too much. But then why does seeing her hurt right now too. I want her to stay but I want her to go...I don't know what I want! I want to wake up and see Lindsay bounding down the stairs asking what do we have to eat, followed by Sara in her nighttime boxers with her hair all tasseled looking with tired swollen eyes like a zombie for her morning coffee. I can't help but smile softly at the memory as a tear rolls its way down my face. As I look up I see Sara coming down the stairs with a duffle bag in each hand.

"Okay, so you can still reach me anytime on my cell and I think my apartment number still works too. So give me a call when you're ready to talk...or if you want to talk about anything else of course...you don't have to talk about it right away you know...I mean..." Okay Sidle quit the rambling, breathe, think, then speak...you know how to do this.

"It's okay Sara, I know what you mean hun. This isn't your...I mean...look, I'm sorry...you don't..."

I cut Catherine off for the second time this evening. " No that's okay. I get it...really. You just take care of yourself okay." I say heading to the front door. As I reach to open it I can't help but think I'm making a terrible mistake. I'm not dealing with this the right way at all. But I guess old habits die hard. I'm running away from the hurt before it completely destroys me.

As I open the door I turn around one final time to face her, "I love you Catherine...always." And then I'm gone.

As I stand now alone in my house, I watch as Sara's car drives away. What have I done? If Lindsay was here she would be so disappointed with me. As the tears continue to fall without reservation I say, "I love you too Sara!" And then I close the front door.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks so much quietmusician, Kirky123 and Vagoriel for the reviews!!! I'm getting to the point now in my writing that was actually the whole basis for this story. I've been trying to lead up to it and make things flow and kind of make sense. I hope it hasn't been boring these last few chapters. I apologize that this chapter is short...I pretty much have ch.9 finished and am working on 10 right now...this was another filler to help things make sense.** ** Oh, and the names used in this story are totally made up...and badly made up at that. Thanks so much everyone for reading!**

So much for my beer and bubble bath...I guess it's probably for the better. The way I feel right now, I wouldn't care if I drank too much and ended up drowning in the bathtub.

No! No, I'm not going to even go there, no! I have a job to do here, I'm not going to take the easy way out. I've battled depression my whole life; I'm a very self-destructive person. I'd be lying if I said I've never contemplated suicide before.

I made a promise to Lindsay that I would take care of her mother and bring her justice. Besides, I feel like I'm already dead anyway. I'm just going to have to learn to live with my suffering, the way I used to before I fell in love with Catherine.

Well, since sleep is going to escape me anyway tonight, I may as well look up a few of these names.

This is interesting...Lindsay's murderer's last name was Skeltem; that was his mother's last name. The father's last name was Dorball. I'll have to look that one up when I get to work tomorrow. Parents divorced when he was 8. I wonder why he took his mother's last name.

As I grab the history sheet of Lindsay's murderer I cover the picture of his face. I never want to see that face again! It's bad enough it haunts my nightmares every night.

According to this report, Skeltom had a minor police history. Broke into a car at age 12, stole a women's purse at 15...basic troubled kid stuff. A bunch of unpaid parking tickets, but nothing major. I keep scanning the sheets until something catches my eye. Here's the motive!

His parents divorced after his father lost their life savings gambling at Sam's casino. Father went on to become homeless and killed himself a couple years later. His mother apparently became an alcoholic and is currently in the hospital with liver failure on the transplant list.

Oh God, please don't tell me that's it! That's why my baby's gone and my life is in shambles?! I throw the files across the room and begin to pace back and forth before collapsing against the wall and sliding down into a sitting position. I rock myself back and forth as I let it all out.

I cry for Lindsay, I cry for Catherine and I cry for myself. I've spent the better part of my life fighting crime, bringing bad people to justice...and for what?! Crime rates are just as high, if not higher than ever before. And now myself and my family can be added to that tally. I've fallen victim to what I'm trying to fight. Life is just so unfair!

Okay Sidle, breathe...try and breathe. Be angry yes, be sad yes...but breathe. You can beat this...you're not going to let them win.

I wonder if the day shift has already notified Catherine of the motive. That her girl was taken away because someone blamed Sam for their family breaking up. I thought there would be more to it...but this...this is senseless...this is Vegas. People win and lose thousands of dollars every minute here. I guess money really is the root of all evil.

It's so empty and lifeless in this apartment. Why did I say I would move back here? I shouldn't have run away like that. Running isn't going to solve our problems. I have to fight for my family, not give up and run away! Catherine is the world to me, I'm not going to give up on us yet. Tomorrow after work I'm going to call her and see if we can talk things out. But now, it's time for another sleeping pill...and maybe a beer. I'm going to need all the energy and help I can get.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Okay, so I decided to post this one as well, since this one and 8 were both short. I'm almost done ch. 10 which is longer and it is intense! I'm really excited just writing it! I hope it comes across okay...this IS my first story ever...Anyway, stay tuned :) Thanks everyone!**

Okay, so it's been two days and I still haven't talked to Catherine yet. In my defense I have talked to Jim and Gill for advice. They told me to give her some time. That she still loves me, but needs to grieve in her own way first.

The more I think about it, the more I think our relationship is over. I love her more than I ever thought possible, but I know she blames me for taking away her baby. Seeing me probably brings her pain.

I can't be the cause of her pain anymore.

I'm still going to keep my promise to Lindsay and protect her mother...I'm going to protect her from me and stay away. One day Catherine may even move on and find love again. She'll probably find someone much better for her than I could ever be. She probably wishes right now that I had never even come into her life...if I hadn't Lindsay would still be alive and...

Okay stop Sidle. You're going to make yourself cry at work. Wait until you get home and have a few beers in you then you can continue down this line of thought.

There is only half an hour left anyway...too bad I finished the paperwork. I have too much time to think right now and not enough alcohol in me...I could really use a smoke right now too.

There was something I wanted to look up again...the father's name...I wanted to see if he had any other children...not that it really matters anymore. Dorball right? Let's see...here we go! No way! Skeltom wasn't an only child after all...his parents had another child when they were together. So my murderer has an older brother; two years older to be exact...it didn't come up before because Skeltom legally changed his name 5 years ago to take his mother's last name.

Todd Dorball here looks to be a well educated man too. I would bet any money he was the brains behind taking Lindsay to bribe Sam. He actually worked for Sam at the casino as a financial consultant in some capacity. Probably explains how he knew there was a familial relationship between Linds and Sam. Also why he was hands off in the actual kidnapping because he could have been recognized. Plus the fact that they had different last names...so the plot thickens. I think I need to pay old Todd a little visit.

As I print out some information and slip it into my jacket pocket I log off my computer and prepare to leave. I grab my gun and make sure it's loaded. This is actually a different piece; they still have my regular gun for processing from the shooting. They keep telling me it's standard procedure and I have nothing to worry about. It still makes me feel under investigation though; that and the fact I'm still stuck on paperwork duty in the lab and not out in the field.

I really should at least tell Jim what I found out, and what I'm planning to do. But then I know they won't let me pursue this...conflict of interest and all.

What's the difference anyway. If I get caught or get in trouble what's the worst that could happen, they fire me. I don't even care anymore. My life in Vegas is over anyway. Lindsay is dead because of me and Catherine hates me. What do I have to live for. I'm at least going to bring myself peace by finding out why everything I've ever loved in this world has been taken away from me.

Okay Sidle, don't look suspicious. Say goodnight to everyone and get out of here.

"Hey Sara, can I talk to you for a minute in my office before you leave"

Great...Grissom. What, does he have a sixth sense that I'm up to something or what? Okay, act natural.

"Hey Grissom, what's up?" I say trying to act casual. Even though my heart is already starting to pick up the pace in anticipation of going to Todd's last known address.

"Close the door behind you please. Sara, I know you and Catherine aren't living with each other still, but have you two talked since." Grissom asks as he takes off his glasses.

"No Griss we haven't. But you told me yourself that I should let her be for a while and that she would come to me when she's ready." I respond back. What is he trying to get at? I really don't want a relationship advice session with Grissom right now.

"I know. No, what I mean is...Catherine has asked if she can come back to work again. Starting this Monday. I was wondering if you knew and if you'd be okay with it."

"I had no idea no. I guess I'd be okay with it...I mean, what choice do I have? We both work here. It won't be fun. But it was going to happen one time or another I guess." It is going to be awkward for sure....damn.

"I can try to see if I can get you two working different cases if you'd like Sara. At least until you two can talk things through. And as long as we're not swamped or it effects the case." Grissom says in a rushed tone.

"Thanks Griss, I'd appreciate that." The thought of working a case alone with Cath right now does seem really intimidating. I know we are both professionals and could pull it off, but given the choice I would rather not.

"If you need to talk I'm here for you Sara." Grissom says with a sad smile.

"Thanks Grissom. I'm okay right now...well, as okay as I can be given the situation. I'm just going to go home and rest." That's a blatant lie I know, and I feel bad lying to Griss, but this is something I need to do.

"Okay Sara. You try to get some rest. I'm going to see if I can get you back into the field again soon if you'd like too."

"That sounds great Griss, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night too." I say while opening the door to leave.

"Good night Sara, take care." Grissom calls out.

"Thanks, I will." I call over my shoulder as I head out. At least I hope I will. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.

As I head into my car and pull out Todd's address to program it into my GPS, I get the feeling that I'm wading in way over my head. Part of me knows I shouldn't be doing this, but the other part of me just doesn't care. Unfortunately, the not caring part is winning and I plunge the keys into the ignition; and in doing so I plunge myself into the hands of fate.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews Kirky123 and SJ-23! Here we go...let the angst begin! I'm writing away like crazy right now...ch.11 and 12 are both in the works. Thank you so much for reading everyone! I do warn you though that things are fixing to get really heavy in the sad/angst department...blame my brain.**

What am I doing?! Have I completely lost my mind?! Sidle, this has to be bar none the stupidest thing you have ever done in your life! Not to mention illegal! Get back into your car and head home and have a nice cold beer...in fact, make it two...or three....or whatever! Just get out of here!

I don't know what's worse, the fact I'm have a full-fledged argument with myself or the fact that I'm not listening.

I seriously need help, that's for sure!

Well, at least it looks like nobody's home. At first glance it looks like a decent little house. It's not in a great area and it has definitely seen better days, but it's better than I expected.

I still have no clue what I'm doing here though! Okay, maybe I'll just take a quick look through the window...just to see...then leave. Although, I guess it would help if I even knew what I was looking for!...did I mention I feel completely crazy right now?

As I approach the window, still engaged in a full-fledged argument with myself, something catches my eye.

I see a picture of Lindsay in there! Oh my God! There are pictures and newspaper clippings all over the walls! I see candid shots of Sam and Lilly. Of Lindsay at school. Of Catherine and I at a crime scene. Of Lindsay, Sam and Catherine together. Of Lindsay in our front yard! Oh my god! How long has this freak been following us and we didn't even know!

Instinctively I grab my phone and call Catherine's number. Come on Cath, please pick up the phone! Don't look at who's calling, just pick it up! I know you're home!

"You've reached the home of Catherine Willows, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you." Beep...

I hesitate for a second before I can force my brain to speak. She changed the answering machine message. It used to say "You've reached the home of Catherine, Lindsay and Sara". The fact that I know she's ignoring the call and that I've been taken off the message breaks my heart. Funny, I didn't think there was anything left to break; I thought it was already destroyed.

"Hi Catherine, it's me. But I guess you already know that right. Look, I have an address here that you probably should give to Brass. Todd Dorball lives here. He's the brother of the man that killed Lindsay. I think he planned the whole thing. He has pictures of all of us in his house. He's been watching us for months. He may still be watching you. You need to be careful okay! Look, just give the information to Brass okay." I finish giving the address then hang up.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Is that my phone? Who would be calling me right now? Nancy is out to dinner with the kids and mom.

It's Sara! Shit! I should probably pick up.

No. You know what, I really don't want to deal with this right now. I think I'll go take a nice quick shower instead. I'll let the machine pick it up and maybe I'll listen to it later.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm really nervous right now. I should just get in my car and leave. I'll tell Brass and let him deal with this.

And then do what? Go back to your empty apartment and keep calling Catherine just to hear the answering machine message that she took your name off of because she blames you for the death of her daughter and the very sight of you or the sound of your voice sickens her!

I have nothing to live for anyways...I might as well take the risk and try to find out why Todd ruined my life.

As I slip myself through the opened back door and into his house a strange peace washes over me. Maybe it's seeing all of these candid shots of Lindsay talking and smiling, looking so carefree. God, I miss her so much!

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted by the unmistakable click of a gun being loaded behind me. Great...

I spin around drawing my gun in the process and come face to face with Todd Dorball's gun.

Strangely enough, the first thought that crosses my mind other than "crapcrapcrapcrap CRAP" is he looks a lot different than I thought he would be.

"Hello my dear, are you here on official CSI business...or are you here because my brother killed your...so called daughter perhaps..." Todd says in a very creepy, almost singsong tone.

My only response is to click the safety off my gun and circle away from him.

"Careful now my dear...you've already murdered one member of my family...are you sure you have it in you to murder another?" He says with a sick smile.

"Why? Why Lindsay? Why my family?" I manage to choke out.

"Why not your family? Did you think that just because you work against crime makes you immune to it Miss Sidle? That's a really nice picture of you by the way, if I do say so myself..." He says gesturing at the wall and taking a step toward me, still smiling.

"Oh yes, I know all about you and your little family. It's a shame really Miss Sidle that you chose... that family...to call as your own. I have nothing personally against you." He continues as I take another step back.

Okay, now I'm terrified...I hope I'm not shaking as noticeably as I feel I am.

"Shut up! And stay where you are! I'm not playing games with you!" I shout, trying to sound more confident than I actually am.

"Playing games? I'm just protecting myself in my home...you're the one who broke into my house without one of those fancy little warrants with you." He snarls.

"Just tell me why? Why Lindsay? Was it money?" I ask on the verge of tears. I'm not scared for my life anymore...Lindsay stood with a gun at her head so brave, so trusting of her mom and I. Tears are stinging my eyes in anticipation of hearing why it is I'll never hold her in my arms again.

"Money? You think this was about money? Please! I'm not that shallow. This was about revenge Miss Sidle. Revenge against Sam Braun." He says through clinched teeth.

"That casino of his was built out of greed to bring out the worst in people." He continues with a look of disgust.

"Are you trying to blame Sam for your father's gambling Todd? Please, don't tell me that's why?" I say without thinking. As soon as it's out I regret angering the man...I'm not going to get all my answers by pissing him off.

"His need for money at others expense was lowly! Everyone know gambling is an addiction, a disease....Sam capitalized on that for his own selfish reasons! Sam is scum!" He shouts in pure anger as spit flies out of his mouth toward me with his words.

"If this was revenge against Sam, why kidnap Lindsay." I ask, needing answers before he finally flips his lid.

"Sam destroyed my family through his greed. And he would continue to destroy lives... while he lived the perfect comfortable life. He needed a good dose of suffering to ground him. You know what I mean Miss Sidle."

I can't find the words to respond to that. I can only glare at him in response. He smiles at me and continues.

"You know exactly what I mean! And what is the best way to make a person suffer? If you kill a person, their suffering lasts minutes. That's not good enough for Sam's sins. If you kill a person's loved one, they suffer and suffer until they wish they were dead!"

Oh my God no! No! Now I know I'm shaking like a leaf. I think I was better off not knowing!

Seeing my reaction, Todd laughs and then continues.

"Oh yes! The little bitch dying was always part of the plan! I don't care about money...money is the root of all evil!"

At this I cock my gun and point it right between his evil eyes. "Shut up!" I scream.

"Ohhh, don't be like that, I thought you wanted answers. That's why you illegally broke into my house right? I must say I was pleasantly surprised when I heard that her parents saw her die...and when I say parents, I mean her two mothers." He breaks out into a evil mocking laugh.

"Shut up right now or I will kill you where you stand you son of a bitch!" I scream while circling him. I hope my hands aren't shaking too much that my aim is off. Now I really wish I had called Brass myself! I knew Catherine wouldn't answer my call...I shouldn't have wasted my time.

"Go ahead and shoot me the way you shot my brother! Thanks by the way for that. My stupid little brother was not only too trusting and an idiot, he betrayed his family by changing his name and taking mother's last name. You saved me the trouble of killing him myself." He continues to laugh and mock me.

"Stop...please" I whisper back. I can't hear anymore of this. I can't shoot another man.

"You know as well as I do right, you can't change your family. You can't change your flesh and blood. That's why I worked at the casino though. I had to get close to Sam to learn how best to hurt him...although I'm not so sure it worked. Anyway, this chat has been great, but I have things to do and people to see." He says while taking a step back toward the door.

"Stay right there! Move and I shoot!" I yell. I'm not letting him away with this.

"I'm sorry Miss Sidle. I think I've hurt you more than I hurt Sam... I really didn't mean for that to happen. I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. I'll have to find another way to hurt Sam. But since I have no hard feelings toward you, I'll make it up to you. You can go and see Lindsay now Sara."

Two shots echo throughout the home, followed by an unnatural stillness and silence.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews VagorielV and mikkir!!! ****I didn't want to leave you all hanging for too long :) Not too shabby...2 updates in one day :) Here's some more of the angsty stuff! I like how the story is actually falling into place, if I do say so myself. You guys keep the reviews coming please :) cuz I'm still writing away. Thanks for reading everyone!**

The force of the shot pushes me backward into a set of drawers and I struggle to raise my arm and fire off a shot before sliding down into a sitting position.

"Bitch! Shit!" Todd yells grabbing his thigh before hobbling out of the house and leaving me alone.

It's strange. I didn't even feel any pain at first.

I felt myself being thrown backward and then my legs give out, but no immediate pain...until now.

I start coughing and the pain shoots through my entire upper body causing me to look down. _Oh God, this isn't good! The bastard shot me right in the chest!_

I try putting one hand on my wound to slow the bleeding, but it isn't helping. Dark bubbling blood is pouring out of me..._I've really done it this time._ I try to slow my breathing but another round of coughing causes me to see stars. I can taste the iron..._I'm coughing up blood!_

I'm a CSI, I know what these kinds of chest wounds look like...and I know how they end.

_I know I don't have much time before I lose consciousness...but I need to make a call. Catherine has to know what I know...why Lindsay is gone._ I dial Catherine's number once more, expecting to leave her one final message.

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As I step out of the shower, I can hear my phone ringing. I run over to it and see it's Sara's name again. Should I leave it and let the machine take it like the last one?

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Hello?"

"Catherine?" I whisper in disbelief.

"Yes Sara, what do you want?" Catherine asks in a detached tone. _I guess I deserve that._

"I left you a message a little while ago...did you get it?" _I know she didn't even bother to listen to it yet...I'm surprised she even answered this time. I shouldn't be wasting time with stupid questions though._ My fingers and toes are starting to tingle and my vision is getting duller.

"I saw you called before, what do you want?" Catherine asks getting a little more frustrated, wondering why she picked up the phone.

_She hates me...I can hear the venom dripping from her voice. I could tell her that I've been shot...maybe the medics will even get here in time..._

"I gave you an address in the message...call, call Brass and give him the address...Lindsay's murderer has a brother...it's...it's his address. I know why he killed our daughter Cath...I know..." I have to stop to take a breath. My legs are numb now and I'm finding it really hard to breath...let alone hold a thought.

"Sara, are you drunk right now? Why are you stuttering? Look, I really can't talk about Lindsay right now..."

_She thinks I'm drunk...I guess I deserve that too. See, she ignored your call before because she hates you. It would probably be better off for her in the long run if I just died here. _ I have to cut her off though because I don't think I can hold up the phone much longer. My arms are starting to get numb now too.

"It wasn't...it wasn't about money...it was revenge...He's after Sam...you need to be careful...please, please Cath..." I say until another bloody, gurgled cough racks my body. My words are coming out between breaths now. I need to end this...while I can still see enough of the phone to end the call.

"Ca...Cath...please. Listen to the message...and call Brass...Todd Dorball...check...check the hospitals...he...ummm...he has a gunshot wound...to the leg." _Shit, this is getting hard! I thought I would have had more time than this. Oh well, at least I got to hear her voice again._ I smile to myself as a tear begins to run down my face. I guess it's a good thing I can still feel that.

"Sara! Sara, where are you?! You're scaring me! What's going on babe?! Are you okay?" Catherine screams into the phone.

_Catherine really sounds panicked. At least I got her attention now. If she had answered the phone before or even just listened to the message she would know where I am. But she didn't...and now you're getting what you deserve Sidle._ I shake my head as if to stop the voices in there from torturing me. _Think about Catherine and not yourself Sidle! She's better off without you. I really hope Todd doesn't go after her. I hope she goes to Brass right away and stays safe. There is so much I wish I could tell her right now...I wish I could calm her down and tell her everything's going to be okay._

"Sara! Sara are you still there?! Please, please answer me babe! Where are you?! Are you okay?"

_Oh God, she's crying now...way to go Sidle! You shouldn't have called! She may hate you, but nobody wants to have to hear a person dying on the other line...you've traumatized her yet again Sidle..._

Another cough causes me to see stars...and when I open my eyes I realize everything is much darker and blurred. I guess this is it. Tears now run unabated down my face as I try to picture Catherine. _It's better this way my love...one day you'll see that too. I'm so sorry all I seem to do is hurt you. I can't even die properly...I had to drag you into it too...I caused you more pain..._

"Yeah...yeah, I'm fine Cath...I'm fine. Look babe...I gotta...I gotta go okay..." I cough again.

"No! Sara! Please, tell me where you are babe...tell me where you are...are you at the address on the message? Sara! Come on! Please don't leave me, please..." Catherine cries into the phone.

"I gotta...go...I...I..." I cough again and for a second I forget where I am and what I'm doing. I can't breathe...what's going on...

"Sara!"

"C...Cath?"

"Yes Sara, I'm here babe. Where are you? Let me help you babe! Whatever's going on...Sara...just hang on for me....and let me help you." Catherine pleads into the phone.

Even in my confused and foggy state, Catherine's voice helps guide me back into reality. _Wow, did I just black out there...This isn't how I thought it would end, but in a strange way I almost feel relieved...at peace._

"Cath, I'm okay...I gotta go...I love you babe! I love you!" I want to tell her that I'm not in pain anymore too, but I'm already crying too much. I manage to hang up the phone before it slides out of my numb fingers and unto the floor.

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"Sara! Sara! No! Shit!" I slam the phone down. Oh God what do I do....what do I do...I pace back and forth in absolute panic until my brain finally kicks in and I grab my cell and my home phone.

With one hand I dial my voicemail on the home phone and Brass at the same time on my cell.

"Brass." I hear Jim say as I hit my password on my home phone to activate the voicemail.

"Jim it's Catherine!" I say while I multitask and grab a pen to write down the address that Sara's voice is telling me on the other line.

"Catherine, can I call you back hun...I'm on the road heading to a break and enter on..." Jim begins until I cut him off.

"Sara's in some kind of trouble...I think she's really hurt...she found the brother of the guy that killed Lindsay...she went after him alone...oh God Jim! I ignored her call..." I say rushed into the phone as I listen to her original message and begin to put the pieces together. Oh God, if I had picked up the phone that first time...

"Shit! Give me the address! Damn it Sara!" Jim yells as I hear the screech of the breaks on the other end.

I rattle off the address as I put my own shoes on and grab my keys.

"I'll meet you there Jim." I say heading out the door.

"I'm by there right now! I'll be there in a minute. I'm gonna let you go and call EMS Cath, just in case. Be careful driving, I'm sure she's fine Cath. I'll see you there." Jim says without waiting for an answer before hanging up.

No, she's not going to be okay...she didn't sound okay...oh God please help us...please.

I continue praying as I jump into my car and speed away. Please, not you too. Remembering the last words Sara spoke to me before she ended the call; I finally answer her back.

"I love you too Sara!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks so much VagorielV, mikkir, amberholic89, SJ-23 and johnym for the kind reviews!!!! Here's another one for you :) Don't quote me 100% on the accuracy of the medical stuff...I'm enjoying the creative license of story making right now. :) I hope you all enjoy it! Give me a shout and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading everyone!**

I don't have the energy to keep myself in this sitting position much longer. _Well, at least I got to talk to Catherine one last time. I really hope she finds someone good for her....someone who won't let her down...someone that will make her happy...I'm such a failure..._

Tears continue to slide down my face until I suddenly fall to my side and land now flat on the floor. _Well, that didn't hurt the way I thought it would. Although, that sounds horrible! It sounds like someone is running their hand up and down a washboard._

It takes me a second before I realize that's the sound of my labored gurgled breathing..._I'm choking on my own blood...great..._

I wonder how long it's going to take to die...I wonder what's going to happen next. _You'd think I'd be afraid...I'm actually kind of welcoming it._

It's funny the things that cross your mind at a time like this. _I hope I'm wearing a decent looking bra and underwear. I hope it's not the bra that Cath always yelled at me to throw out because it was starting to tear and fray...I can't help it that it happened to be the most comfortable bra I owned...despite the fact it was falling apart..._

I can barely see anything anymore, but I'm pretty certain my eyes are still open. I can't feel my body though...which is kind of disconcerting...other than then feeling that someone is sitting on my chest and each breath I take hurts worse than the last. It almost feels like a buzzing sensation in my chest when I try to breathe...and it damn well hurts!

_Why does hearing have to be one of the last things to go...the horrible sound of what's left of my breathing really isn't the best thing to have as a final memory._

Speaking of memory...I'm getting the strangest flashbacks right now.

I can see Catherine studying that pager the first time we met...God she looked so cute....bling-bling...so hot!

I can see Grissom welcoming me to Vegas...You know, I like him better with the beard.

Warrick when I told him Holly had died. I wish I had approached that differently...I hurt him with that. He's a really good guy, he deserves so much better.

Greg air drumming to a Marilyn Manson song in the lab. I really liked his spiky hair...

Nick calling me sunshine with his smooth southern accent and amazing smile. He is such a sweetheart; he's going to make some lucky women a great husband...

Catherine standing in the break room saying, "When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never."..._Wait, that wasn't a good memory....that broke my heart....I don't want to remember that..._

Catherine in the hallway yelling, "And I wouldn't have to be here if you were doing your job properly!"..._I let her down and she thinks I'm useless...I guess I am..._

Catherine in her pissed off low tone of voice saying, "You know, every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem_?"...I know, I'm unstable...I'm crazy...I'm stupid...I'm damaged...I really don't need to remember this right now. Please make it stop..._

The look on Lindsay's face with a gun pressed against her head..._Please, stop..._

The look of Lindsay's dead eyes staring into nothing...

Catherine holding Lindsay's dead body crying...looking at me in disappointment and disgust...._oh God! Please just let me die already...I more than deserve it...I should have had the courage and ended my life years ago...If I had Lindsay would still be alive and Cath would be happy..._

"Sara....Sara!"

_Lindsay? Linds? Is that you hun?...am I seeing things...You died baby....I'm so sorry!...Please forgive me Linds....Please...I love you....Lindsay?_

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Hang on Sara...I'm almost there!

"What's the ETA on EMS?" I call into the radio.

"Five minutes detective Brass. Are you at the scene now Sir?" The dispatcher asks me.

"Pulling up now...I'll radio back with more information in a minute." I say as jump out of my car.

The sight that greets as I walk in the door takes my breath away. There is blood everywhere...too much blood...And Sara is lying in the middle of it.

"I have an officer down! I repeat I have an officer down! Please hurry with that EMS!" I scream into my radio as I fall to my knees and place Sara's bloody head on my lap. I try not to cringe at the squishy sensation under my hands.

"Sara! Sara, can you hear me sweetheart? It's Jim. You're going to be okay. Help is on the way. Just hold on for me sweetheart!" I say into Sara's ear hoping she can hear me.

The sound of her breathing is terrible. I don't think I've ever heard anything like it before. Her eyes are open and unfocused staring off to the side. Her entire body seems to heave with each labored, gurgled breath and her body is twitching randomly. There is so much blood! It looks like there is only one gunshot to the chest, but it's done a lot of damage on its way through. The internal bleeding must be terrible because she is spitting up a lot of blood.

I lean in close to her face and try to follow her line of sight to see what she's looking at...but it's just the empty room.

Then I hear it...the very soft, slurred and gurgled "Linds...Lindsay...Linds."

I grab Sara's face and gently turn her to face me.

"No Sara. It's not time for you to see Lindsay yet. You have to hang on for me okay hun. It's Jim. I'm right here with you sweetheart! Try and breathe Sara. Concentrate on your breathing." I say loudly into Sara's ear.

Her eyes are still unfocused staring somewhere behind me, but her eyebrows move down and furrow into a look of concentration and a strangled groan escapes her lips.

"It's okay Sara, I know you can hear me. Just don't try to talk okay. Save your strength. Try and breathe, I'm right here with you. Help is on the way." I say to her as I wipe some of the blood off her mouth, only to have a warm new stream take its place within a second and run down unto her throat. If help doesn't come soon...

_I can hear you Jim! I can't see you...or really feel anything...but I can hear you!_

"Sara, this may hurt, but I need to put more pressure on the wound okay. We need to stop the bleeding." Jim says as he readjusts his position.

_Okay Jim...I trust you...I...OUCH!_

"Breathe Sara! I'm sorry hun. Keep breathing Sara!" The weak moan that escaped Sara was enough to break my heart. She gasped and gurgled and choked and her eyes rolled back for a moment before reopening and resuming the unfocused gaze at God knows what.

_I'm trying to breathe Jim...but it's getting harder. I'm so happy you're here though. I'm not alone. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I hope to God you already know._

Her breathing is getting worse. I can actually see and feel air bubbles coming out between my fingers from the wound with every breath she takes. Her eyes are blinking slower and these twitching spasms she's having is really starting to scare me. She's not going to make it.

_Hey Jim, are you still there? You've been a wonderful father figure to me. Please look after Catherine. She's really going to need help. I messed up with Catherine...big time...I've ruined her life...please help her, they way I couldn't..._

Tears are starting to escape the corners of Sara's eyes. "Sara, stay with me! Don't you give up now! The medics are here! Can you hear them? They're here! Hang on! Stay with me Sara!" Jim screams as people storm in and start barking orders.

_Hey Jim...Jim...do you see Lindsay too? Am I going crazy? Oh God, this must be it...I'm so sorry Lindsay, please forgive me...Lindsay's here Jim...look..._

As the medics storm in and get their equipment ready. Someone yells at Jim not to remove his hand from the wound yet.

"Yeah, I know! But will you hurry up please...her lips are turning blue! Sara! Come on, keep fighting! Breathe!" I yell at Sara. Her eyes are still open, I hope she can still hear me.

Her body is still fighting and twitching. Her mouth is open and her chest is heaving upward violently, trying to breathe, but I don't think she's moving any air. It looks more like a reflex than actual breaths.

"She's turning blue guys! Do something!" I scream at the medics.

"Stay with me Sara! You're not alone sweetheart! I love you! We all love you and we need you! Fight for us! Fight for Catherine!" I yell into Sara's empty, teary eyes and blue face.

The spasms are slowing down. We are losing her!

"Okay Sir. Move your hand, we got her now. Okay guys let's intubate, get a line in and get her on a stretcher! We need to roll now!" One medic yells at another.

I can only watch in shock as they suction blood out of her mouth and try to put a tube down her throat. The frantic beeping that is the machine representation of her heart is way too fast to be good. But it's better than a flat line.

"I can't visualize the cords....give me more suction! There's too much blood!" Medic number one yells.

"Sats 69% and dropping...get the airway now!" One medic yells as the other suctions.

"Okay! Move! Give me cricoid pressure!" The first medic responds.

This is unreal....please tell me this is a nightmare! This can't be happening to us again! This will kill Catherine!

"Okay, I'm in! Hook me up! What are the sats?"

"53%...you must be in the wrong spot!"

"No! There are air bubbles escaping the wound! Deflate the cuff and try to move the tube lower and toward the other side! At least we can ventilate one lung and get her on the road. She needs a chest tube! She has a tension pneumothorax!" The medics yell at each other.

I've seen a lot of trauma over the years...but this seems so violent. I know they are helping her...but I hope she isn't in any pain.

"Okay sats are coming up. Good call! Let's get rolling guys. Thanks for the help detective. We'll meet you at the hospital." Medic number one says while putting a collar around her neck and snapping into action.

"Take good care of her please." I manage to say over the chaos.

"Yes Sir." They call out and then they're gone.

Keep fighting Sara! Please God, keep fighting.

As much as I want to go with her, I better stay here and wait for Catherine. She should be here any minute.

God help us all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews mikkir, icklebitodd, Kirky123, SJ-23 and GSRCSILVR25 for the kind reviews! Don't apologize mikkir, keep the questions coming! Other than a few main ideas, I don't have a full plan for how long this will be or how the story is going to end, so I'm trying to keep some options open; good eye :). So please continue with the questions and suggestions because I'm totally open for more or new ideas. I like stories that go full circle and let things run their course...because we all know that things never wrap up neat and pretty...people don't just wake up and everyone goes home happy the next day...real recoveries are painful and slow...and not always happy. I've always been the why learn the easy way when you can learn the hard way kinda girl...for better or worse. Anyway, I'm really enjoying writing this; it's a nice escape from real life. I just hope I don't get stagnant or boring. This thing seems to want to write itself...I've already gone places with this that I didn't originally plan. So please review, comment or message me...I'm having a blast! Thanks for reading everyone!**

Come on! Get out of the way people! Don't make me turn my lights on!

"Oh, screw it!" I say as I hit my lights and the siren starts wailing...okay, that means move OUT of my way dumbass...

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I better call the rest of the team and let them know what's going on.

We are like a family...a highly troubled family...how many tragedy's can one family endure?

As I reach down for my phone I realize for the first time that I'm covered with Sara's blood.

All of my clothes are going to be evidence...what the hell was Sara thinking!

Shaking my head and trying not to cry I quickly call the guys and Gill and give them the quick and dirty version of what I know. I don't know how we are going to get through this.

Poor Gil sounds like he was about to pass out. I know those two had some kind of history before. But regardless, Gil has always been a great mentor for her and he loves her to death. He was so graceful and understanding when we found out about Cath and Sara. They are his girls...he would die for either one of them.

Nick and Sara are like brother and sister...with Nick being the protective big brother. If...when Sara pulls through this, Nick will never let her out of his sight again...poor girl.

Warrick and Sara have an interesting relationship. For a while there I thought there was going to be trouble. But now you can see how much they love and respect each other.

Greg...poor Greg just idolizes Sara. He worships the ground she walks on. I'm going to have to keep a special eye on him. This may damn near break him.

My thoughts are interrupted by the screaming and screeching of a car...which I can only assume is Catherine. She is defiantly not getting behind a wheel again tonight. I can't lose another one...I just can't.

"Jim! Where is she? Where's Todd? What's happening?!" Catherine's voice reaches me long before her body appears through the door.

"I got here as fast as I could! People can't drive in this city and..." Catherine's voice dies out as she enters the house and see's the blood all over the walls, floor and me. Her hands slowly move up to cover her mouth and she seems frozen in time for just a second.

"No! No! Jim!" Catherine flies into my arms and begins to pound on my chest.

"Catherine, the medics just took her...let's go see her sweetheart. Come, just stay with me okay...I'm going to drive you to see Sara. I called the guys already. Sara's a fighter Cath." I say into Catherine's hair as she all but collapses in my arms.

I pull her back to look at her and make sure she's still breathing before I continue, "Catherine, you're a white as a ghost right now...please breathe okay." I can't help but shutter as I utter the same words I did to Sara a few moments ago.

"Your girl is going to be fine Cath." I say more to myself than actually Catherine. I can't help but think...no she isn't...

"No she isn't Jim." Catherine looks up and says to me in perfect timing with my mind.

"There is too much blood...I heard her voice on the phone...I...just..." Catherine says before the tears overwhelm her again.

I have never seen a human being suffer like this before...the sobs coming out of Catherine right now would destroy even the most hardened criminal's heart.

"She has to be Cath...she just has to..." I say while placing her in the passenger seat of my car and closing the door.

Our drive at first is in relative silence. Save for the occasional sniff, sob or sigh. Until Cath looked up at me and asked, "What happened Jim? Where is Todd Dorball?"

"Todd Dorball? When I got here Sara was alone...bleeding. It looks like it was one shot to the chest..." I say having to stop and swallow down the tears.

"Todd Dorball....that's the man's name...Sara said he's the brother of the man that ummm...the man that killed Lindsay...she said to check the hospitals because he has a GSW to the thigh and that he's after Sam and I should be careful too..." Catherine says in-between sobs, struggling to remember what her love had told her to tell Jim.

"Okay, give me a second to call it in..." I say to Cath while trying to grab my radio with one hand while speeding though traffic with my lights on with the other.

When I'm finished I turn to Cath and say, "I'll protect you sweetheart. You know that right? I'll have people watching Sam and your Mom...everything is going to be okay. Sara loves you so much and is fighting for you." I say while wiping a tear from my own face.

"You were there with her Jim. She wasn't alone. She love you like a father you know...Thank you!...Thank..." Catherine whispers to me before breaking into sobs again.

Now fully crying myself, I try clearing my throat before saying, "Both of you two can thank me later over a beer okay."

We are almost there. Just another block and we'll be at the hospital. I hope to God Sara's made it. Despite what I'm telling Catherine, I can't help but assume the worst. It was bad....very bad.

"Did she say anything Jim? Was she in a lot of pain?" Catherine interrupts my chain of thought.

"When I first got there she was looking at the empty hall....and I thought I heard her say Lindsay's name. Other than that she couldn't talk...she ummm...you know....it was..." I shudder and cringe as the memories come flashing back.

"I'm sorry Jim....I didn't mean to....I just don't know what to do....Jim, what do I do?" Cath says in the smallest most insecure voice I have ever heard come out of her.

"Be with her Cath...let her know how much we all love her...how much you love her. I told her that you love her and that she needs to fight for you....and I know she heard me Cath. You need to guide her through this. It's not going to be an easy recovery. She needs you." I say As we pull up to the emergency entrance.

"Oh God Jim, what have I done?! She called me...I think right before she entered the house...I ignored her call. I don't even know why really. And now..." Catherine sobs as I cut her off.

"No Catherine! We are not going to go there right now. Do you understand? Look at me sweetheart. We need to be strong for Sara right now...we are not going to play the blame game. She is going to be okay because we are going to get her through this!" I say, trying to sound confident.

Without another word, I go over to the passenger side and guide her in the building. She almost looks worse than Sara did. We are all going to have to help her get through this. No matter what the outcome, Catherine needs help...we all do...please Sara...don't leave us.

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As I walk through the doors, leaning on Jim I looks up for a second and say a quick prayer to my little girl.

"Lindsay, I know you're there with Sara right now...I know she saw you and you're probably comforting her now...but please tell her she can't stay with you there yet. I need her too much. Please baby, guide Sara back to me. We will all be together as a family again one day....but please, not today. I love you so much Lindsay and I'm so proud of you. I know you're watching over me my little angel...help me though this...please."


	14. Ch 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23 and GSRCSILVR25!!! My writing has slowed down a bit thanks to real life getting in the way, but I'll keep trying for the daily updates. Thanks for reading everyone!**

"What a crazy day! I swear I should just quit and find an easier job somewhere out there!...but NO...I had to choose nursing!...they so don't tell you nursing is like this when you sign up...if they did, there would be no nurses out there!" Elizabeth mutters to herself as she storms down the hallway toward the ER exit not caring that people are staring at her talking to herself.

"Hey you! Every time I see you you're heading out for a smoke! Nasty habit that!" The squeaky voice of John reaches my ears.

"You know what, leave me alone! I don't need this, I lost my third pen in two days today! I dropped it in....you know what, you don't even want to know where I dropped my pen! It was my favorite pen and now it's gone! Not to mention my wrists are killing me from all the CPR I had to do this shift...I've had 3 codes already! I've been on my feet for exactly 10 hours, 29 minutes and 16 seconds. AND there was a mystery stain on my shoe that I'm going to conveniently forget about as of now that took me 5 minutes to scrub off! So I more than deserve this smoke!!!" I bellow all in one frustrated breath. I'm far beyond even trying to be proper and polite right now.

"Rest in peace little pen!" Rob says trying not to laugh while holding his hands up and taking a cautious step backward.

"Trust me, where it's resting, it's not in peace!" Elizabeth adds while still huffing, noticing Rob for the first time.

Turning back toward what was quickly becoming the bane of his existence Rob continues, "John, how many times do I have to tell or smack you for this! MY wrists are getting sore now. Don't piss off the nurses....we need them to save our ass!"

"Good answer Rob! I have trained u well!" Elizabeth finally smiles.

Their playful banter was cut short by the screaming pleads of a red headed woman standing in front of the nursing station. Elizabeth squinted for a second before recognizing the face. "Oh God no, what's going on?"

She quickly made her way to the distraught woman effectively cutting off the rather curt nurse sitting on the other side. "Miss Willows I'm a nurse here, you may not remember me, but may I help you?"

Half sobbing Catherine turned toward the familiar face and instantly through her arms around the kind nurse who had helped her so much that painful day, how could she not remember that kind soul. "Please help me, my umm my partner was brought in a few minutes ago, she was shot, they won't let me see her because I'm not a blood relative; please, she's all I have left in this world!"

"Please just wait here for a second, let me take a quick look to see what's going on." Elizabeth said detaching herself from the woman who has suffered so much already.

As she peered through the windowed door of trauma 3 Elizabeth was greeted by the organized chaos of a code in full swing. To her trained eye she could see it wasn't going well. Several IV's were running wide open. She was intubated, but blood was pouring out and around the tube making a trail down into her ear. She had a chest tube in, which was draining way too much blood too fast. And if the sharps container was any indication, she probably already a lot of Epi on board and they were still shocking her and performing CPR. "God, it's the same room too." Elizabeth whispered to herself before steeling herself to find the redhead once more.

Finding herself with an uncharacteristic shudder Elizabeth faced Catherine and said, "I umm, I think It's better you don't see her right now, It's ummm, It's, well, I don't know how much you know about what happened to her but It's very serious and they are working very hard on her..."

Catherine wiping the tears that wouldn't seem to stop quietly cut in, "I know, I saw all the blood at the scene, I just...I just need to be with her...even if this is the end...I just...I don't know what to do!"

"Okay hun, I understand, I mean It's...I see this everyday and It's still hard...and to see someone you love...I'm so sorry." With her arm around the woman she headed toward trauma 3 but just before coming into view of the window she stopped.

"Now, I can't let you inside because we don't want to disturb them, they are trying very hard to save her. But you NEED to tell me if you start feeling faint, I'm going to stand here with you, but I can't have you pass out and hurt yourself, Sara is going to need you."

Catherine could only nod in response. Even with the prep Elizabeth had just given her, the sight literally took her breath away. The gentle squeeze on her shoulder shocked her into breathing again. "Breath for me sweetheart, take nice deep breaths. Do you need to sit down?"

Still unable to form words Catherine just shook her head. Doctors and nurses were screaming numbers at each other as another electrical shock coursed through her loves body causing her hands to twitch.

In a shaky voice Cath asked, "Is this hurting her? It seems so...so violent."

"No, it isn't hurting her right now. When she wakes up it will be sore, but we'll give her something for it. I understand it does look very rough though, but they are taking good care of her." Elizabeth said softly while thinking to herself that the woman wouldn't feel any pain because she probably wouldn't make it through this and if she did the brain damage would probably be so severe...she was already down for this long. Shaking her head to stop her train of thought there she added, "Catherine, I think you should sit down hun. I can get you something to drink. Is there anyone I can call for you? You shouldn't be here alone."

"No, this is exactly where I should be. Our friends are on the way. The detective that was with me is like her father. They are all probably in the waiting room now." Catherine said without taking her eyes off Sara.

She couldn't help but think to herself; if only I was there for her when she called me the first time. I could have gotten back-up for her right then and there and that bastard's brother wouldn't have found her. If only I wasn't so bitter and swallowed my pride for once. I had no right to take it out on her. I mean, she didn't even do anything wrong! I was there too! Why did I shut her out? Why didn't I pick up the damn phone when I saw her name. Why did I let her go back to her apartment alone; it was her house too. I was just hurting so bad. But then, so was she; she lost her daughter too after all. Oh God! I can't believe this is happening! What do I do?! Oh God Sara I'm so sorry, please don't leave me too! I need you so much! I love you so much!

A fresh batch of hot tears streamed their way down Catherine's face as the blurry battle against death continued on her love.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23, quietmusician and GSRCSILVR25!!! Thank you so much, it means a lot to me that people are actually looking forward to and enjoying this. I honestly almost fell out of my chair the first night I posted this story when I saw people were reading it. This whole experience was been awesome, I'm really enjoying this. Thank you all so much for reviewing and giving me feedback...you guys are keeping me on track. Again, I'm going to refer to my disclaimer and say I'm not using any real life experiences in this story (other than the mystery stain part...yes, that's actually happened...I'm still trying to repress that memory)...but I couldn't help but put a touch of nursing perspective in here... I love my job, but I think nursing is going to kill me. Yay for real life eh? Good luck everyone with your real life endeavors today, be it school or work! Thank you all for reading!**

"Please don't give up on her...please don't stop." I cry with my hand on the window that separates me from my love. I would give anything to just touch her...to hold her hand.

"They are doing everything they can Catherine, but she's been down for a while now. The longer she has no blood pressure...even with the CPR and us breathing for her..." Elizabeth says with her hand still on Catherine's shoulder.

"No! Don't let them stop...she's a fighter...she'll come back...she has to...just give her a little more time." I sob with my eyes never leaving Sara.

Her arm and bloody hand is hanging over the side of the stretcher and bounces limply side to side as they compress on her chest. I know her ribs are probably being broken by the force being used to save her life.

The nurse leaves my side for a minute and I'm surprised I'm not as stable on my feet without the extra support.

Elizabeth quickly heads back to the nursing station to try to find the detective. She doesn't want Catherine to be alone when they call the code.

The triage nurse stands and opens her mouth to protest before Elizabeth cuts her off.

"She lost her daughter here last week and now she's about to lose her partner! I'm letting them in, so sit down!" Elizabeth says in her no nonsense tone, leaving the other nurse no other choice but to obey.

As she leads Jim down the short hall to trauma 3 and Catherine, Jim turns to Elizabeth and whispers, "She's not going to make it, is she?

"It's not good. They are trying to stabilize her to get her up to surgery. But she flat lined a few minutes ago. Catherine mentioned you were like a father to Sara...and Catherine is going to need you too..." The nurse says while handing him a pair of scrubs, should he want to change out of his bloody clothes.

"Thank you nurse." Jim says in a low voice, fighting to keep a hold on his emotions.

"You're welcome sir." She says as the join Catherine outside of trauma 3.

Upon seeing her friend again Catherine collapses into Jim once more.

Still sobbing Catherine turns to the nurse and says, "She's fighting...they had a beat there for a minute. She's trying to come back."

Just as she finished her statement, clapping was heard in the room and Elizabeth pulled Jim and Catherine aside, away from the opening of the door.

"Oh thank God Sara! They got her back...look! She has a pulse!" Catherine shouts as a new band of happy tears takes control running down her face.

Elizabeth instinctively moved the two away from the doors in anticipation of the surgical team swooping in to rush Sara upstairs. As happy as they seem, Elizabeth knows the battle is still only beginning.

As predicted the surgical team stormed in and everyone began unplugging equipment to get Sara on the move. The doors pop open and the chaotic screams and commands pour into the hallway.

"Keep ventilating!" "Her pressure is still unstable!" "Call the blood bank! We need to infuse her again!" "Get moving guys, we don't want a code in the elevator!"

Amidst the chaos, Catherine's voice raises above everyone else's as Sara passes just inches in front of her. "Sara, I'm here with you sweetheart! Keep fighting for me babe! I love you so much Sara!"

The doctors and nurses pause their yelling for a second in respect for the love being displayed, before the chaos continued and Sara was out of sight.

"Okay guys, let's get you two to your friends and someone can show you all to the surgical waiting room." Elizabeth managed to say. This emotional rollercoaster felt like it was taking its toll on her as well.

"She was so pale...it barely looked like her...I can't believe this is happening again!" Catherine says holding onto Jim for dear life.

"I know sweetheart. But we'll get through this, you'll see. We always seem to find a way to rise above adversity." Jim says while tightening his grip on Catherine.

"I don't think so Jim, not this time. This is all my fault! She called me...probably right before she entered his house...and I ignored her! If I had picked up...I could have stopped her! I don't even know why I did that...I don't know why I blamed her...this is all my fault! What if right now she's thinking I hate her! What if her last thoughts were that I hate her and that's why she didn't tell me she was shot and she's going to give up and die thinking..."

"That's enough Catherine! Get it out of your system now, then I never want to hear you say that again! This is NOT your fault! This is nobody's fault but Todd's! I need you to be strong! Sara needs you to be strong! She is not going to give up! You both can talk this through when this is all said and done. But for now, don't give up on her." Jim says to the woman who is slowly falling apart at the seams.

As they reached the ER waiting room and the rest of their extended family, Elizabeth wishes them well and another nurse guides them to the elevators to the surgical waiting room.

Elizabeth couldn't help but think while she watched them go, this is why I don't just quit and find an easier job...this is why I'm a nurse. Being able to comfort people in their hardest hour is a privilege. Seeing all the suffering and pain being fought and won through love is an honor. It would almost be an insult to those you see and help if it didn't change the way you yourself look at life. Life and health is a precious gift that we seem to overlook all too easily during the trials and tribulations of our daily routines. But we need to step back once and awhile and take a look at the big picture and let our loved ones know how much we do love them. Through the few times Elizabeth saw Sara and Catherine she could see the deep love there; she just hopes to God their love won't end through death.

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"This can't be good, she's been in there 5 hours! Why hasn't someone come to talk to us yet!" Catherine says while pacing back and forth.

_I can't believe this...please tell me it's a nightmare, tell me this isn't real. I'm so sorry Sara! Please don't leave me, please don't leave me all alone! I love you!_

Jim had to leave to have his clothes processed and his statement taken a few hours ago...against his will. Nick and Warrick left as well so they could cover at work; and Grissom had only finally been able to convince Greg to go home and sleep because he looked like he would fall apart any minute too.

"They should be out soon Cath, please sit down dear. Would you like a coffee or something to drink?" Grissom asks trying to be helpful. He is trying to be strong and hold his team...his family together and keep even the smallest grasp on his own sanity as well.

"I think if anything goes in my stomach right now, it will just come back up. I can't take this...I'm so lost!" Catherine says falling unto the chair.

"Hi, I'm looking for the family of Miss Sidle please." An older women dressed in scrubs says.

"I'm Catherine Willows, her partner and this is Gill Grissom her supervisor. We are her only family. Please tell me she made it!" Catherine says jumping up and practically flying into the doctors face.

"Oh yes, Miss Willows I heard about your daughter last week, I'm so sorry for your loss." The kind old doctor starts. Even in this big hospital word travels fast. Everyone was talking about the tragic shooting and death of that young sweet Willows girl.

"Is Sara alive?!" Catherine cuts her off as Grissom quietly walks behind and puts a gentle hand around her shoulders while giving an apologetic smile toward the doctor.

"As of right now she has pulled through the surgery, but I must warn you, she is still in critical condition. We had to restart her heart several times on the operating table and had to give her a blood transfusion. Most of the damage was done to the right lung; miraculously her heart and major blood vessels weren't involved. She has several broken ribs and her right lung was deflated. We had to remove a portion of the right lower lobe. The biggest concerns I have right now is the overall blood loss and her brain's reaction to the lack of blood and oxygen." The doctor says while guiding them both to sit down.

"Oh my God!" Catherine whispers while covering her mouth.

"She's a tough one though. It's a miracle she's made it this far. Right now we have her in the surgical recovery room; which I'm very sorry does not allow visitors. But if she can pull through the next few hours we can probably move her to the ICU where they will allow two visitors at a time. So, for the time being, you two should probably go home and get some rest and a nurse will call you should there be any changes in her condition or when they are ready to move her." The kind older woman says.

"Thank you Doctor." Grissom says as Catherine's mouth seemingly went on strike. As the doctor turned and left, Grissom guided Catherine to sit back down on the chair.

"She's still alive...I still have a chance." Catherine whispers in relief.

_Please keep fighting for me Sara. I love you so much! No matter how long or what it takes, I'll make it up to you baby. You make it through this and wake up and I'll do the rest. Now and forever my love!_


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23 and GSRCSILVR25!!! I managed to get this one written on time for my daily update, but I may not be able to get one out tomorrow... I'll try my best though. Freaking life is kicking me around right now. These last few chapters have slowed down intensity wise, but it may just pick up a bit soon...I'm still deciding where I want to take this. Thanks everyone for reading!!! Take care guys!**

Grissom came over and stayed the night with me. He and the whole team have been a great support to me...but I haven't been able to sleep at all.

Every time I close my eyes I either see Lindsay's bloody body or Sara's. What's almost worst are the images my brain is creating of what happened to Sara and those few minutes she endured before she lost consciousness.

Sara must have known exactly what was happening once she was shot. It kills me to think what must have been going through her beautiful head. I know Jim and everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault and there was nothing more I could have done, but I can't help but feel responsible.

If you look back at our history, hell the first moment we met...I've always been too hard on her. I've always made her feel inferior...maybe because I'm so damn insecure.

I know I never came out and blamed her for Lindsay's death...but I didn't give her any reason not to think I did. I think It's because I did blame her...because I didn't have anyone else to blame...and I wasn't about to step-up and blame myself.

But it wasn't her fault! Just like it wasn't my fault...I know that now. As I'm starting to see the big picture, thanks to Sara's persistence, I know that my baby was taken away needlessly in the name of revenge. Just like we see every day at work, human greed and selfishness...pure evil...took the light of my life away; unfortunately this is not a new concept.

What I do blame myself for is all the time I wasted or misused hurting Sara. I remember when Eddie was killed, and Sara was working the case, I was so bad to her. I accused her of being incompetent in not bringing the killer to justice...I thought we had gone past that...but now I see it's coming back to haunt me. I know Sara probably poured over the details of Lindsay's murder to make sure she found out the truth....even though day shift closed the case. And I know some of her drive to be so persistent is because I made her feel like she didn't complete the job with Eddie's case.

And so here I find myself in danger of losing both of the loves of my life. But I swear to God, if I get this last chance...I'll spend the rest of my life making up to Sara for everything I've done and anything I still may do. Please God, give me one more chance...please...

"Catherine! It's the hospital on the phone!" Grissom yells from downstairs.

I jump and grab the phone so fast that the pounding of my heart is almost blocking out the voice on the other end.

"Hi, this is Catherine Willows." I say breathlessly...even though I only had to take 3 steps to get to the phone.

"Hi Miss Willows, this is Angie calling from Desert Palms ICU. I'm calling regarding Sara Sidle. Would you be able to come to the hospital so we can speak?"

"Is...is she okay? Why? What's going on?" I ask as my throat goes bone dry.

"I was given your name as Miss Sidle's emergency contact...and since she has been admitted to our unit...I cannot provide information over the phone, but the doctors would like to speak with you." The nurse says in a gentle tone.

"Oh, okay....but that means she's okay right...she's still alive...she..." I know I'm shuddering and not thinking before I speak, but my brain has decided to abandon me.

"I really can't discuss patient information over the phone but...she is admitted here..." The nurse tries to prompt me.

_Oh, now I get it....shit...she could get in trouble if someone overhears her giving out information...but they wouldn't admit her if she was dead. Damn brain...that was slow...get with it Willows!_

"Right...I'm sorry...I understand...Thank you. I'll be there right away." I stammer into the phone.

"One more thing miss Willows, might I suggest you have someone else drive you in...given the stress of the situation and all..." The nurse trails off.

_Yes I know...I sound out of it...I am out of it...I'm in no condition to drive...thanks_

"Yes, thank you. I'll be there shortly. Goodbye." I say.

"Gill! We need to go now!" I yell downstairs as I hang up the phone and grab fresh clothes.

"I have the car started...I'll be out waiting." Gill yells back.

_Poor Gill. He's so on edge and worried. I have to remember to make him rest before he has a heart attack. He's been such a rock; I don't know what I'd do without him._

The drive to the hospital was done in relative silence. Both of our minds conjuring up scenarios and preparing ourselves for the worst. By the time we got to the hospital I was so wound up that I went down the wrong hallway and got Gill and I lost...I ended up near the foot clinic.

When we finally found our way to the ICU we were shuffled into a family room to wait for the healthcare team.

_I never want to see the inside of a waiting room ever again! Who designs these rooms anyway! Do they really think abstract paintings of flowers are going to calm anyone's nerves? Those have to be the most pissed off looking flowers I have ever seen..._

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Are you the family of Miss Sidle?" A young woman asks.

"Yes, I'm Catherine Willows her partner and this is Gill Grissom. Is Sara going to be okay? She made it here to the ICU...she survived the surgery..." I ask in a small voice._ I'm really tired of having to introduce myself to doctors too...especially when they don't just get to the point...my heart is about to explode here!_

"I assume the surgeon spoke to you about the severity of Miss Sidle's injuries." The young doctor asks.

_I can only nod in response. Nothing personal against this lady, but my nerves are beyond shot...if she doesn't just get to the point I may just have to kill somebody..._

"Overnight Miss Sidle experienced a few seizures. We have put her on dilantin and are monitoring her closely to make sure this isn't an allergic reaction to the blood transfusion. However, my main concern is that this may be an early indication that she has suffered some brain damage." The doctor says looking down.

_And there goes my heart...I think I'm going to be sick._

"Brain damage...like brain dead?" I say in a whisper as my voice cracks.

"Not brain dead at this point. It's far too early to tell and we do have her heavily sedated due to the intubation and being post-op. But we will have to run more tests over the next few days. I just wanted to prepare you for the possibility of brain damage. Otherwise her blood pressure and pulse are improving and there are no signs of infection right now. She is a strong lady. You have a fighter Miss Willows." The doctor says giving us a warm smile.

"Thank you...can we see her now?" I ask trying to take this all in. I really just need to touch her and let her know I'm here.

"She can have up to two visitors during visiting hours. She's in a private room right now. I can have a nurse take you in." She says while standing and offering me her hand.

"Thank you doctor, I appreciate your help. Please take good care of Sara, she's all I have left." I say in an automatic manner. _My brain has left me the second I heard brain damage...this is way too much to take in. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells...is she going to make to surgery...will she survive surgery...now is she brain dead..._

As we part with the doctor and a nurse comes and takes her place, I feel the supportive hands of Grissom help guide me down the hall._ He has barely said two words since we came in. I think he's in just as much shock as I am._

"Now, before we head into the room, I must prepare you. Miss Sidle is attached to several monitors and IV's and still has the breathing tube down her throat. But don't be afraid to touch her and let her know you are here." Another nurse explains as we stop in front of her room.

_I know she has to do this and is being very polite but I've heard this so many times before and nothing could be worse or more shocking than seeing CPR being performed on her in the ER...I just want to see my love now!_

"Thank you nurse." I hear Grissom say behind me. I guess he can sense my frustration as well.

_Okay, maybe I'm not as prepared as I thought. _I feel Grissom's strong arms wrap around me as we enter the room.

_My knees have apparently joined my brain on their leave of absence and if it wasn't for Grissom I would be on my ass on the floor right now._

"I'm okay...I just haven't slept and...I'm okay now. I'm not going to pass out or anything." I say as I see a nurse jogging toward me out of the corner of my eye.

The nurse comes and places a chair beside Sara's bed and grabs a second one for Gill as he guides me toward the chair.

"Sorry, it's just all hitting me...I just..." I can't finish my thought as I break into full out sobs.

_Shit! I thought I was in control...now I'm crying again. Calm down Catherine...don't make a scene...I'm so embarrassed....and I don't even know why; I shouldn't be....I just feel so out of control right now..._

Grissom hands me a tissue and all I can do is hold Sara's hand and cry.

She actually looks peaceful right now, and that does bring me comfort. All of the blood has been cleaned off and I close my eyes and listen to the steady beeping of her heart. I allow her heartbeat to steady my nerves and slow down my breathing.

_Some nights when I would have trouble sleeping due to a hard case at work, I would lean against Sara with my ear on her chest and her heartbeat would sooth me into a peaceful sleep. I'm trying to let the machine representation do the same so I can find my voice to speak._

"Sara sweetheart, It's Catherine and Grissom here. I am so proud of you, you're doing so well. We love you so much! We will all be with you every step of the way. No matter what Sara. You get through this and I will take care of you. Even if it means buying a hospital bed and hiring a private nurse, I'm going to take you home and take care of you. You just keep breathing for me and I'll do the rest. I love you so much Sara Sidle, please don't leave me."

As I start to cry again I decide that enough with words for now. I gently pick up the hand without the IV and pulse oximeter and kiss it.

_I'm just going to let her heartbeat calm my soul. Even near death Sara still has complete control of me._


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25, VagorielV, Harley Quinn Davidson and Chhi for the awesome reviews!!! ****Sorry I couldn't get this out yesterday and that this chapter is on the short side. I just wanted to get a little something out for you today....and I should have one ready for tomorrow as well....I hope. Things are still a bit on the crazy side for me...shift work sucks...but I wanted to thank you all for the support. You all are keeping me on my toes and keeping me from slacking on this. I really appreciate it! I'm still having such a blast writing this :) Thanks for reading and take care everyone!!!**

It's been three days and not much has changed. I am thankful that she's still alive and fighting, but the pressure of not knowing the full extent of her injuries is slowly killing me.

Sara is still in her own room in the ICU and we all take turns visiting her during our allowed hours. From the minute visiting hours begin, to the minute it ends, someone is with Sara. I want to make sure she knows she's not alone. Even if she can't make out the exact words, I hope she hears the familiar voices and feels the love accompanied with them. I'm terrified that in her beautiful mind she thinks I'm mad or blame her.

The first night she was in the ICU I fell asleep holding her hand. When I woke up visiting hours were over, but that same nice nurse Elizabeth was working that night and came in and gave me a pillow and said I could stay as long as I didn't tell anyone she allowed me to stay. I think she was afraid Sara wasn't going to make it through the night. But she proved everyone wrong...she's still fighting.

Her condition hasn't changed much over the last few days. Although she hasn't needed any further blood transfusions and her blood pressure is finally starting to stabilize. She's still on a ventilator and heavily sedated. What scares me most though is the random twitches and jerky movements she has every few minutes. The doctors and nurses tell me they are possibly mini seizures and they are still working on finding a therapeutic level for the seizure medications. Hopefully within the next few days the chest tube can come out; it's hardly draining blood anymore. I can't wait for that thing to come out...it's scary big and wide...I know that it has to hurt.

It seems so unnatural to see Sara like this. She looks so small and vulnerable. It breaks my heart. The constant beeping of the heart monitor and the mechanical clicking and whooshing of the ventilator are somewhat soothing and scary all at the same time. It scares me to know that she has no actual part in the breathing process. That if that machine was off, she would die within minutes.

"Hi Sara, it's Catherine. Jim just left. That was nice of him, he was here with you for almost two whole hours. He's so proud of you too my love. You're such a fighter. Griss is on the way too, he should be here any minute now." I lean forward and smooth a strand of hair off her face without disturbing the breathing tube and gently hold her hand. _I love how she always pushes that strand of hair behind her ear when she anxious or nervous...and then it pops right back out....and that half smirk she does...and her beautiful brown eyes..._

"Sara, please wake up soon for me babe, I need to see your beautiful eyes again. I know your fighting you're best and..."

Whoa, what was that? Did she just squeeze my hand or was that a twitch?

"Sara? Can you hear me honey? Can you squeeze my hand babe? I'm right here with you." I say while standing up and leaning father over the bed.

_Shit, I just felt it again...should I call a nurse?! _

A knock on the door throws my train of thought and I nearly jump the height of myself.

"I'm so sorry Cath, I didn't mean to startle you! Are you okay?" Grissom says as I whip around to face the source of my freight.

_Startle me...is that what their calling it now a days...I nearly shit my pants..._

"Grissom, could you call a nurse for me? I'm not sure if Sara is twitching or trying to squeeze my hand?" I say trying still to recover from the scare.

Grissom looks intently at Sara for a second before darting down the hall for a nurse.

"Sara, Grissom is here now too. Can you squeeze my hand baby, please?"

Just as Grissom and the nurse enter the room an alarm sounds and Sara begins to violently twitch, causing me to jump back from my position at Sara's side.

"What's going on?! I thought she was trying to squeeze my hand!" I yell in fear and shock.

"Shit, she's having a seizure! I'm going to have to ask you two to leave!" The nurse yells as suddenly two more people come running in the room.

_Oh my God, I thought this was a good thing! How could I be so stupid? She was in trouble..._

Grissom grabs me from behind and begins to drag me out of the room.

"No! Sara! Hang on! No! Let me go!" I yell as I fight Grissom's hold on me.

_No! I'm not leaving Sara...stop...she needs me...Sara..._

As I'm forced out of the room I attach myself to the window so I can still see and hear what's going on.

"Push versed now!" "She tachy, get the crash cart ready." "Make sure she's not pulling the stitches out on her chest." "Watch the chest tube!" "Disconnect the machine and manually ventilate." Several voices shout at each other.

_No, not that thing again...please don't have to shock her again...her poor chest is still so bruised from all the CPR...please not this again...I thought she was getting better..._

I start sobbing again as someone wheels the crash cart past me into the room. I can barely see Sara anymore. I can see her feet and toes are curled and jerky violently still.

"I'm very sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you both to follow me to the waiting room" Someone from behind says to us.

"No! No more waiting rooms! I'm not leaving her, she needs me! I need her! I can't do this again!" I scream. There is no more being polite, there is no more holding back.

I turn back to see Sara again and my knees give out when I see them beginning to charge the paddles to shock her again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23 for the reviews :) I just want to apologize in advance if I don't get the next few chapters out daily...I'm trying, but still overwhelmed with life stuff now. Gotta love it eh?! Good luck everyone in your own school/work/life balances. Thank you so much everyone for reading! Take care!**

_What the hell is going on?! Am I being carried? Am I dreaming? I thought I was at the hospital visiting Sara. Well, I hope this means I dreaming and Sara's okay._

"Catherine!"

_Go away, I'm sleeping!_

"Catherine!"

_Just give me 5 more minutes! Go away!_

"Catherine! Wake up honey!"

_Sara? Wait, no that sounded like Jim....Go away Jim...in the nicest way possible of course..._

"Catherine! Come on!"

_Oh you come on...leave me alone! Fine, fine, you win...what the hell do you want?!_

"Urgh!" _Wow, that was elegant. Well said Willows._

I open my eyes to find that I'm lying in a bed and Jim is standing in front of me. _What the bloody Hell is going on?! This doesn't look like my house!_

"It's okay Catherine, you're safe. Try and relax." Jim says while stepping forward and grabbing my hand.

I instinctively jump up into a sitting position. _What is going on?! Am I in a hospital bed?! _I rip off the thin tube that's under my nose and around my ears.

"Easy Catherine! Stop! You're okay! You passed out while visiting Sara. You're in the ER. Please lay down. Take deep breaths. Do you remember what happened?" Jim says while placing his hands on my shoulders, making my lay back down.

I close my eyes and try to focus on my last memory. _I'm not sure if this is real or a dream, but I think I was visiting Sara...yeah, I was visiting Sara. I think she was squeezing my hand...then alarms went off...she was having a seizure! They pushed me out of the room...oh God no..._

"Where's Sara!" I yell forcing Jim's hands off me.

"Please Catherine..." Jim starts.

"No! Get off me! Where's Sara?! They were going to shock her again! What happened." I yell fighting the man that is trying to help me. I don't know why, but I'm punching him in the chest and trying to stop him from helping back into a laying position. _I just need to be with Sara! So help me God, if Sara died..._

"Sara's being taken care of. Please Catherine! You gave us quite a scare. You're not well yourself. Please let me help you. You need to put the oxygen back on." Jim says in an authoritative tone while pressing the call button.

"No please Jim....don't....I need to be with Sara! I'm fine. Please don't do this to me." I cry.

_I know I'm panicking right now...I know I'm hysterical...but I need Sara!_

Suddenly a nurse appears and both her and Jim make me lay back down.

"Should I bring something to sedate her?" I hear the nurse say.

"No! Please! Where's Sara?! I'll do whatever you want just tell me Sara's okay!" I sob uncontrollably.

"Grissom's talking with the doctor right now Catherine. Nobody's going to do anything to you. Please just try to calm down a little and take deep breaths for me sweetheart." Jim says while shooting daggers at the nurse.

"Just give me a minute with her, she'll be fine. She's just disorientated and confused. Give me a minute then you can take her vitals or whatever you need, please." Jim says to the nurse who just nods in response.

"Oh God Jim! Is it true? Did I dream it or did Sara really have a bad seizure?" I try to speak in-between sobs. _I think my heart is about to pound out of my chest._

"Yes Catherine, she did. But Grissom is speaking with them now, he'll be in to tell us any minute. But we need to take care of you first okay. They are taking good care of Sara. You know how pissed she would be at you right now if you didn't take care of yourself." Jim says with trying to rub calming circles on my arms.

"I don't remember passing out." I finally say while closing my eyes and rubbing my face.

"You're lucky Grissom caught you. You would have hit your head pretty hard. As it was, you were out cold for more than half an hour." Jim says finally relaxing enough himself to sit back down.

"Shit. I can't believe all this." I can only whisper.

"Catherine!" I hear Grissom's voice.

"Thank God your okay! You nearly scared me to death!" Grissom says while stepping in the room. My only reaction is to hold my arms out for him to come hug me as tears begin to fall yet again.

"Whoa, whoa, hold the phone! I just got punched and he get hugs?" Jim says in a mock serious tone.

I let go of Gill and grab Jims arms to pull him into a hug as well. Now the sobs come uncontrollably and I latch onto Jim even harder.

"How are you feeling Catherine?" Grissom asks as Jim hands me a tissue.

"I'm fine Griss, I guess all the shock and stress finally caught up with me. I'm okay now though. How's Sara?" I ask resuming my death hold on Jim's arm.

"They were able to stabilize her and took her for a MRI. They are concerned about what's causing the seizures. They have started her on a different medication. A specialist is going to come talk to you about the results of the MRI shortly." Grissom says.

Right when he finished, there was a knock on the door and a balding older doctor walked in, followed by a nurse.

"Hello Miss Willows, I heard you gave us quite a scare upstairs. How are you feeling?

"I'm much better thank you. This really isn't necessary." I say indicating the IV and nasal prongs. "I haven't been able to really sleep since this all started and I guess the shock of everything finally got me."

"I completely understand, but please don't forget to take care of yourself. Sara is going to need you full strength." The older man replies with a kind smile.

"Do you have Sara's test results?" I ask, cutting to the chase. I need to know she's okay. I need to see her again...now.

"Miss Sidle experienced probably her worst seizure yet. She didn't immediately respond to the medication which put a great strain on her heart and we had to stabilize her heart rate through defibrillation. But right now she is in stable condition and luckily didn't sustain any further injury to her chest or surgical wounds." The doctor begins.

"So as we told Mr. Grissom, we are very concerned about the source of these seizures so we did a MRI of her head. I'm afraid the results do indicate an area of concern. It's difficult to tell for sure at this point, but it looks like a few areas may have received damage from either the prolonged period she was in cardiac arrest or respiratory distress." He says while looking down at his chart.

Suddenly I'm happy I am sitting down in bed. _I had suspected this...but it's totally different to hear a doctor say it. I think my death grip on Jim's arm just intensified tenfold._

"So there is brain damage?" I whisper trying not to cry again.

"Again, at this point it's hard to say for sure, but there were some abnormalities present. We won't know the full extent until she regains consciousness." He starts before I cut him off.

"So your saying she will wake up?" I rush out in one anxious breath.

"Nothing is for certain right now. But she is a very strong young woman. Hopefully with this new medication we can better control the seizures and if she continues to stabilize we can reduce the sedation and wean her off the ventilator. She is essentially in a medically induced coma now to allow her to heal." He states giving my leg a gentle pat.

"So for the time being I want you to rest Miss Willows. I can prescribe something to calm your nerves or help you sleep. Sara is going to need all of you to help her through this. The recovery won't be easy, so you all need to take care of yourselves as well okay." He says smiling at us.

"Thank you very much doctor." Jim says while offering his hand.

"Can I see Sara now?" I pipe up from my position in bed.

"I want you to stay here overnight for observation Catherine. You were quite dehydrated yourself. I'll examine you later tomorrow and we can see then okay?" He says.

"No, no, no...hold on. One, I'm not staying here, I told you I'm fine. And two, perhaps I said that wrong before...take me to Sara now...please." I say while sitting up once again.

"Thank you doctor, We'll take care of Catherine here." Grissom says while shaking the doctors hand as he leaves my room.

"Take care of Catherine my ass! I'm not a child Gill! I want to see Sara! I'll take better care of myself...I just passed out...I'm fine!" I yell from behind Jim who is still trying to get me to lay down.

"Catherine, I stopped the nurse from sedating you earlier, don't make me go find her and change my mind. We know you're not a child, so don't make me treat you like one. You're running yourself down to the bone and it caught up with you. Now, we are going to stay with you here tonight and the guys are taking turns upstairs watching over Sara. We will make sure you know everything we know. So please just get some sleep and get yourself better!" Jim says exasperated.

"I ....ummm...thank you. I'm sorry." Is all I can manage to say. _Damn, I've been told. I guess he's right...but both of them look exhausted too._

"There is nothing to be sorry for Catherine. We are just so worried for you too." Jim says while sitting down on the chair beside my bed.

"Look guys, I promise I won't cause any trouble. I'll stay here overnight. But both of you need to sleep as well. Please go home and rest." I say now calmed down and worried for my extended family as well.

"I'm fine." They both say at the same time. Shaking his head, Grissom continues.

"Don't worry about us Catherine. You just go to sleep okay. We'll be around when you wake up." Grissom says from his spot by the door.

"If you need anything, just shout. We won't be far sweetheart." Jim says while standing up and kissing my forehead.

Just as they got ready to leave, a nurse came in with a needle in hand.

"Behave Catherine." Jim says with a smile as I open my mouth to protest against the needle.

I can only frown in defeat.

"This is just a little something to help you sleep my dear." The older nurse says.

"We'll be here when you wake up Catherine. Try to rest sweetheart." They say before the older woman injects the liquid into my IV.

_Good night Sara, I love you. _Are my last thoughts before the darkness claims me.


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks mikkir, Kirky123, quietmusician and SJ-23 for the reviews :) !!! I got this one out on time...yay! I have to ask a quick question Kirky123, what does pms mean? Sorry, I'm still new at this stuff :) I hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for reading everyone! Take care!**

From now on, I trust no one.

It's been three days since I passed out in the ICU hallway while visiting Sara and only last night was I discharged. Nick drove me home and forced me to sleep while he spent the night on the living room sofa.

Griss and Jim are finally home sleeping themselves and Greg is at the hospital with Sara. Warrick is going to meet Nick and I here so Nick can go to work and Warrick will take me to the hospital.

I'm dying to see Sara! Yes the guys have been reporting every little detail, but it's not the same. I think the whole hospital has met our CSI family. They don't question us or give us a hard time anymore.

From what I've been told, Sara has been stable the last few days and the chest tube is gone. It looks like her ribs and lung are healing well and they have found the right balance for the seizure medication. They still have her in a medically induced coma, but are hoping we can start tapering off soon.

As for myself, I'm on an anti anxiety medication as well as a sleeping pill and I have to see a psychiatrist twice a week. I actually don't mind as much as I thought I would. I know I need help; I lost my daughter and my lover is gravely ill. Plus the guilt and other issues I have floating through my head...I know things are bad right now.

The drive to the hospital was uneventful. Although, the entire ride I was becoming more and more anxious to finally be able to see Sara. I need to see for my own eyes that she's okay. That final fleeting memory of seeing that paddles being prepped to send an electric shock through my love's body keeps haunting my dreams.

"Hey Catherine! How are you feeling?" Greg says and throws himself at me as we step off the elevator onto the ICU.

"I'm feeling much better now Greg thank you. And thanks for staying with Sara." I say while trying to peel Greg off of me.

"A nurse is just in with Sara now, so she kicked me out, but it's been my pleasure." Greg says with a sad smile.

"I'm sure Sara really appreciates it too. Nick is waiting for you downstairs. Try to take it easy." I say while hugging Greg again.

"Give Sara my love and take care of yourself too Catherine. Keep an eye on her Warrick." Greg says while stepping on the elevator. Warrick wisely stays silent as I send him an evil glare.

"Will do Greg! Plus I have all of you looking after me too. How can I go wrong." I say while jokingly elbowing Warrick in the side.

"Cath, I'm going to go grab a coffee. You still like yours double, double?" Warrick asks while playful grabbing the back of my neck.

"Yeah, thanks Warrick." I say while heading down the familiar hall to Sara's room.

I stop in front of the door because the curtains are still pulled indicating the nurse is still in there.

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"Okay Sara, let's get you all cleaned up for your woman shall we." Elizabeth says while grabbing a brush.

"I used the nice shampoo Catherine brought from home. It smells nice eh. Let me just comb out your beautiful hair and give it a quick towel dry." Elizabeth continues. _You never know how much your patients hears and understands, so even if I sound like I'm crazy talking to myself, I like to talk to them and let them know what I'm doing._

"There you go sweetheart! Beautiful! Catherine is coming to see you soon you know. She calls all the time to make sure you're okay. She loves you very much! You're a very lucky woman, you have a great loving family." Elizabeth continues while grabbing the suction equipment.

"Let's give you a quick suction and make sure your lungs are all clear, then you're all done my dear." Elizabeth says.

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Having heard the one-sided exchange inside the room, Catherine can't help but tear up.

_I do love her so, so much! And we are very Blessed to have such a loving extended family. The guys have really pulled together and have been doing shifts between myself and Sara...plus work...to make sure we are okay. I never would have been able to deal with all of this without them. First with Lindsay and now Sara..._

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of curtains being drawn and then a door opening.

"Oh hi Catherine! How are you feeling sweetheart? You are looking great my dear!" Elizabeth says in surprise when she see me.

"I'm feeling much better thanks! Very anxious to see Sara. How's she doing?" I say while giving the familiar kind nurse a hug.

"She's still heavily sedated, but her lungs sound good and her blood pressure is stable. No seizures today so far, and her surgical wounds are healing well. I think we can start weaning the sedatives soon and then hopefully the vent too. The bruising on her ribs are fading as well. So far things are looking good." Elizabeth summarizes.

"Any new results on the brain damage issue." I ask. _I'm not sure I really want to know, but I have to ask._

"They haven't ordered another MRI or CAT scan yet. I think they want her to wake up first, then we will get a better idea." Elizabeth says before turning as her name is paged.

"Sorry, I have to run, that's my other patient calling. I'll be around if you have any other questions or concerns. Just hit the call bell if you need anything. Go see your girl now." Elizabeth says with a smile and patting me on the shoulder.

"Thanks Elizabeth, I really appreciate everything you've done for us." I say giving the nurse another hug. _These poor nurses work so hard and never get enough credit._

As I head into the room I'm surprised to see very little has changed. Minus the chest tube and bag, Sara is still hooked up to many machines and IVs. She looks peaceful though. And she's not twitching anymore.

"Hi sweetheart it's Catherine." I say while bending down and kissing her forehead.

"I've missed you like crazy! But I've been thinking of you every minute of every day. I think I took a page out of your book and ran myself down. But I'm feeling much better now, and just being able to see you makes me feel one hundred times better." I say while holding her hand.

_The machines are beeping in a nice smooth rhythm and she doesn't seem as pale as before. God, I hope she wakes up soon. I really need to talk to her and apologize for being so stupid before. I'll never make that mistake again. It took losing Lindsay and almost losing Sara for me to see how lucky I truly am. I'll never take another minute of being with her for granted again! I'm going to tell her I love her so much she'll probably get sick of me. But I don't care, because it's true._

"I love you so much Sara Sidle! I couldn't live without you. So please wake up for me sweetheart. Please don't leave me here alone. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making up for all the times I ignored and hurt you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you until we are old and feeble. And then beyond. I'm going to get you through this my love, I promise." I say while picking up her hand and kissing it.

_I'm going to cherish every moment I have with her. Even sitting here and holding her hand while listening to the machine tick off the beats of her heart and the ventilator whooshing air into her lungs._

As I wait for Warrick and the warm caffeine goodness I can't help but smile. Even sitting here in this uncomfortable chair in a hospital room with that all too sterile smell, there is no other place in the world I would rather be. I am with Sara and she is still fighting for our lives.


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and Chhi for the helpful reviews :) !!! Thank you mikkir, that makes sense. I'm learning :). I can't believe I've been writing this for so long already and I'm on chapter 20! I never thought my little nagging idea would turn out this long. But this story seems to want to run its own course and I'm just going with the flow. My imagination is still running wild with ideas and I'm still having fun with this whole process of story writing. I have a good idea of where I want this to go and how it will end...with a few more twists and turns on the way. I hope I'm still keeping you all interested. Thanks everyone for reading. Take care.**

I can't believe it's been nine days. Nine days since I received that horrible phone call. Nine days since Sara's heart stopped beating several times and was restarted. Nine days since she took a breath by herself and nine days since anyone saw her beautiful eyes open.

The doctors and nurses here have been wonderful. Elizabeth has taught me how to help with Range of Motion exercises to help keep Sara's muscles and joints in good working order.

Every day we all still take turns coming in and visiting Sara. Her room is full of flowers and pictures. I try to be here as much as physically possible. I want to be the first face she sees when she wakes up.

There is still no word on Todd...the evil bastard that caused all this. He never turned up at any hospital, which is surprising given the amount of blood they found at the scene. There has been some rumbling about the manner in which Sara found him and how this all went down, but Jim is keeping everyone off our backs. Our main concern is getting Sara well again.

They have been tapering down her sedation over the last few days and thank God she hasn't had a seizure since. They told me she will probably have to be on an anti seizure medication the rest of her life, but that won't be a problem.

I have noticed today that she has moved around a little. Not twitches like before, more like fidgeting the way she used to in a deep sleep. I hope this means she's trying to wake up.

The doctors said she may be able to wake up soon since the heavy duty sedatives are gone. Although the ventilator is still on 100% which means she hasn't made an effort to breathe on her own yet. Hopefully once she wakes up more they can wean her off that as well.

"Sara, can you move your hand for me honey? It's Catherine here. Let's do some of your stretches again sweetheart." I say while holding her arm.

"Hi Catherine, sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to take Sara's vitals and do a quick test." Elizabeth says knocking on the door.

_I've been able to meet many nurses here and have become quite close to a few of them; Elizabeth being my favorite. She's always so good with Sara. She talks to her and explains everything that she's doing. She treats her like a real person and not just a body. I know they have to rotate assignments, but I wish she was Sara's nurse every day._

"Do you need me to leave Elizabeth?" I ask putting Sara's arm back down to rest on her chest.

"No, that's fine dear, I'll only be a minute. You know, other than painkillers and a mild sedative, she's pretty much all clear. She can probably hear us and feel you holding her hand. She's made great progress, I wouldn't be surprised if she wakes up soon." Elizabeth says while detangling the blood pressure cuff.

"I've noticed her move a little bit today. Kind of readjust they way she does when she's in a deep sleep." I say while rubbing her arm.

"Well, pretty much now she's just sleeping, she's not in a medically induced coma anymore. But when she does wake up, she's going to be really out of it. It's not like how you see on TV when they wake up and take out the breathing tube and can talk and remember everything all at once. This will take time, but she's doing great." Elizabeth smiles.

"Her blood pressure is good and her lungs sound great. Let me just try one thing." She continues while grabbing an alcohol swab and needle.

I watch silently as she cleans an area on Sara's foot with an alcohol swab and gentle pokes her with the needle.

"There we go, sorry sweetheart I just need to check something." Elizabeth says to Sara as Sara's foot very slightly jerked in response.

"It wasn't much of a response, but I got a bit of a grimace there. Sara's definitely coming along. Aren't you Sara? You're coming back to us." Elizabeth says while cleaning the area she poked once more.

Tears immediately spring to my eyes. That was the first real response I've seen Sara make since this all began. I think we are going to make it after all.

"Why was it only a small response? Is something wrong with her?" I ask. _Yes I'm really happy there was even the smallest response, but I'm still afraid to get my hopes up too fast. Last time I thought she was doing well, she almost died again._

"She's still nice and doped up on the pain meds. Even when she wakes up and opens her eyes I don't expect there to be a proper response until the pain meds are tapered down as well. Given the extent of all her injuries, if she didn't have these meds her blood pressure would go through the roof in sheer pain. We kind of have her in a dream state now." Elizabeth explains as I resume my position by the head of the bed.

"This is a very good sign Catherine. Sara is coming back to you." Elizabeth smiles while heading to the door. "Ring me if you need anything okay? I'll be around here somewhere." Elizabeth says before rolling her eyes as her name is paged yet again.

"Thanks, I will." I say as the young nurse runs off again.

"Okay Sara, now that you've been poked and prodded, back to your stretches." I say while grabbing her leg.

_Since Sara is such a modest person, I've made a point of shaving her legs and using the moisturizer she likes almost every day. It would kill her to be stuck in bed with hairy legs...even near death._

As I work my way to her hands and fingers, I stop dead in my tracks when I feel a slight pressure against my hand.

_Oh shit...last time this happened it was almost a disaster!_

I slam my thumb on the call button and hold it down like my life depended on it.

"Sara, are you okay babe?" I ask just before an alarm sounds.

_Oh God not again! Please not this again!_

"Sara!" I scream just as Elizabeth comes running in the room.

"Is everything okay?" Elizabeth says breathlessly.

"I don't know! I was doing those Range of Motion things you taught me...then I felt a squeeze...now an alarm is going off...please don't tell me this is happening again!" I say panicking.

"No, no, this is a good thing Catherine. That alarm is the vent. It's sensing she's making an effort to breathe on her own." Elizabeth says while pressing buttons on the monitor.

"She's what?" I say in shock while tears prick my eyes yet again. _Did she just say Sara is trying to breathe? Could this finally be happening?!_

"She's trying to breathe and wake up for you. Sara, it's okay my dear. You're safe. There's a tube down your throat trying to help you breathe, don't fight it." Elizabeth says leaning over to examine Sara.

"Sara, it's Catherine. You're doing so well baby. Come back to me babe!" I say while leaning over to kiss her forehead.

I'm rewarded by a strangled, occluded moan as she tries to shift her position; that both Elizabeth and I noticed. A glace up at Elizabeth for confirmation and she smiles at me in response.

"Can you open your eyes for me sweetheart? It's Catherine. I love you so much Sara." I say while kissing her again.

I'm not sure how much she heard or understood, but she seemed to settle back into her deep sleep.

"This is excellent Catherine. That was a great first response. These things take time. She seemed a little distressed there for a second but I think hearing you calmed her down." Elizabeth says while giving Sara another quick once over.

"You're doing so well Sara! I'm here with you babe. You just rest and get better." I say while rubbing her arm.

"This is great Catherine. Keep talking to her and letting her know you're here. Remember she's still getting enough pain meds to knock either one of us out cold. You both are doing very well." Elizabeth says while coming over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you so much. I can't believe this is finally happening. I'm almost afraid to be happy for fear this isn't really happening." I say while wiping away another tear.

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_What is happening? Where am I? I don't feel good at all! What did I do? ...and what's happening? Am I hearing voices is my head? No wait, I know that voice. Is that Catherine? Catherine, what's happening? I'm so lost. Please help me. _

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

"I'm going to go inform the doctor and maybe see if we can start to wean her off the vent soon. This is wonderful Catherine. Keep up the good work ladies. Hit the call bell if you need anything still though." Elizabeth says while leaving.

"I'm so proud of you baby, keep up the good work. I can't wait to see your beautiful eyes again Sara. I'm here with you, you're not alone. I'm going to help you through this. I love you so much." I say while rubbing back her hair.

_She is coming back to me. I'm getting my second chance! I'll do whatever it takes. I'm so happy and excited! I better call the guys and give them the good news. _

As I grab my phone to call them I realize that I am a bit nervous as well. I know this is just the beginning of a long recovery. I just hope I don't screw up my second chance...I doubt I'll get a third.


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25, Harley Quinn Davidson** a**nd Chhi !!! Better late than never on this chapter. I'm switching shifts so my body is really messed up right now...I miss sleeping. Anyway, here's another one for you all. I may not be able to post tomorrow, but I'll really try. Thanks so much everyone for sticking with me. I hope you enjoy this. Take care everyone.**

Well, it's been 2 days now since Sara triggered the vent and squeezed my hand a little. It seems every day she moves around a bit more, but she hasn't opened her eyes yet. Although, yesterday they did start to wean the vent settings, which is amazing. It looks like her lungs are healing well, but aren't strong enough to breathe completely on their own; but we are getting there.

They told me once they wean her off the vent completely and are satisfied she's stable enough, they will extubate her and move her to a different floor to focus more on rehab. It will be a bitter sweet moment I'm sure, because the ICU staff here have been great.

All the guys are back to work now, but come to visit daily. Grissom has given me all the time off I need; plus I do have a fair bit of vacation time saved as well.

Jim is still really shaken up though. He's seeing the same psychiatrist as I am. He hasn't told me all the details of what he saw that day, and I don't want to ask him until he's ready, but I know it must have been traumatizing.

Sara seems very restless today. I hope she's not in pain. Although, she's still on the same heavy duty painkillers.

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_I feel like I've been hit by a damn bus! What the hell is going on?! I have no idea where I am, who I am or what's happening. I'm trying not to panic, but I can't move...or even hold a thought...what's going on again? And whatever has decided to sit on my chest, kindly remove your damn ass! My chest is killing me!_

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"Sara honey, it's Catherine. Are you okay? Can you squeeze my hand if you hear me or open your eyes for me babe?" I ask while squeezing Sara's hand.

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_Whoa, okay what's that?! Are you talking to me? Why can't I see you mystery voice? What's going on?! I think I know you...I feel comfortable when I hear your voice. Why the hell can't I figure out what's going on?! What's wrong with me?!_

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

"What's going on Sara sweetheart? Try to relax babe. It's me Catherine. You're not alone dear, your safe here. Try not to fight the tube, it's helping you breathe, you can't talk hun." I say noticing Sara begin to struggle and fight the ventilator. I hit the call button to get a nurse. I'm afraid Sara may be in distress.

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_Okay, this is not cool, I don't like this! I have no control over my body and it's freaking me out! I can hear you, but I can't figure out how to respond. My thoughts are so cloudy and disjointed. I know who I am...I think...but I can't get to concentrate long enough to figure out what's going on. Come on Sara think! What's the last thing you remember?_

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

"Sara, squeeze my hand if you can hear me love. Don't be afraid I'm here with you. You're going to be okay." I say still waiting for a nurse. She's definitely trying to respond or something...I just hope this is normal.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Oh come on! Stupid brain! I can't think! I'm trying to squeeze your hand, I can hear you...but I can't even tell if my body is doing what I tell it. Please keep talking, it's the only thing I can grasp before my mind trails off again._

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

I was just about to slam down the call button again as a nurse enters.

"Hi Catherine, what's going on dear." The young nurse James says as he rushes in.

"Sara seems to uncomfortable or something. She's fidgeting a lot and is making a groan noise every once and awhile. But she is squeezing my hand now...at least I think." I say while standing up.

"Okay Sara, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me." James says while coming to stand next to me and placing Sara's hand in his own.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Okay, I don't know who you are, but fine. Take that...I think..._

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

"Yeah, I definitely felt that too. This is excellent. She's responding on command. The neurologist has been reading up on Sara and will be coming in for a full assessment tomorrow I think. But I'll let her doctor know about her improvement. He thinks she could wake up any moment now." James says while pulling out his penlight and checking Sara's pupil response.

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_Okay, now I really don't like you! What the hell was that bright light for? That hurt! What the hell is going on here?! Where am I and what the hell happened?! I feel like I'm trapped!_

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Sara's whole body twitched as James flashed the light in her eyes and now she seems really agitated. She's groaning against the ventilator again and it's breaking my heart.

"It's okay Sara, you're okay babe. We just have to check you out love. Your safe here Sara, I'm with you my love." I say while taking Sara's hand once more and kissing her forehead.

"I'm just going to grab her a mild sedative to calm her down a little. I don't want her straining her lungs too much too fast." James says while leaving the room.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_I know your comforting voice...Catherine! Catherine help me! I don't know what's going on! Where am I? Where are you?! Why can't I hold a damn thought?!_

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Try and relax Sara. Your nurse is going to give you something to help you relax babe." I say trying to help calm her down.

She's still really struggling now. I wonder what's going through her beautiful head.

Just as I lean down and kiss her again, the most beautiful sight I have ever seen finally happened. Sara slowly opened her eyes and desperately tried to look around. Even though I was right in front of her, she couldn't seem to focus on anything. Her gaze was wild and clouded over.

"Hi Sara! Welcome back babe. You just rest, I'm taking care of you my love." I say with a huge smile on my face.

She manages to blink a few times before her eyes start sluggishly rolling back and then finally close once again.

I keep rubbing Sara's face until James comes back needle in hand.

"She opened her eyes for a few seconds! But then they rolled back and closed again. But that's a good sign right? Does that mean there isn't any brain damage?" I ask James all in one breath.

"That's excellent Catherine. I can't tell you for sure about the brain damage. You can ask the doctor when he comes. He should be in for rounds within the hour." James says before injecting the liquid into Sara's IV.

"Okay, I understand thanks. I'm just really nervous still. But I'm so happy she's finally responding." I say holding her hand again.

"Remember, once we can start decreasing the pain meds we'll get a better idea. She's still probably high up in the clouds with all this stuff." James says before leaving again.

"Thank you Sara, thank you for not leaving me." I say as I pull down the bed side rails and lay my head next to hers.

I know I should probably tell the guys, but I need to take all this in myself first. I'll just close my eyes for a few minutes and when the guys or the doctor comes in I'll get up. Sara's not the only one up in the clouds right now...I'm happily up there on cloud nine too. I'm getting my girl back.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23!!! I think I'm getting back in the swing of things again :) I missed being able to write from Sara's point of view. I wanted to write from her perspective chapters ago but my stupid brain decided it wanted to take its time getting to this point. I swear, it feels like this thing is writing itself! Thanks again everyone for your reviews and for sticking with my story. Take care!**

"Oh thank God your here Catherine!" Elizabeth says as I get off the elevator on the ICU.

"What? Is everything okay?" I ask as fear flashes through me.

"No, no sorry, everything's fine. I just can't get Sara to settle. I didn't want to sedate her because I knew you were coming, but she's really anxious this morning and I'm running off my feet since we are short staffed today. I have a volunteer in with her now making sure she doesn't pull anything out." Elizabeth says looking uncharacteristically flustered.

"Thanks Elizabeth, I'll see what I can do. If I need anything I'll page you." I say patting her on the shoulder.

"Thanks hun." Elizabeth says while running down the hall.

"No! Don't you even think about throwing that urinal!...stop..." I hear Elizabeth bellow behind me. Even though this is the ICU not all of the patients here are completely bedridden. Even though their health is still critical...some can still be more mobile than others.

"Housekeeping to 802 please, housekeeping to 802 thank you." The intercom voice says.

...poor Elizabeth...guess he didn't heed her warning...

I've gotten surprisingly comfortable here. I can pretty much handle any minor situations myself. I know how to correct the IV bump if it senses air in the tube or if the line is kinked. And the nursing staff says I'm the only person who can calm down Sara without the use of medication.

Since she opened her eyes for the first time 2 days ago, she's been steadily making more progress each day. They've been able to lower the vent settings successfully and we are hoping the tube will come out any day now. She's still on many painkillers and a mild sedative to help her lungs heal and so she won't completely fight the vent. As it is, when she gets agitated she'll reach up near the tube.

She moves around a lot know, which is great since nothing looks to be paralyzed. She'll open her eyes a bit more too, but still seems unable to focus on anything before they roll back in her head. But the nurses keep telling me not to worry there, that the medications are making her dopey for sure.

As I walk in the room I see a restless Sara and a terrified volunteer. Poor young girl looks like she's going to cry.

"Thank you very much for watching out for Sara. I'll take it from here." I tell the young volunteer, who smiles and leaves gladly.

"Oh Sara, are you giving everyone a hard time this morning?" I say while smoothing some hair out of her face.

"It's Catherine my love. Try to relax for me okay. Don't try to pull out the breathing tube dear, don't fight it." I say as her left hand keeps reaching up to the plastic faceplate that holds the tube in place and connects to a Velcro strap that goes around the back of her neck.

I'm rewarded with a moan as she tries to open her eyes.

I hold her hand and lean over the bed and kiss her forehead as her restless movements slow, then still.

She opens her eyes and looks around blinking and fighting against heavy eyelids. They really do have her doped up.

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_This has to be hell. I'm being tortured. I can barely hold a thought for more than five seconds and my body feels like it weighs one thousand pounds. My chest and throat hurt and I have no idea what's going on or what happened. I don't like admitting it, but I'm scared shitless._

_Wait, what was I just thinking...damn, this has to be hell..._

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"It's okay Sara. You're safe here in the hospital. I'm here with you my love. Since you're so fidgety today, let's do some stretches okay." I say while moving her arm.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Catherine! Is that you?! Thank God your here...wherever this is...I have no idea what's going on!_

_But if your here, then that means I'm safe. I'm not sure from what though...I feel so much better now that your with me._

_...now if I could only figure out why I'm like this..._

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"I don't know how you do it Catherine. She doesn't do that for anyone else. She must love you implicitly." Elizabeth says poking her head in the room.

All I can do is smile in response. I think if I open my mouth I'll just start crying again.

"Sorry to barge in by the way. I just wanted to let you know that I was speaking to the respirologist and he said he's confident we can extubate her tomorrow. So we will start tapering the meds slightly today so she's more clear tomorrow for the procedure." Elizabeth explains quickly.

"Oh God, that's great! Thanks so much!" I say wiping a tear. I can't seem to go very long without crying lately.

"I know, this is wonderful! I'll be in tomorrow too, so I'll get to see the big moment. Well, gotta run again. Beep me if you need anything dear." Elizabeth says before disappearing again.

Oh thank God! Not that I'm complaining, but these one-sided conversations where I pretty much repeat the same things over and over are getting a bit taxing. I mean, I'm so grateful for every moment still, but improvement is even better.

"Sara did you hear that? You're doing so well, they are finally going to be able to get that tube out of your throat." I say as Sara moans and tries to open her eyes again.

"Plus they are going to stop some of those meds that are making you feel so clouded." I say rubbing her face.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Okay, hang on...I'm understanding bit and pieces of what you're saying Catherine...at least for a few seconds before I feel like I'm running underwater again..._

_...making me feel cloudy...so there is a reason I can't figure out what's going on!_

_I hope you didn't catch me doing drugs...look, I was young and going through a self destructive phase..._

_...wait, what? Hey Catherine, is that you?! Thank God your with me..._

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I better call Jim. He's really going through a rough phase right now. He actually hasn't been able to come see Sara the last couple days. I think between the flashbacks and seeing her like this is just getting too much for him.

But if we can get the vent gone and she wakes up more...I think they will both help get one another through this.

I hope Sara realizes how much she means to so many people. The way everyone has come together to help her through this has been touching. Just looking around her room at all the cards and flowers is just a small testament to that.

When she wakes up I'm going to make sure she sees how much everyone loves her. If I didn't always make it clear to her before, I'm sure going to make up for lost time now.

I love Sara Sidle with all my heart and soul. Now and forever.

I know it's always said...and may seem corny...but this brush with death has made me finally open my eyes to what is truly important in life.

I love her in sickness and in health, until death do us part...and beyond.


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23!!! You guys are awesome!!! Thank you so much! Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday, but we got a nice storm over here last night and my internet and cable were down most of the evening and night. I'll try to have another chapter ready for tomorrow, but I honestly don't have much written right now. Thank you everyone for still reading! I hope you all enjoy this one. Take care everyone.**

When I woke up this morning I felt like a kid on Christmas day. I practically bounced my way to the car. Sara is going to be extubated today...and is hopefully awake and alert right now.

It almost feels like when Lindsay said her first word or took her first steps...oh God...I miss my baby so much!

But I know she's looking out for us now. And even though I don't want to say it to anyone, I think Linds may have had a hand in Sara's recovery. Sara was technically dead for several minutes...on several different occasions actually.

Maybe someday I'll talk to Sara about this. Once Sara recovers, we are going to have to do a lot of talking about many things. But I'm so grateful I'm going to have the opportunity...regardless of how uncomfortable and maybe painful the conversations may be.

I hope she doesn't hate me for everything I've done to her. Even if I probably deserve it.

Regardless, I'm going to spend the rest of my life making up to her...even if she doesn't feel the same about me anymore.

The guys are all stuck working so they're not going to be able to be there...but I have strict instructions to call them right away. I think this actually may be the first time I've driven to the hospital myself...

"Oh good, Catherine's here!" I hear Elizabeth say before I actually see her.

"Hi Elizabeth, how's my girl doing this morning?" I ask turning around to see the familiar face.

"The respirologist came in for a quick assessment and gave the all clear for the extubation. She should be back shortly to do it. Sara's more alert since the meds have been tapered a bit, but I think she's still really confused. We had to put restraints on her wrists because she managed to pull out one IV already and seemed to want to extubate herself. Hopefully you'll be able to calm her down a bit more before the procedure." Elizabeth says before giving me a smile.

"I'll do my best. Is it okay if I go in now?" I ask.

"Please do. I'll see you when the doc is ready. But if you need anything before..."

"I'll beep you. Thanks hun." I finish for her.

As I enter the room I see Sara with the bed in a sitting position sluggishly pulling at the wrist restraints.

"No sweetheart, don't pull at those please." I say as I stride into the room.

Although her eyes are open, she still looks groggy. Her movements look exaggerated and heavy.

"Oh Sara, it's so good to see you awake again!" I say leaning over the bed and kissing the side of Sara's head; since she hasn't seemed to notice me yet.

_Catherine?! What the hell is going on here?! I feel like I'm drunk! Everything is foggy and heavy._

She jumps slightly, then tries to lock her unfocused gaze at me. The heart rate monitor picks up the pace and she started to struggle and make a deep strangled noise.

"It's okay Sara! Try and relax babe. That tube down your throat is helping you breathe. It's going to be taken out really soon. Try not to fight it okay." I Say while holding her strapped down hand.

My only response from Sara is a groggy looking frown; although she did stop struggling.

"They have you on some heavy duty medication Sara. So if you're feeling off or confused try not to panic. I know that's easier said than done though." I say rubbing her knee.

Just as I was about to continue a doctor appears with Elizabeth behind her.

"Okay, are you ready for that annoying tube to come out?" the doctor says.

I look to Sara for a response, but she doesn't seem to be paying attention to her.

"Sara sweetheart, the doctor wants to remove the breathing tube now okay hun." I repeat for her as she only seems focused on me.

Both Elizabeth and the doctor share a smile as they prepare their equipment. They fiddle around with the tube and disconnect a few things before turning to me and nodding.

"I'm going to ask you to take a deep breath Sara then blow out as hard as you can when I tell you to." The doctor says.

When we don't get a reply they look over at me.

"You just focus on Catherine Sara and follow our instructions." Elizabeth says before turning to the doctor, "Her oxygen saturation is 98% right now on room air."

"Okay here we go....take a deep breath now Sara." the doctor starts.

They look over to me and I realize they want me to instruct Sara as well. I put my hand up to the side of her face and make sure she's watching me.

"Sara, take a deep breath now." I say; to which she responds.

"Good now exhale really hard." The doctor continues grabbing the tube.

"Breath out really hard Sara...breath out. Keep your eyes on me love." I say starting to get a little nervous now myself.

The next thing I know, the tube is out and Sara starts coughing violently.

"That's good Sara, that's okay. Get an oxygen mask on her please. What's her sats?" the doctor says and Elizabeth immediately responds.

"Deep breaths Sara, your okay babe." I say squeezing her hand really hard.

Sara's breathing slowly returns to normal and I realize I was actually holding my breath too.

"Sats are stable at 97%. Very good Sara. That must feel better eh?" Elizabeth says.

We only get a slight moan in response, but she looks so much better. She squinted her eyes shut and cringed when she swallowed, so she's probably in pain right now. Her eyes still look heavy, but much improved from yesterday.

"Okay Sara, I know that coughing probably hurt your ribs, I'm going to get you something for pain now." Elizabeth says.

"Very good Sara, your lungs sound good so far. The wound still looks like it's healing well. This was definitely a big hurtle you overcame." The doctor says as Sara finally looks over at her.

"Do you remember what happened Sara?" the doctor asks and I instinctively suck in air and hold my breath.

Sara turns back to face me looking confused.

"Do you remember what happened love?" I repeat for her, making myself breathe again.

Poor Sara still looks really doped up and confused. She's fighting really hard to pull her thoughts together. But she doesn't seem too upset, which I'm really thankful for.

Slowly Sara shakes her head no while looking up at me with pleading eyes.

"That's okay Sara, a lot has happened to your body and it's still trying to recover. Plus we have you on medications whose side effects cause confusion and drowsiness. Tomorrow I bet everything will seem much clearer." The doctor explains as Sara slowly turns to face her again.

At least Sara seems to be listening and understanding what's going on. Thank God! Although, why hasn't she tried to speak yet?...

"Okay, here we go Sara. I got something for pain. Unfortunately this will probably make you fall asleep. But we need your body to keep healing right?" Elizabeth says while returning to the room with needle in hand.

Sara just turns to look at me still with her confused pleading eyes. She seems to be trying to read the situation through me.

"It's okay Sara, you're doing so well my love. Everything is going to be okay. I'll be right here with you." I say holding her still strapped down hand as her eyes slowly start to close once more.

Seeing Sara asleep again and probably seeing the worried look wash over my face, Elizabeth puts the used needle in the sharps container and comes around to my side of the bed.

"Sara is doing very well Catherine. Today went perfectly. Why don't you go home and rest now? Sara's going to be sleeping probably the rest of the day. We have to adjust the medications again now so that she'll still have good pain control, but is alert enough for rehab." Elizabeth says while holding my shoulder.

"I'd like to stay if you all don't mind me here. I can't really sleep without her. I'm so happy and thankful she's doing so well, but I can't help but be really worried at the same time." I confess to the kind nurse.

"I know sweetheart, that is perfectly normal. This is still only the beginning of a long recovery. But the fact she's made it this far is a miracle. You are going to need your rest too Catherine to help her through this. Please just don't neglect yourself okay?" Elizabeth says and I turn to give her a hug.

"Thank you so much! I wish you could be her private nurse." I say still holding Elizabeth.

"Well, you know where to find me Catherine if you need anything. Even when you two are on a different unit, if you need to talk I'm still here." She says as I finally let her go.

"Thanks....for everything." I say looking back to make sure Sara is still okay.

"Beep me if you need anything okay? And try to close your eyes and rest yourself Catherine." Elizabeth says as we hear her name being paged again.

"I will." I say as she runs off again.

I adjust the oxygen mask on Sara's face and resume my position on the chair next to her. Maybe I will just close my eyes for a few. I can still hear the heart monitor so I know everything's okay. Now if I can only stop the worried voices in the back of my head.

As I close my eyes and start to drift off into a foggy sleep I thank God for giving me this second chance with Sara. No matter what other obstacles we have in her recovery, I'll be thankful for every day.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews quietmusician, mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23!!! You guys are too kind! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post earlier...I've been going crazy and had no time to write. Thanks for sticking with me. mikkir, you always pickup on my little subtleties...good eye. As a nurse I'm all too familiar with how erratic and unique recoveries can be, so I'm playing with that a bit in this story. I never really planned on writing these kind of stories; but this is so fun, you never know... I may try a sequel if I can think of another plot or maybe even try for a new one if something inspires me. This is cool, I'm learning and getting more used to the style as I go. Thanks so much for reading everyone! Take care!**

_What the hell is going on?! I feel like I've been hit by a bus then sat on by an elephant! Shit my chest hurts!_

_Okay, think...you name is Sara Sidle...you work as a CSI in Las Vegas...your lying down in bed...what's your last memory?_

_Well, I can move my fingers and my toes...let's try opening the eyes then..._

_Holy shit that's bright! Crap!_

_Okay...I'm in a hospital..._

I try to look around to take in my surroundings. I'm trying not to panic, but to piece together what I see to figure out what's going on.

_Well, I have an IV hooked up to my left arm and a cardiac monitor with all those wires and probes stuck to my chest. Let's just remove this oxygen mask because it's annoying my face..._

_I seem to be able to move everything...but breathing kind of hurts...my chest doesn't feel great._

_I remember Catherine being here...making me feel better...and my throat felt like something was stuck in it..._

_Shit! I was intubated! And Catherine was with me when they removed it!_

I instinctively bring my hand up to my throat and feel around.

_Nothing feels cut or out of place thank God. So what happened to me that I needed to be intubated? It must have been serious! I wonder how long I was out of it. I remember Catherine looking so worried, yet strong. God, I hope she's okay! I love her so much!_

_I remember hearing her voice in a dream whenever I started to feel scared...all my memories are fuzzy...I'm not sure what's real and what is a dream._

_I wish Catherine was here right now...I'm not even sure where here is! I'm assuming it's Desert Palms._

_God, my throat hurts...I could really use a drink. _

_I'm trying really hard to remain calm and to try to logically piece together what's happening. But my memory is so foggy and disjointed, nothing is making sense!_

"Welcome back to the land of the living Sara!" A young woman who appears to be a nurse says. She looks familiar...

"It's so good to see you sitting up and awake! I'm your nurse Elizabeth, you're at Desert Palms Hospital in the ICU. I'm going to give you a few sips of water to help your throat, but only small sips okay Sara?" The young nurse says. I still can't place her face, but I swear I've seen her before. Since my mind is running a mile a minute I only nod in response as she approaches me with the glass.

_God, even though it was only a few sips, water feels so good right now. It feels like I swallowed burning paper._

"Sara, do you remember anything that happened to you?" The nurse asks taking the glass away.

"nnnnn" _What the hell was that?! 'No I don't remember anything.' Why can't I say that?!_

I reach up and put my hand over my mouth. I'm opening my mouth to speak but no words are coming out. I gaze up at the nurse for help.

"It's okay Sara, try not to panic! You're on several medications right now, this could be a side effect. Can you understand what I'm saying sweetheart?" She asks placing her hand on my arm.

Too terrified to try speaking again I just nod my head in reply.

"Okay good. I can only imagine how scary and confusing this all may be, but please try not to panic. We'll figure everything out. Catherine should be here shortly too okay? Plus the doctor will come soon and probably order more tests to figure out what's going on." The nurse says in an attempt to calm me down.

I'm starting to shake with fear and uncertainty. This is all like a bad nightmare.

_I am so confused! The only memories I have a blurred and dreamlike. I'm not even sure if they are real. It's more like feelings and emotions...and a few voices. But I still can't remember what happened to me to bring me here...and why my chest hurts so much and why can't I seem to form words! Great, here comes the panic again..._

"It's okay Sara. You're doing so well sweetheart. You were critically injured. It's a miracle you're even awake. You were shot point blank in the chest Sara." The familiar looking nurse says while rubbing my arm.

"ssss" _Shit! What the hell was that?! Say 'shot?' ...what the hell!_

"It's okay Sara, try and relax. Panic will only make you feel worse dear. We will work things out." The nurse says as my breathing starts to pick up pace.

_I was shot! Well, that does explain a few things...shot...is there something else I should remember...shot...come on brain!_

"Sara!"

"Hey Sara look, Catherine is here!" the nurse says for me as I stare over at my love.

_Hang on, I think I'm starting to remember something. Come on, grab onto it and focus! Something with shot...and Catherine...._

"Hi Sara! You look great my love!" Catherine says by the door putting her bag down.

_Hearing her voice is helping me target in on a memory...I can almost feel it...come on Sara concentrate...I can almost hear something..._

"Catherine, may I talk to you for a minute please?" Elizabeth says to Catherine by the door.

_Yeah, you two have a chat and give me a second...I almost have something here..._

"Sara's looking much more awake and alert right now. Her lungs, heart and blood pressure look strong. But she seems to be having trouble speaking. I was just talking to her and she seems to be understanding everything, but she can't form words. I'm going to page the neurologist to come see her. It may be a side effect from the medications still, but it may possibly be as a result of damage. Try to keep her calm, and I don't want to worry you as well, but I am a little concerned. She doesn't seem to remember what happened too..."

_I was upset with Catherine...why?...I think I moved back to my apartment..._

"So she doesn't remember what happened with Lindsay..."

_Lindsay...I was upset about Lindsay...what happened..._

"Just stay with her and comfort her...you always have been a calming presence with Sara. She may start to remember things soon. So it's really important that we keep her as calm as possible..."

_Lindsay...Linds called in a panic...she was being held captive...oh my God! No please God! Don't let it be true!_

"Just give me a minute to...Sara? Are you okay sweetheart? You're heart rate is picking up too fast. Sara?..."

_NO!!!!_

I look over at my love and see her with wild panicked eyes trying to sit up. Before either one of us can even react, Sara rips out the IV and tries to fight her way out of bed.

Total chaos fills the room as more people come running in to subdue Sara. I run over to her side and try to hold her arms. Blood is seeping out her arm where she ripped out the IV and blood is dripping down the discarded tube on the floor. Tears are streaming down her face and she is in a full blown panic. God, she must remember now.

"Please Sara stop! Please stop! It's okay! You're okay! Please relax!" I scream above all the noise.

A nurse runs in with a needle and injects Sara. She's still fighting us and crying. As she finally starts to settle and lose the battle against the sedative, something catches my eye.

Red....dark red....seeping across the front of her gown.

Before I can say something about her quickly becoming blood covered chest, a doctor and the nurses start shouting orders at each other and the rush Sara out of the room.

Oh my God! What just happened! One second I was beyond happy to see Sara up and alert, the next everything is in chaos and she's in trouble again.

Please God help me!


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the amazing reviews mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23!!! You have no idea how happy you all made me :) Mikkir, you're spoiling me, you are too kind :) I'm sorry this one was a little late, I may not be able to get one out tomorrow as well. I actually just finished this one five minutes ago. Life and work are killing me again....there just aren't enough hours in the day. Thank you all so much for sticking with me! I wish everyone good luck with your own work/life/school situations. Take care.**

Yesterday was a bad day. I got up bright and early to go see Sara and was feeling great because she was extubated and seemingly doing well. When I got in, things were still looking good. She looked bright and alert, slightly propped up in bed with the oxygen mask in her hand and Elizabeth talking to her.

Except for the IV and the heart monitor, most of the tubes and wires were gone. I was so proud.

Then Elizabeth came to talk to me and was mentioning that Sara seemed to be having trouble speaking but seemed to understand what was being said. That sent a wave of fear through me, but it was reasonable. I know she still has quite a recovery ahead of her, and I know we will overcome it together; no matter what the result.

But then all hell broke loose.

As it turns out, in her blind panic, Sara managed to rip out the IV and tear several stitches in her chest.

They took her for several tests to see what damage had been done. I'm still waiting on the results of the head scans, but luckily the damage to her arm was minimal and they were able to repair the surgical wound without too much blood loss. They did have to put her under the knife again though. Her lungs still look good, minus the fact she's missing part of her right lower lobe, and the wound doesn't seem infected.

Sara on the other hand, I'm not so sure of. The best I can guess is she was beginning to remember everything; with Lindsay's shooting and her own.

They have her pretty sedated right now and have wrist restraints on both arms. She's awake, but not really responsive...she looks really doped up again. Even though her eyes are open, I'm not sure she even sees me. Whatever high they have her on, I wouldn't mind some right about now.

So I'm just going to sit here and help her fight her demons when they return. This is going to be hard I know. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss of my daughter myself...but I was so bad to her about this before...I'm not going to make that mistake again.

"Good afternoon. I'm one of Sara's neurologists, I was looking over the results from yesterday's scans." The middle-aged doctor says as he sweeps into the room.

"Hi, I'm Catherine Willows." I say politely shaking his hand as Sara remains lost in her own world.

"There is an area of concern on the scan of her brain in the area responsible for speech. I was told yesterday as well that Sara was understanding what was being said, but was having difficulty forming words. I'm going to ask the speech and language pathologist to come and see Sara for an assessment." He says in a calm voice.

"So in your opinion, do you think there has been permanent brain damage? I ask in a small voice.

"It's still far too early to tell, but given the result of the scan and that she was having difficulty yesterday, I do believe she has experienced some damage. She was without vital signs for a prolonged period of time and experienced great blood loss, so this is not unexpected. Also the seizures she was experiencing is a warning sign of damage. But remember she is a strong young woman, so she has great potential for recovery." He says as my hands begin to shake.

"What about what happened yesterday? Was that related at all?" I ask looking at her lost face.

" What happened yesterday sounds more anxiety related, but we will have to continue to monitor her closely. I don't think physically, what happened yesterday will be too much of a set back since it appears no permanent damage was done. However psychologically, this is a greater concern. Depression is not uncommon with these type of neurological events." He says looking down at his notes.

"Thank you very much." I say past my dry throat as I extend my shaking hand.

As he leaves I'm left in the awkward silence pondering what to do next.

I lean over and kiss the side of Sara's face as a slow tear makes its way down one side of her face.

"It's okay Sara, we will get through this. You and I together, as well as the rest of the team, we'll be okay." I say fighting back tears myself.

I wish to God I knew what's going through her head right now. She's obviously drugged up, but I know there's more going on.

I don't know what scares me more, the prospect of the damage done to her brain, or the uncertainty of what caused her outburst yesterday.

Does she remember what happened to her? Is she scared about Todd coming back to get her? Does she remember Lindsay's death? Does she hate me for the way I treated her?

God, I think I'm going to need a sedative soon!

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted as Sara starts to shift against the restraints and blink her eyes rapidly.

"Hey Sara, your okay sweetheart. I'm here with you my love. It's the medication making you feel drowsy." I say as she struggles to overcome the effects of the drugs.

At least she doesn't appear to be in pain. Although, I'm going to hit the call bell for a nurse just in case. I don't really feel confident anymore that I can calm Sara down myself...given yesterdays reaction.

Sara shakes her head then jumps slightly and pulls against the restraint. She's definitely more alert now.

"It's okay Sara, please don't pull at that. Please don't fight or panic. I'm here with you. Everything is going to be okay." I say almost to calm myself down too. I think my heart is picking up pace just as much as Sara's.

"Lllll..." Sara utters then squints her eyes shut and shakes her head. She's defiantly panicking now.

"It's okay Sara..." I start to say as she cuts me off by snapping open her eyes and turning toward me.

Even without words I know what she's trying to say. I can read it all over her face. She remembers everything...she just wants confirmation the memories are real. This instant, she looks completely with it, and the horror and fear on her face breaks my heart and sends my stomach to my feet.

I'm afraid to speak so I just nod my head to complete our silent conversation.

As the nurse walks in Sara breaks into tears and turns her head away from me.

"Can we remove the restraints please? I need to hold her. She remembers what happened." I say to the nurse while moving closer to Sara. I'm hoping beyond hope she won't hurt herself again when they are undone. But I have to let her mourn, and we can't do that with hers hands strapped down by her waist.

As the nurse goes to the other side of the bed to undo her wrist, I gently put both of my hands on her head and turn her face toward me.

She's sobbing uncontrollably now and shaking with each staggered breath.

"Sara, look at me! This is not your fault! Lindsay's murder was not your fault! Look at me!" I say as my own voice begins to crack.

Even though I'm holding her face, she's not making eye contact with me. As the nurse finishes releasing her hands, Sara slowly brings them up and shakily covers her face.

Still holding Sara, I turn to the nurse. "If you think she is in danger at all medically, please do what you need to do. But as hard as this is, I need her to get this out."

The nurse simply nods and steps away in respect for our privacy, while still monitoring her vitals on the screen.

Seeing my love fall apart with grief, I gently sit on the side of the bed and guide her head on my shoulder. I'm terrified I'm going to hurt her ribs or surgical wound, but the way she's heaving and sobbing, she may do more damage herself if I do nothing.

So I nervously sit and hold Sara as she grieves. Even though she is having trouble forming words, her screams of sorrow are piercingly clear; and my heart breaks all over again.


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much mikkir, Kirky123, Chhi. and SJ-23 for the reviews again :) I know what you mean about being busy...I barely have time to write anymore... practically this whole thing was written on various subway rides to and from work. Thank you all for sticking with me...I'm still in shock the story keeps going on this long, I thought I would be finished this by now...my brain just wants to keep on going...I'll just keep rolling with the punches I guess :) Thanks again and take care everyone!**

Everyone keeps telling me I need to sleep more and rest, but I can't rest when I'm not with Sara. I'm lying here in bed worrying about what she's feeling or thinking.

Grissom and Greg are at the hospital with her now. She's still in the ICU, but I think she'll be moved to a different unit tomorrow.

I can't believe it's been this long already...but then again, sometimes it feels like just yesterday. Sara's been through so much, it feels like we are trapped on an emotional rollercoaster.

Sara has spent the better part of the last few days in a deep depressive sorrow. After her initial outburst four days ago that sent her back to the operating room, she's been closely monitored in the ICU. Her body seems to be healing well, but her mind and spirit are deteriorating.

She's not hysterically upset where she needs the restraints anymore, now she's drawing inward and internalizing her sorrow. I think this may be even worse.

She barely interacts with us, although I know she hears and understands us. She'll pull away from contact if you try to touch or comfort her and she hardly makes eye contact with anyone.

Not to mention the fact she's still non-verbal. The speech and language pathologist came for an initial assessment the other day, but when she moves to the new ward I think they will have the first meeting. I really want to be there for that.

That's why the guys are with her this morning, because they wanted me to sleep in and rest before the big day...pity I can't do either.

I can't get my mind off Sara. I know she's suffered from depression on and off throughout her life, so it scares me to see it coming back. And the worst is I can't even get her to talk about it with me. I'm not even sure what's bothering her the most.

I know she remembers Lindsay's murder. Then there's the fact that I shut her out and made her feel responsible for our tragedy. Then she confronted Todd about the truth and was horribly injured. And now she's facing a world where she cannot speak.

Any one of those could send you spiraling into the depths of depression...but to have all of them at once...and not be able to talk and share your burden with others...this is why I can't sleep.

I don't know what to do either. When she sees me she starts to tear up. I have to force her to make eye contact with me. Although she is doing a bit better in that regard.

Yesterday when I went in, I pulled up a chair and as hard as it was, I laid my heart on the table. I told her exactly how I feel and how none of this is her fault. I begged her for forgiveness for the way I treated her and thanked her for coming back to me. I told her what I knew about what happened and how much she has already overcome.

I cried, she cried and I tried to comfort her. I promised her that we would get through this together no matter how long it takes and I pledged my life to her. But none of this matters until she forgives herself...I fear so much that she's torturing herself. Even after our talk she was still so withdrawn. I wish I knew what was going through her mind.

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Hello!" I say scrambling with shaky hands to the phone.

"Sorry to disturb you Catherine, it's Grissom. I just wanted to let you know they are moving Sara to the step down unit. You don't need to come now, but I just wanted you to know we'll be on a different floor. Sara is doing okay, Greg is with her now. She's still not really engaging us though, but health wise she's improving." Grissom says with a sigh.

"Thanks Gill, I'm going to get ready and head over." I say shifting the phone to my other shoulder and looking at the clock.

"You really should be resting Catherine. We have everything under control here." Grissom says in a worried voice.

"It's okay Gill, I know you do. I just can't rest without Sara. She helps me more than I help her actually." I say rubbing my eyes.

"Okay Catherine, just make sure you're taking care of yourself. We are all worried about you. Let us help you...we are all here for you." Grissom continues in his protective worried voice.

"I know Gill, thank you so much! All of you are helping more than you know. I'll see you soon okay?" I reply sitting myself up in bed.

"Okay dear, I'll see you soon. Be careful getting here." Gill says softly.

We say our goodbyes and I slowly climb my way out of bed. Maybe the new room will give her a fresh start. Although we have a lot of flowers and cards to move. Plus I am going to miss the ICU staff.

I hope she's in better spirits today. It's killing me to see her depressed. I can only imagine how scary it must be to not be able to speak. That your mind knows what it wants to do, but your body doesn't respond.

As I enter the new step down unit I'm greeted by Greg and Grissom by the nursing station. We all hug and say our hellos before Greg tells me a nurse is with Sara now and the SLP (speech and language pathologist) should be in shortly. Poor Greg looks ten years older now.

"Did she try to communicate with you two at all?" I ask as we wait to be let back in Sara's room.

"No, at first she wouldn't even look at us. But Greg finally got a half smile out of her by the end." Grissom says while trying to smile at Greg.

"I don't know what to do or say Cath, it's so strange seeing her so down like that." Greg says while kicking something on the floor.

"I know, I'm not really sure what to do myself. I still can't believe how close we came to losing her...but now I'm afraid I'm losing her in a completely different way." I admit to my extended family.

"You'll never lose her Cath, she'll find her way back to you. We'll find a way to communicate with her, we'll work something out. I can teach her some sign language maybe..." Grissom says while putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Hi, I'm looking for the family of Sara Sidle." A very young short nurse says behind us.

"That's us." I say simply. I miss the ICU staff already. We knew all of them and they knew all of us. I really don't feel like explaining everything again.

"Okay, she's all ready for you guys. I'll meet you all in there when the SLP comes." She says then walks away.

"Cath, I better get Greg and I to work. Jim says he wanted to see me about something before shift starts. Nick and Warrick should be in later in the evening too." Grissom says before I give him and Greg a goodbye hug.

"Thanks guys, have a good shift. Send our love to everyone there." I say as we part.

I'm not even sure where her room is. I probably should have asked them before they left. Well, I don't want to look stupid walking back to the nursing station...I'll just look for her name...ah, here we go 603 Sidle.

As I quietly walk in the room I see Sara propped up in bed reading a forensics magazine. Oh Gill, couldn't you have given her happier reading material...

"Hi Sara, how are you feeling babe?" I say making my presence known.

She jumps slightly then looks away again. I thought we got over this avoidance yesterday. Maybe she does still resent me for how I treated her before.

"Sara, please look at me sweetheart. I'm so sorry for everything I did to you before. Please don't hate me." I say before I can think.

As soon as I said the word 'hate' her head snapped up to look at me and she started shaking her head 'no' and a big lone tear began to form in her eye before it spilled over.

As sad as she looked, her reaction sent a shock of excitement coursing through my body. She doesn't hate me!

"I love you so much Sara! So, so much!" I say starting to cry myself.

"We'll get through this babe, I promise. But you have to understand, none of this was your fault! You have nothing to feel bad about." I say losing the battle against the tears and they break forth.

She covers her face and quietly continues to cry. I put the bedrail down on the bed and sit next to her on the mattress.

"Does your chest or ribs hurt love?" I ask still afraid of aggravating her injuries.

She shakes her head no again while sobbing and I wrap my arms around her. We sit like this, crying together again until the tears finally start to slow on their own. I'm going to have to ask her doctor about depression medication. She was on something years ago.

I'm so glad she's somewhat letting me in. This is better than I thought she would be.

As we sit together in silence and I comb Sara's hair, the young nurse returns with who I assume is the SLP.

"Hi Sara, I'm Kay the speech and language pathologist. I would like to run a few tests by you if you don't mind." She says taking a stool and pulling it up to the bed.

Sara looks at me and shakes her head no.

"Sara, she will help you sweetheart. We need to know what is going on so we can find a good way for you to communicate and get your speech back." I say rubbing her arm.

"Sara, can you try to speak with your voice please? Can you say 'No' instead of shaking your head?" The SLP asks in a kind voice.

Sara looks her straight in the eye and shakes her head once more.

"The notes indicate that your comprehension is fine, maybe I'll get the OT to follow up with you as well. Do you understand what I am saying?" The SLP repeats in a slow exaggerated tone pausing slightly after each word.

Sara just looks at me, then at the young nurse standing beside me, then glares back at the SLP.

"Can you use your voice to say 'No' Sara?" The SLP continues in the same, almost demeaning voice.

In response, Sara looks straight in the SLP's eyes with an intensity I haven't seen from her in a long time. After a few seconds of pause...and with the tension rising in the room...Sara breaks the stalemate by lifting her hand and clinching it into a fist save for one finger.

Sara then flashes the SLP one of her patent smirks and leaves the poor speechless woman with Sara's middle finger in her face.

The nurse beside me chuckles and I just sigh and drop my head.

...this is going to be a long session...


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the kind reviews mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23,Harley Quinn Davidson, DustyMonkey and GSRCSILVR25!!! I'm sorry this one is late....and short...and that the next one may be late too...Not only is life and work kicking me around...my immune system decided to fall down on the job. Thanks for sticking with me everyone. I would love to get this story rolling a bit faster again...I don't want to get stagnant... or jump around too much....but at the same time I would like to end the story before I mess it up :) I hope it's still interesting. Thanks so much again everyone. Take care!**

I thought being a CSI was tough...but let me tell you, what that poor SLP went through the other day was just not cool. Sara was brutal to that poor lady. It was a long session for sure. Sara can be really stubborn when she wants to be.

It took a lot of time and a bribe of coffee from me to get her to cooperate. I just hope to God the nurse lets me bring her a coffee or I'm dead!

The IV was discontinued a couple of days ago and they did allow her sips of water and some soft food. They were cautious at first to make sure her throat wasn't damaged from the intubation...and that she could swallow safely. Thank God there was no problem there...Sara's already becoming difficult to handle...her defiant stubbornness is back full force.

She's at physiotherapy right now on that automatic bike thing to get her muscles moving again so we can work on standing and walking soon. They just don't want her moving or straining too much until the wound has a little more time to heal and we're confident her lungs are strong enough. But I know Sara's hating the wheelchair thing! Now that they're letting her do physio she gets up early and wants to spend her whole day in the rehab room; the physio team already loves her. I love that she's showing her classic drive to succeed again, I just wish she was that enthusiastic with the SLP as well.

The overall consensus now is that she does have some minor brain damage and that is what's causing her speech problems. But they say the damage doesn't look too severe so the potential for recovery is there. They keep telling me how lucky she is that her ability to comprehend language wasn't effected as well, that it seems it's only the act of speaking that is gone.

For the time being, the SLP is working on alternate means for communication while we work on the speaking. She's going to work on different exercises and routines to help with her recovery. Gill's idea of trying sign language doesn't seem too bad actually. Although, I would like to see her try using her voice more; she seems almost embarrassed to even try, especially in front of me.

I know being in a hospital is driving her nuts, but to be honest I think I'm too nervous to take her home yet. The image of her lifeless in the ER is still too fresh in my mind.

At least now I can rest a bit easier though. She has come a long way...I feel for the first time weeks that I can actually breath again. I've been sitting on pins and needles for so long when things were touch and go...I know my nerves are being taxed.

Grissom and Jim are on their way in. They said there was something important they wanted to discuss with us. I'm really worried that they wouldn't tell me on the phone. But I haven't mentioned anything to Sara yet.

"Sara!"

I hear someone calling her down the hall. I pick myself up from my position lying on her bed and poke my head out the door.

I'm greeted by the blurry image of my love speeding her wheelchair right by me down the hall away from the SLP. She's moving so fast I more so catch the image of her hair blowing in the wind past me.

What does she have against this poor lady! I hope she doesn't crash!

The poor SLP jogs over to me and gives me a pleading look. What makes her think I'm going to have any luck. I guess I'll go get her. She got used to the wheelchair quickly...she's really zooming around.

I can't help but chuckle though. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without her.

I jog down to the end of the hall just as Sara bumps into the housekeeping cart as she makes a sharp turn. She looks up at the housekeeping lady and me and makes the sign for 'sorry'.

"Sara, can u try to use your voice please? Don't be ashamed love, just give it a try." I ask and the woman beside me gives her an assuring nod.

Sara looks up at me and her face begins to flush as she shakes her head 'no'. I think she is embarrassed.

"I don't care if it sounds like a mumble, nobody is judging you or going to make fun of you love." I say in a calm reassuring voice.

Sara just hangs her head in shame and sadly shakes her head 'no' again. The look on her face breaks my heart.

"That's okay Sara, maybe next time okay." I say feeling bad that maybe I pushed her too far.

Sara just sadly looks up at the lady again and repeats the sign for 'sorry' then slowly wheels herself back toward the room.

God, my heart is breaking all over again. We really have to have a talk about this. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that in front of the housekeeping lady....she's obviously depressed...

I follow Sara into her room and wave off the SLP. Now is definitely not the right time for a session.

When we get into the room I turn Sara's chair to face me and pull up my own chair.

"I'm sorry love. I didn't mean to upset you. The speaking will come, I know your working on it. But please don't get depressed over it. No matter what I love you and we'll get through this together okay." I say softly as Sara looks down at her lap and her folded hands.

"We need to talk though love. I need to know what's going through your mind. Do you want to try writing or..."

"Hi Sara, Catherine! I'm sorry, are we interrupting?" Brass says as he and Grissom walk through the door.

Yes you are...I need to get Sara to talk with me...but maybe a little distraction is good...

"It's okay. How are you guys?" I say as Sara slowly looks up at the guys.

Jim hugs Sara and gives her a kiss on the cheek and seemly talks to her with his eyes. Poor Jim, this has been so hard on him...I got him to go to my psychiatrist to talk about the shooting and finding Sara. Grissom then makes his way to Sara and changes places with Jim as Jim grabs a couple chairs to join our circle.

"I hate to have to bring this up, but I don't want to keep information from you two." Jim starts as both Sara and I jerk our heads up.

"We found Todd. Neighbor called it in. He was found dead in a cheap motel off the strip yesterday...probably dead a good few days. COD looks like sepsis from the gunshot wound to his thigh. He didn't get it treated and he lost a lot of blood. Then it got infected and the infection went into his bloodstream...I'm really sorry. But at least his little black heart isn't beating anymore." Jim says with a snarl at the end.

...so much for a good distraction...

Sara starts to tear up and looks down again, and I sit with my mouth open for a good few seconds before grabbing tissues and handing them to Sara.

"So that's it?" I ask still trying to regain my composure.

"Sometimes there is no satisfying explanation or real justice..." Grissom starts. Now isn't the time of one of his riddle haiku things; so I cut him off.

"After everything...with both the shootings...it ends with him not seeking medical help and quietly dying alone in a dingy motel?!" I pretty much yell at the guys as Sara quietly sobs.

"I'm sorry...I just...I don't know...it all just seems so, so..." I start to say.

"Mmmm-meaning-gg-less-sss". Sara utters with her head still down and a new tear making it's slow decent down her face.


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Once again, thank you so much for the kind reviews mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23, and GSRCSILVR25!!! You guys are the best! I always look forward to seeing your reviews! SJ-23 ask and you shall receive...I was planning something a little different for this chap but I think your right, we need to hear from Sara....so here you go. mikkir I hope you're feeling better....this cold is still kicking my ass! So if my writing doesn't make sense, I blame the cold meds! Sorry I'm not able to get these out daily anymore....that's still my goal but it's just not working...especially with this damn cold. Thanks again everyone for the reviews and for reading. And for my fellow Canadians, I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving! Take care everyone!**

As I stand at the doorway of the rehab room, I can't help but be awestruck at the recent turn of events in our lives.

Sara has been through so much, and I know there is still a long way to go in her recovery. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for her.

She's still experiencing weakness in her arms and legs, but continues to improve every day.

The speech therapy is hit and miss though, I know she hates it and is literally frustrated beyond words. At least she's participating now though.

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_You have got to be kidding me! I can't speak, that doesn't mean I've reverted to a 2 year old!_

"Okay Sara, 'A' for 'apple'....'A'." The SLP says while pointing at a flash card.

_Hey lady, you like this shit so much, I got one for you...it starts with 'f' and rhymes with duck..._

"Can you say 'A' Sara?" the SLP continues oblivious to the death glare I'm sending her way. I just roll my eyes at her.

"Come on Sara, 'A' for apple."

_Oooh, I have another 'A' word for you! Oh come on Sara...this is a perfect opportunity...say 'asshole'....come on...make yourself say 'asshole"....stupid brain!_

"aaaa" _Shit that's not it! Say 'asshole'._

"Almost there Sara. Let's try 'B' for 'bat'." The SLP continues oblivious to my attempt to swear at her once more.

_I've had enough of this bullshit! I can't even get myself to say a simple word! _

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I have been trying not to intervene, but Sara seems very agitated. I know the poor lady means well, but Sara doesn't respond well to being talked down to.

Just as I was about to step in the room and say something, I see Sara grab the communication tool and throw it across the room, along with the cue cards.

The SLP jumps back away from Sara and I run over to intervene.

"I'm so sorry, she didn't mean that! Sara's not a violent person." I say putting myself between Sara and the startled looking SLP.

Sara looks beyond pissed right now. I gotta get her out of here. I reach down to hold her arm but she wrenches it out of my grip and wheels herself away.

I have half a mind to follow her, but I think the SLP could use some calming down right now. Plus when Sara gets frustrated like this it's best to let her calm down before trying to butt heads.

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_Who the hell do they think they are! I'm not a child! I know the Goddamn alphabet! 'A' is for apple my ass! _

I wheel myself into my hospital room and purposely knock into the side table causing the magazines to fall off.

_Shit! I can't believe this is happening! Maybe this is my punishment...to survive and not be able to talk again...to be trapped in my own mind. That is a fate worse than death...I can torture myself better than anyone else can...I've had a lifetime of practice._

As my brain continues to spin with blame and pity I bang my chair into the tiny drawer table next to my bed and knock over an envelope.

_Shit! Goddamn chair! I can't even do this right! I've had it! Whether I deserve this or not, I don't think I can do this! Oh Lindsay, I'm so sorry...I don't know what to do!_

I try to calm myself down and take deep breaths as the pain in my chest starts to raise its ugly head.

_Calm yourself down Sara, if your wound reopens its back to step one...you want to get out of here..._

I put my hand on my chest and will myself to calm down and the pain to subside. When I'm confident my chest is no longer going to rip in two I glance down and look at the envelope I knocked down.

As I reach down to pick it up the paper slides out enough for me to see a name...Todd...this is the report of his death...Brass left it here.

As if the paper itself burned me, I throw the envelope on the floor and wheel my chair back away from it until the back of my chair hits the windowsill.

_Shit! No! No, you're calming yourself down..._

I close my eyes and shake my head to try to shake away all the thoughts and memories that are attacking me.

_I can't believe the dumb bastard died that way! I thought he would go down in a big showdown. Everything he put us through was so dramatic...and now it all ends as he fades away..._

_It's not fair! He got away easy! Now I'm stuck suffering in my own Hell..._

_When I finally started remembering things and able to think clearly, I wondered if they had caught Todd. I figured there was some sort of big shootout before he was taken into custody and sentenced to life in prison. I hoped the other prisoners would beat him like the scum he was...even prisoners have a code, they punish those who hurt or kill children. Then after many years of suffering and torment and thinking about having his life taken away, the bastard would finally be put to death._

_But no. He probably just fell asleep...before his body gave in to the infection. He probably had a seemingly peaceful death...it's not fair! While I sit here in this chair and can't even say 'A' for fucking apple!_

Instinctively I grab the first thing I can reach and throw it across the room. Tears burn my eyes and pain shoots up my chest.

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"So please understand where Sara is coming from. She's an independent, intelligent CSI and now she's..."

My conversation with the SLP is cut short when the shrill sound of something breaking echoes down the hall.

Somehow I know it's Sara. Sara's in trouble.

I take off toward her room as a few nurses gather around Sara's door.

The sight of Sara sobbing in the corner of her room with magazines, an envelope and broken flower pot strewn across her room breaks my heart into more shards than the flower pot.

"She's okay, let me handle it please. If I need help I'll hit the call bell. But please let me try alone first." I say breathlessly to the gathering nurses.

The last thing she needs right now is an audience. My poor, poor love.

They step back in silent agreement and I run into the room and gather Sara in my arms.

I don't say a word at first, I let her release her frustration. She screams and sobs with her hand covering her face while I crouch down to her level and encourage her to breathe and make sure she's not putting too much strain on her wound.

Finally she removes her hands from her face and throws her arms around me and holds me as if her life depended on it.

I mumble encouragements and words of love into her ear and kiss the side of her head as she continues to release what has been plaguing her for too long.

This is a first step. We still have many demons to slay, but we will do so together. We will get through this.


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Another huge thank you to mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23, and GSRCSILVR25 for the very kind reviews!!! I'm still as sick as a dog and now being medicated...which adds to the dopiness and frustration....damn! I've also run into something new I hadn't experienced before while writing this...writers block! I don't know if it's because I'm not feeling well or what, but I had the hardest time thinking of what to write. I know how I want to end this and a couple side things along the way...but I found myself plain stuck. So I apologize if this chap sucks...I'm not 100% satisfied myself. I hope this goes away soon so I can complete this story the way I want without ruining it. Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks again for the great reviews and for reading! take care!**

As I stand in the hallway waiting for the nurse to finish with Sara I realize something. It's been over 4 months since Sara was shot! Despite my best efforts, I still haven't had a good sleep since then. I have taken a leave of absence from work so that I can be with Sara as much as I can and so that I can take care of her when she's discharged. The word is she should be discharged home next week, then have follow-up therapy sessions three times a week with SLP plus a home visit nurse twice a week. Nothing against the SLP we saw here, but Sara's going to be referred to a different person upon discharge.

She's actually improved miraculously. She's able to stand and walk for short periods of time, but it's best she does so supervised.

She has a follow-up in a few weeks to have some stitches removed, but they all say the wound is healing extremely well. The nurse will come in to do the dressing change on her chest until it's deemed healed and easy enough for us to do it ourselves.

The speech therapy is going well, she's not fighting it as much...or throwing objects at anyone...but she still doesn't have much speech back. It takes her a lot of time and energy to form the proper words, so normally she will use sign language. We have both learned a lot of sign language...plus a few other communication devices means we can communicate quite well together. They all can't get over how fast she learns new things...they don't know Sara, she's so smart and determined.

They say she may not ever be able to talk the way she used to, but I don't mind at all. I have my girl back, that's all that matters. Plus I personally think she's holding back...perhaps fear, embarrassment or frustration...I don't mind that she sounds slurred and stuttered.

The nurse Elizabeth from the ICU wants to meet us later in the hospital cafeteria for a bite and a chat. She still keeps in contact with Sara and checks up on her from time to time.

Elizabeth can't believe how well Sara is doing. She told me before privately that given the severity of her injuries she didn't expect Sara to make it, and if she did she thought Sara would be in a vegetative state. Talking with her reminds me how lucky and Blessed I am to have Sara and to appreciate every minute.

Having seen how well Sara is doing, Elizabeth thinks she will get more of her normal speech back. Although she is more worried about the depression; as am I. When we get home in a more comfortable environment I'm going to have to work with her.

I know I'm responsible for most of it anyway...I can see the way she looks at me...the hurt is still there.

My thoughts are interrupted by the nurse allowing me to come in the room as she finishes supervising Sara as she transfers herself from the bed to the wheelchair for our trip down to the cafeteria.

She's lost so much weight...it's so noticeable when she's standing. I'll have to work on that when we get home too. I'll buy a good vegetarian cookbook and feed her like a queen. When all else fails, there still is food.

The trip to the cafeteria is made in silence. I think we are both lost in our thoughts.

"Hello ladies! How are both of you doing? You both look great!" Elizabeth says while standing up to greet us.

"Hi Elizabeth, thank you! How's this place treating you?" I ask as we go through the polite question asking phase. Sara silently smiles and struggles to make eye contact with the familiar nurse.

After all minor polite questions have been asked, Elizabeth sighs then smiles over at Sara.

"Sara, you look amazing! You are one strong woman. As a nurse I can honestly say your recovery has been miraculous. I'm sure you've been told what happened and are probably sick of hearing it now but wow!" Elizabeth says while patting Sara's knee.

I'm surprised that Sara doesn't withdraw from the contact. She just sadly smiles.

"After everything you have already overcome, I'm sure you'll get more of your speech back dear. These things can just take a long, long time...but never give up hope Sara!" Elizabeth says smiling.

We continue our reminiscing and talking for a good half hour until Elizabeth's watch beeps indicating the end of her break. We say our goodbyes and promise to come visit after Sara is discharged.

Just as we got ready to leave Sara signs 'thank you' to Elizabeth before frowning in concentration.

"Ttthhhank yyyou." Sara says slowly slurred with a look of concentration and determination.

Tears prick Elizabeth's eyes and then mine in response as Sara holds out her hand for Elizabeth to grasp.

"It was an honor Sara. It's seeing love and determination like the both of you that keep me going after a tough shift. Thank you for renewing my faith in love conquering all." Elizabeth says grasping Sara's hand in a firm handshake.

After getting back to Sara's room and getting her changed and into bed I kiss her head and step out to make a few calls. I'm so proud of Sara, I'm so Blessed to have her in my life.

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_I wonder if everyone would still be so loving and complimentary if they knew the truth._

_I'm a stupid piece of shit...I brought this on myself thanks to my short comings._

_Catherine is being so kind and understanding out of a misplaced sense of guilt. She feels bad for me almost dying...but that doesn't change the fact that before my being shot , the very sight of me caused her pain._

_I moved back into my apartment because when she saw me, she saw the face of the woman that caused her daughter to die._

_Now, because I couldn't even die right I'm stuck with brain damage and can't speak._

_I wish I had just died! I don't care if I'm overreacting or pitying myself right now...I'm going to be selfish! _

_There is no justice in the world anyway! Todd caused so much pain to so many people and he's peacefully dead now!_

_Shit!...okay Sara calm down...that was your little frustrated rant...now get back to reality..._

I sigh and run my hand over my face. I really don't know what I mean or don't mean at this point...I'm just tired. And to be honest, the prospect of going home scares me. It's bringing back old skeletons that have been pushed aside for too long.

_Oh Lindsay, if you can hear me up there...I could really use a hand right now. I'm scared and frustrated...and just don't know what to do..._

_If anyone up there is listening...please help me!_

A silent tear makes its way down my face and I angrily wipe it off.

_I don't want Cath to see me like this...I'm too confused...I just can't take this anymore!_

My self reflection and anger is interrupted by Cath coming back in the room.

I smile and give her a little nod.

_I love her so much, I don't want to burden her with issues I don't even know how to handle. _

_Although, what do you think you're going to be to her when your discharged home soon Sidle...._

_SHIT!_

I physically flinch at my own thoughts which seem to attract Catherine's attention.

I quickly flash her another fake smile to avoid any further probing.

_Things are fixing to get a lot worse before they get any better I'm afraid._


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so, so much Kirky123, SJ-23, GSRCSILVR25, quietmusician and Nightlife666 for the reviews!!!****First off, sorry this took so long! Without getting into details, let's just say nasty cold + adverse reaction to medication = bad ...****sometimes life can hit you so hard that you actually stop for a second and think 'I couldn't make this shit up if I tried'...that's where I am right now. Anyways, thank you all so much for the reviews! When I nervously posted my first chapter and debated deleting it 10 minutes later because I didn't know what I was doing, never did I think I would hit chapter 30! Thanks to your reviews I'm learning as I go and enjoying the process. If it wasn't for you all reading and reviewing this, I probably would have got bored and stopped writing a long time ago and do what I do best...procrastinate and not get back to it for a year. So thank you so much! I hope I don't let you down. Take care everyone and thanks again!**

Sara came home yesterday. The guys had a little surprise welcome home party for us when we pulled up. I think it was more for us than for Sara. I don't know if Sara realizes how much she means to so many people.

I know she was shy and embarrassed, but I think it was therapeutic for all involved. The whole team was devastated when Sara got shot and now to see her doing well again has lifted the horrible weight off our shoulders.

I hope now that's she's home we can start a more aggressive recovery process. I know we both have skeletons in our closets that we need to address in order to recover.

Our first night together in months was surprisingly quiet and awkward. I could tell she was uncomfortable and that broke my heart.

When I asked her if everything was okay she said she was in a little bit of pain. Honestly though, I think it was more emotional than physical pain.

I don't want Sara to think I'm babying her, but I don't want to leave her alone. I need to go do some shopping so I have a better vegetarian selection for her...but I would feel so much better if one of the guys was here with her. Looking around to make sure Sara isn't within earshot, I set out to ask the guys.

"No, no. That's okay really. I got it covered. I'll see you tomorrow. Take care Warrick."

Just my luck...none of them are available. Shit. Well, she'll probably just be sleeping...I'll make it a fast run to the store.

As I walk into the living room I'm surprised to see Sara sitting up on the sofa watching TV.

...so much for my sleeping theory...

"Sara, I have to run to the store babe. Will you be okay here for a few minutes?" I ask trying to inspect her to see if she's in pain and if her answer is genuine.

I get an affirmative nod in response as she returns her attention back to the TV.

"Are you sure Sara? Are you in any pain? Do you need your painkiller?" I ask all in a flurry. I think I'm more nervous than she is.

Sara turns off the TV and turns around slightly to face me, as the intense concentration look graces her features.

"I'll bb-be fi-ii-nn-ne." Sara says with some effort.

Smiling at her using her voice to answer me I sit down beside her and put my hand on her knee.

"I swear I'll only be a few minutes. I have my cell, so text me if you need anything." I say lingering just a little so I can maintain contact with my love.

Sara just rolls her eyes at me and nods her head again.

Taking the hint that I'm starting to get annoying, I get up and grab my things before returning to her and kissing her goodbye.

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I watch quietly as Catherine leaves and I wait to hear her car pull out of the driveway.

I know she means well, but I feel useless and helpless enough without the mother hen routine... I can survive half an hour alone without a babysitter.

Realizing this is the first time I've been in this house since Catherine left me to 'figure things out' with her family, an involuntary shiver runs down my spine.

It feels like that happened so long ago in a different lifetime...but has much actually changed since then? The only thing that has really changed between Cath and I is the fact I almost died...I don't want us back together solely out of pity. Lindsay is still dead and I still feel responsible for it.

Gingerly I stand up and slowly walk towards the stairs. I was told that I should do much walking yet, especially on my own...in case I trip and reinjure myself. But there is something I need to see for myself...alone...without Catherine hovering over me.

I slowly make my way upstairs with my left arm protectively hugging my ribs, taking it one step at a time. The last thing I want is to hurt myself and have to listen to the litanies of 'you shouldn't have tried to go upstairs alone' for hours on end.

As I make it up the stairs I turn and stand in front of the door on the left. I stand here frozen for a few seconds before I get my seemingly stone feet to move. Maybe I don't want to do this after all.

Taking a deep breath I slowly open the door and step in. I'm astonished to see that not much has changed in here from what I remembered.

All of Lindsay's posters, pictures and belongings are still in their place. If I didn't know any better, I'd expect to see Lindsay come bounding in throwing her bag on her bed and ask why I'm standing in her room.

It looks like the only thing Cath did in this room was make the bed...other than that, I don't think she's even stepped in here since. Not that I blame her...I'm not even sure why I came in here.

As I turn to leave, a strange image flashes through my head...was that a dream or a memory? It passes too fast for me to grab a hold of it. I think it had to do with Lindsay standing in the corner of a room...

Suddenly I'm feeling a little shaky and nauseous. I think this was enough of an adventure for one day. Maybe I wasn't emotionally ready to go into Lindsay's room...but for some reason I felt drawn there.

As I make it down to the living room I make one last stop before I resume my spot on the sofa. I need to make these thoughts go away.

I feel so stupid and useless. I watched Lindsay get murdered, I let the mastermind behind her murder get away and I feel trapped in my own mind when I can't get the right words out.

I need a beer.

I know I'm on anti seizure medications and that I shouldn't mix them with alcohol...but I need these thoughts to end. I take a king can out of the fridge and take a painkiller from one of my prescription bottles. I'll have to make sure I get rid of the evidence before Catherine gets back.

If she knew I had a drink she would kill me herself. But I just need the little voice in the back of my head to go away. One beer won't kill me.

I quickly swallow the painkiller and chug the beer before disposing of the can. As I lie down and start to feel the effects of the drug and alcohol lull me into sleep, something flashes before my eyes again...am I dreaming already...that shit hit me fast.

..._Hey Jim...Jim...do you see Lindsay too? Am I going crazy?..._


	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Once again, thank you so, so much mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23, GSRCSILVR25 and quietmusician for the reviews!!!****I'm so sorry it took this long for me to get this chapter up! I've been wanting to write and get this up for days. Health, work and life have been keeping me busy. Hopefully I'll get back into a stable routine soon and get to write more. I'm not sure how many more chapters I have left in me...I'm just going to keep rolling with the punches. Thank you again everyone for reviewing and reading. I always look forward to seeing what you guys think. I'm sorry again this took so long! Take care everyone!!!**

Why is it that the coffee seems to come out slower the worse you need it?

I'm hoping the smell of this caffeine goodness will help wake up the lump on the sofa better known as Sara. When I got back from the store yesterday I found Sara asleep on the sofa and didn't have the heart to move her.

The only signs of life from her have been the occasional washroom trip and groggy grunts. She's so quiet I find myself staring at her every now and then to make sure she's still breathing. Sara has never been one to have nice long deep sleeps. She's always fussy and the lightest sleeper I know. I swear if I even think about sneezing she's up already.

Since I stalked up on good veggies, I plan on making a vegetarian feast for her today...if she ever wakes up.

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_Hey Jim, are you still there? You've been a wonderful father figure to me. Please look after Catherine. She's really going to need help._

Shit!

I jump and start gasping and gulping as much air as I can.

_What the hell was that?! That wasn't a dream...that's what happened...where am I? Was I asleep?_

"Sara, sweetheart? Are you okay? It was just a dream babe, your okay." Catherine calls from the kitchen while tentatively approaching.

_...just a dream...I wish..._

Realizing I'm on the sofa and still trying to get my thoughts in order I convince myself to take deep breaths. My hand instinctively hugs my injured chest as a few unwanted coughs creep up my throat._ I shouldn't have moved that fast._ I try to close my eyes and try get my bearings.

"Sara, are you okay love? Take deep breaths okay." Catherine says now beside me.

"I-I'm o-okay." I say in-between breaths. I'm trying to will away the spinning and growing panic.

I finally ease my eyes open and find the worried eyes of Catherine in my face.

Not trusting my voice just yet, I decide to sign to Catherine instead. "I'll be fine in a minute. Just moved too fast I guess."

"You have a bad dream babe? You want to talk about it?" Catherine asks still looking concerned.

I just shake my head no._ I really don't feel like talking right now...but I have a feeling Catherine isn't going to let it slide._

We sit in an awkward silence with only my ragged breathing filling the void until I gradually get my body back under my control.

"Sara, I think we should talk." Catherine says edging closer to me and putting a hand on my knee.

_I knew this was coming. But I guess that has been our downfall...we've been wasting too much time dancing around each other leaving so much unsaid. I guess I have to face the music sometime. _

"I mean, you don't have to answer if you don't want to...I mean I don't want to put you on the spot...or if you're uncomfortable...I just thought..." Catherine begins to uncharacteristically stammer.

"I-it's o-okay C-Cath." I manage to stutter. _I know how nervous she is right now and that breaks my heart. I know it's my fault. I hate that things have gotten to the point that she's nervous to talk freely to me. Although...I'm the exact same. We never should have got to this point..._

"Umm okay. So...What do you remember about what happened Sara?" Catherine asks in a tentative voice.

_I don't think I'll be able to vocalize this...shit! I hate that I can't form words normally and fast enough. This is so frustrating!_

I pause for a few seconds as Catherine looks expectantly at me. I finally raise my hands to sign.

"I remember all the events leading up to and including the shooting. I remember calling you and feeling myself lose consciousness." I slowly sign.

_I don't know what she wants me to tell her. I'm not sure I even want to go here myself. I can feel the emotions flooding back...this is not a place I want to be!_

Perhaps sensing my internal struggle, Catherine captures my hands and gently kisses them before rubbing my face. I didn't even know I was crying.

"Things start to get fuzzy, but I more so remember thoughts and feelings. I know Jim was there and I felt safe. I wanted to tell him I was okay and ask him to look after you, but my voice wouldn't work. My whole body felt weighed down." I continue to sign to Cath as tears slowly trail down her face as well.

"Then a peace washed over me and..." I stop signing abruptly as a memory flashes in front of me.

"It's okay Sara. You're doing very well love. Talking about it like this is a great step in your recovery. Thank you for trusting me to share this with me." Cath says while rubbing my back.

_I know she means well and is trying to make this easier on me...but she's starting to sound like a psychiatrist. Why does talking to her feel so awkward?_

"I'm so sorry for treating you the way I did Sara. I didn't mean to shut you out like that. I've had a lot of time to think about all my mistakes and I still don't know why I treated you like that. I guess it's true what people say...sometimes when you are in a crisis, you lash out against the ones you love most. I guess I was just mad...at myself...at life...and I took it all out on you...because you were there..." Cath says while still crying.

"I-it's o-okay" I struggle to say. I can really see all the stress Catherine has gone through...I can see the toll it has taken on her body.

"No Sara, it's not okay. I almost lost you! With too much unsaid...it's not okay!" Catherine says before breaking into heaving sobs.

I reach over and put my arms around her as her whole body begins to violently heave.

_I can't help but feel responsible. I know I shouldn't be thinking about myself right now but this is all my fault. Catherine looks like she's aged ten years from the weight of all the tragedy, guilt and pain. And I couldn't protect her from it...I just added to the weight._

"I'm sorry Sara. I'm okay. It's just..." Catherine says while pulling away and wiping her face.

"I-I k-know." I cut her off while leaning forward and kissing her tear stained face.

"You lost your daughter too and I know I made you feel responsible. I guess by making you responsible...in a sick selfish way, it took the onus off me. I'm so sorry Sara! Evil and greed took our daughter away. There is nothing either of us could have done Sara. We are going to have to help each other realize that. There is no fast and easy cure for us love." Catherine says while fighting to compose herself.

_God, I could use a drink right now...I just want these stupid little voices in my head to go away! I know logically what Catherine is saying is true...but why can't I stop feeling like a complete failure!_

"Sara, please forgive me and forgive yourself...I can read it all over your face. This is not your fault! I'm so sorry I let you think it was. I was wrong to shut you out...I was wrong to let you move out. I..."

"S-stop...p-please." I cut her off.

_I can't hear this right now...she did nothing wrong...it was me..._

"No Sara! No! We need to talk this through love. I'm not wasting any more chances to leave things unsaid. I love you! I have loved you since I first met you! I loved you before I even knew I loved you! We have been through hell and back, but nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. Nothing." Catherine says as we both start crying again.

"And I love Lindsay. A piece of me died with her. And we will both feel the hurt of her loss until the day we die. But Sara, we will get through it together. We will help each other okay? I know we will." Catherine continues pulling my head up to look at her.

_I don't know why, but I'm finding it hard to look at her right now. She's opening up her heart and soul to me and I still selfishly am sitting here blaming myself...what is wrong with me?!_

"And I know we will have our fights and spats along the way, but please know Sara, no matter what I may say in anger...you own my heart. From now until eternity Sara, you are my soul." Catherine says as I finally manage to look her in the eye.

"I love you Catherine!" I say in an almost shock at the clarity in which it came out.

All we can do is hold each other and cry until no more tears will come. We cried for Lindsay, for ourselves and for life in general.

Finally after all our energy is spent we decide that food can wait. I think more important right now is to go upstairs and lay down. It feels like we just ran a marathon.

_I really didn't see this coming. I knew eventually we had to talk...but we just went in head first. There is no way I'm going to be able to sneak a beer...I could really use about three right now._

I let Catherine guide us both upstairs and into bed. We just hold each other until the emotional battle we just experienced claims Catherine to sleep.

When I'm confident Catherine is in a deep sleep I slowly slide myself out from her grasp and stumble to the bathroom.

_My hands are still shaking from all the emotions our conversation brought back. Those thoughts and feelings I was telling her I remember...I can't make them go away now._

As the images flash across my mind, I grab onto the sink and close my eyes as realization hits me like a brick wall. I feel my knees go weak as they join my hands in uncontrollable vibration. I know I'm starting to panic and fight to calm my breathing before I completely lose control.

_I'm so sorry! I just...I just can't deal with this right now. Please understand...I just can't._

With shaky hands I pull out the bottle of my prescription painkillers and take 3 of the little pills and swallow them down. The prescription calls for one pill every four hours as needed...but I need more help than that.

I'm calling on old habits for dealing with unwanted thoughts and issues...drink or drug away the pain.

I slowly walk back to the bed and try to gently climb in and not disturb Catherine.

_I'm sorry Lindsay. I know you were with me that day...I remember seeing you there and your presence guiding me. I'm sorry I keep letting you down...but I just don't know what to do...I can't do this..._

I sigh in relief as I feel the effects of the powerful drugs entering my system...I crave the numbness they provide. A feeling of guilt that I'm drugging away the memories of seeing Lindsay briefly crosses my mind until that too begins to fade away from the medication. As my weary body succumbs to the welcomed darkness I think I hear someone gently calling my name. I manage to force one eye open to see Catherine in a deep peaceful sleep. My moment of confusion is cut short as the drug claims me into sleep.

_It's okay Sara, you're going to be okay. You're not alone Sara._


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and quietmusician!!!****Hello everyone! Thanks to some advice, I changed things up a little bit from all the depressed stuff. Sorry I didn't post sooner...I'm just going to blame life and leave it at that. Thanks again for reviewing and reading, I honestly really appreciate it! I hope everyone is doing well, and Happy Halloween!!!**

_No, no...I'm not getting sick...I probably just breathed in too much fingerprint powder...that's it!_

"Sara, why do you have the air conditioner on super freeze?! Your precious cargo is going to be an ice cube by the time we get home!" My backseat passenger complains.

_Shit...it's cold in here? I was just going to take off my dress shirt at the next red light so the bare arms of my tank top could cool me down._

"Sorry! Would you like my sweater? I think it's half buried under the driver seat. I don't want you to get a cold." I say fumbling with the A/C controls.

_Because I myself am not getting sick...it was fingerprint powder! I'm not getting congested...And I'm feeling hot because I'm just getting off work and it was my turn to pick up the complaining monster back there and...are my hands shaking?_

"Sara, are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed there?" My backseat monster pipes up while my shaky hands finally put the A/C on a lower setting.

"No, no, I'm fine. That better back there miss precious cargo?" I say looking in the rearview mirror as she slyly nods back.

_God, she is too much like her mother! I am hopelessly outnumbered!_

My happy thoughts are interrupted by an annoying tickle in the back of my throat.

_Oh no...don't breath...hold it in!...crap...crap..._

The windshield wipers suddenly swoosh back and forth as my attempt to suppress the sneeze resulted in my right hand twitching off the wheel and hitting the offending windshield wiper switch.

"Sara?" My now annoying...way too observant...too smart for her own good passenger inquires with a lopsided smirk.

"What? Oh...there was a stupid fly...I sent him to fly heaven." I try to say nonchalantly trying not to sniff too obviously.

_If she tells her mother I'm sick...which I'm not by the way...I'll be forced to stay home tomorrow and I'm working a really big case right now. I'll just sneak in and take some Tylenol and take a quick nap...I'll feel back to normal when I wake up._

"I thought you were one of those...love all creatures veggies? Plus, what would uncle Gill think if he knew you killed an innocent fly for no reason?" My smug looking passenger replies.

"You know what...I think it was a bee actually...not a fly." I reply as my hands grip the steering wheel a little harder.

"But bees are pollinators?!" She says without missing a beat.

"It was a June bug...and since it's almost August, I'm doing the little thing a favor by mercy killing it...it should be dead already. It was probably suffering." I say looking back at those all too familiar blue eyes roll back in disgust.

"Okay, okay...I think I'm getting sick. If you don't tell mom I'll buy you pizza when mom's at work tomorrow." I sat in a defeated huff.

My only response is an all too smug "okay" and the famous Willows smile.

"And while you're at it, throw my sweater on because I'm boiling up here...the A/C is going back to super freeze!" I say while fumbling with the controls again.

_Freaking Willows clan...if I wasn't head over heels in love with the two of them, I think they would drive me crazy! Too smart for their own good..._

The remainder of the car ride was is relative silence as I figuratively...and it felt literally steamed at the recent turn of events in my life.

_How the hell could I get sick?! I can't be sick..._

As we pull up to the driveway I turn around and try to give the little smarty pants my serious look.

"Now, cover for me. I'm going to try to sleep this off...because I can't be sick right now. Try to distract mom so I can run up and take Tylenol and take a nice cold shower." I say while my little one flashes an angelic smile.

_How the hell does she do that?! I'm supposed to be mad at her...don't smile Sidle....serious face._

"Okay Sar, but I want cheese, pepperoni and Italian sausage on my pizza." She says while maintaining the smile and hopping out of the car.

_Doomed...I'm doomed...they have me in a spell...Sara Sidle is not whipped...it's trickery, I swear!_

I toss her the keys to the house as I fight back another sneeze. As the door swings open she flashes my another smile as she runs in and throws her school bag on the floor.

"Hi mom! Where are you?!" She bellows as I try to quietly sneak in.

"Hey Linds, I'm right here babe. How was school?" Catherine calls from the kitchen.

_Sweet Linds...distract her a little longer and I'll call out to her halfway up the stairs. Then in to a nice cold shower and drug myself up and I'll be good to go._

"Not bad, I may need help with my math homework though...I hate math!" Lindsay continues in the kitchen.

_Nice Linds...almost there...just a few more steps then I can take off up the stairs...since when did the living room get this big? I feel like I've been walking forever with lead boots on just to get from the front door to the stairs...crap! I am sick..._

"Maybe Sara can help you babe, she's better at math than I am." Catherine replies before calling out.

"Hey Sara, come here! I've barely seen you all day...don't I get a welcome home." Catherine calls out as I jump slightly in surprise.

_Stupid senses...quit being in overdrive...what is wrong with my body...my muscles are so tense they actually hurt._

"Geez mom, I'm right here too...don't I get a welcome home hug?" Lindsay says in front of Cath, still trying to cover for me.

"Of course my love! How is my baby doing? I missed you so much!" Catherine says with a surprised huge smile, engulfing Lindsay in her arms.

Lindsay shoots me a look trying to squirm out of Cath's loving bear hold.

"Mom...air...it's vital to life..." Lindsay says as Catherine reluctantly lets go.

I can't help but stare and smile at my girls...I love them so much.

"Come here Sara! Your turn! Plus I want you to try this sauce. I made you a veggie one and Linds and I a meat one." Catherine says with her arms open expectantly waiting and Lindsay staring at me with wide eyes.

_Crap...if I didn't hesitate to gawk at my girls I would have made it upstairs!_

"Uh, hi love! I'm just going to grab a quick shower...I'll be down in a..." I start before I'm cut off.

"Here Sara...now!" Catherine says waving her hands at me with a huge smile.

I head over as Lindsay just looks up at me and shakes her head.

I soon find myself enveloped in Catherine's embrace until she suddenly stiffens and pulls me back at arm's length.

"Sara! Your burning up! Were you like this at work?! Sit down, I'm taking your temperature! I can't believe you Sara Sidle...I swear to God! I'm calling Griss, your staying home and seeing a doctor tomorrow." Catherine says forcing me to sit on the kitchen chair as she fusses around the kitchen.

"Extra large cheese, pepperoni and Italian sausage." Lindsay says while shaking her head and walking past me to head upstairs.

"What was that love?" Catherine says with her head in a drawer looking for a thermometer.

"Nothing." We both say at the same time as I hang my head in defeat.

"Here we go! Open up Sara!" Catherine says flashing the thermometer.

After a few seconds the annoying beep sounds and Cath stands shocked in front of me with her hands on her hips.

"Sara! Your 38.9! Go lie down on the sofa and I'll get you Tylenol and an ice pack. If we can't get it down your going to the hospital!" Catherine says in full fussing mode.

"No. You know how I feel about hospitals and doctors. I'll be fine Cath. Just let me sleep it off. Don't call Grissom yet." I say while wobbling over to the sofa. _I hate to admit it, but I do feel terrible._

"Sara, I'm not going to even argue with you right now...just lie down and give me a minute." Catherine says flustered.

_Oh man...I'm in for it! How did this come on me so fast anyway? Okay I didn't feel great when I woke up...but now I feel like I'm dying!_

"Here take these...oh God babe, you're on fire! Why didn't you tell me at work?" Catherine says in a sad tone and I can't help but feel immediately guilty.

"I didn't think it was this bad. I can't be sick Cath. The case..." I start before I'm cut off again.

"Don't even think about work...the case will go on without you! You're not using that one on me. Your health is more important than work Sara!" Catherine says in her no nonsense mother mode.

I have no choice but to swallow the offered medication and allow Catherine to place an ice pack on my head as I lay down.

_...trickery I tell you...I'm not as whipped as this looks..._

Before I know it I'm fast asleep as the gentle noises of Cath making supper fades into nothingness.

"Hey Sara, sorry love, but you need to take some more Tylenol. Let me take your temperature." Catherine says as I try to get my bearings.

"How long was I out?" I ask as I struggle to sit up and the evil thermometer is thrust in my mouth.

"About four hours. Your still burning up Sara." Catherine says worried.

_As the little machine beeps I realize how congested I am now. Keeping that thing in your mouth is hard to do when you can't breathe through your nose properly._

"Your still 38.2 Sara. Maybe we should go see a doctor love." Catherine says as I try to stifle a cough.

"I'm fine. No doctors." I protest as Catherine frowns at me.

"I swear to God Sara, sometimes your worse than Lindsay you know! You two are so stubborn." Catherine says throwing her hands up in the air.

"Hey!" I cry at the same time as Lindsay as I notice her for the first time sitting at the kitchen table with her math book open.

"Linds, you go for the legs and I'll go for the head and cough on her." I say trying to smile over at the miniature version of Catherine.

"Ha, ha...it's upstairs for you Sara Sidle. I'm tucking you in bed then I'll get you another ice pack okay. I'm seriously not liking this love." Catherine says with her concerned look returning.

I reluctantly agree and head upstairs to our room. I honestly feel awful.

As I climb into bed I quickly cover myself up as my teeth begin to chatter as I shiver involuntarily.

"Here you go." Catherine says as she comes in with the ice pack.

"I-I'm too cold." I chatter trying to move away from the offending ice pack.

"Oh my poor love!" Catherine says while climbing into bed with me.

"It's the fever babe, your burning to the touch, yet you have Goosebumps and are shivering. You got a good one...there is no way you're going into work." Catherine says while putting comforting arms around me.

I try to reply, but a cough racks my body instead.

"Honestly, how do you feel love?" Catherine asks while trying to calm my shaking body by gently stroking my arms.

"I think if I cough again my brain is going to explode and my eyes are going to fly out of my head. I'm stuffy and I just want to die." I admit as I close my eyes against the growing dizzy sensation.

"Oh love, no dying allowed. I need you too damn much. Who else can help Lindsay with her math work?" Cath says while squeezing me even harder.

"Try to sleep and I'll keep an eye on you love...I'll take care of you, I promise. And we are going to see a doctor in the morning, no complaints!" Catherine says while kissing the side of my head.

"I love you." I manage to say as I already feel myself drifting off to sleep.

"I love you too Sara. You just rest and I'll take care of everything." Catherine says as sleep claims me again.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As I look over at Sara's sleeping form I can't help but worry. As much as we tease each other, I really would be lost without my girls. They are my life.

_I love my family so much. We may not be your typical household...but who says typical is always best! As much as I may joke with Sara and Linds, I love their complaining and whining. It means we are so comfortable with each other that we wear our hearts on our sleeves and bear our burdens with each other._

As the congested snores of my beloved bellows through the room I still can't help but smile. _I am so lucky and Blessed. I hope I never forget that. _

Suddenly my peaceful sigh morphs into a sneeze...then another._ No, no, no no...you have GOT to be kidding me. _My peaceful bliss begins to rise into a panic...I give un indignant sniffle and I can't help but mutter...

"Ah Sh.."


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews Kirky123, mikkir and Harley Quinn Davidson!!!****I'm so sorry I took this long!!! Life, work and once again illness are the culprits. I apologize if this isn't one of my best...my body and brain aren't very happy with me right now. I really hope I can get things rolling with this story and finish it up soon. Thank you so much everyone for reviewing and sticking with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be writing a fanfic story and have people from around the world reading and commenting on it. This is absolutely amazing and unreal. I may actually try this whole writing thing again after this. Thank you so much!**

_Oh God I'm freezing! Maybe if I curl this way I'll warm up and be able to fall back asleep._

_...Nope, that didn't work. I can't fall asleep with my stupid teeth chattering this loud and my muscles refusing to stop twitching, like I'm telling them to. Stupid body! Why won't you listen to me._

I grumble to myself as I try changing positions again and pull another huge comforter over me. I look over at the clock and see 5:30am.

_Urgh...wasn't it just 5:20am last time I checked ages ago...All I want to do is sleep this off and feel better! I don't want to wake up Cath and have her worry and fuss over me. Just pull yourself together Sidle! Recite the procedure of logging in evidence in your head...that's boring as sin...maybe that will put me to sleep..._

_...What did I do to deserve this?!...oh, right..._

* * *

_Why am I so cold...what keeps moving beside me? I don't want to wake up yet! Five more minutes...I was having the most amazing dream...come on brain, go back to that dream, I don't want reality yet!_

_The persistent squirming won't give up...oh well Willows, get up and see what's going on...think, shouldn't you be concerned...wake up brain!...Sara!_

I finally realize who and where I am and jump with surprising speed to check on Sara.

I'm instantly greeted with the flushed sweaty face of my love, who while still sleeping has managed to rip off all her bed covers.

* * *

"Sara! Wake up love! Are you okay?! You're burning up babe!" I hear Cath yell at me seemingly at a distance.

As I slowly open my eyes I realize with some dismay that I did manage to fall back asleep, but I feel even worse than before.

"Urgh...Ggggghhhh." _Nice....that was really sexy Sidle...way to greet your love first thing in the morning! My only defense is what I wanted to say sounded way better in my mind._

_I feel like my body is on fire! Urgh I feel so gross...I'm covered in sweat! I feel terrible!_

"Sara, I'm going to get you Tylenol and call the nurse. The infection on the wound must be getting worse. Just give me a minute and we'll get you all cleaned up and feeling better okay?" Cath says in a nervous huff.

"Y-yeah, okay." I say as I start to feel cold again.

_Stupid body make up your mind! Am I hot or am I cold?! This is miserable! I haven't felt this sick in years. Last time I was this feverish was during that big case when I tried to hide it from Cath and I ended up having to bribe Lindsay with a pizza to help me try to cover up. It didn't work very well...and then Cath found out I got the pizza for Linds too and I got busted for that as well. Wasn't a great week for me...oh God I miss Linds so much..._

I silent tear trickles out my eye as I smile at the memory. I quickly wipe it away before Cath comes back.

_I hate how she worries so much when I get sick...I don't even want to think about how it must have been for her after the shooting. I know the team really rallied behind her to support her. I forever owe them a debt for that._

_The way Cath is fussing about this damn infection is like she thinks I'm dying. This kind of complication is normal...the stupid incision is all the way down my chest...it's just the lower part of it that's inflamed. I'll probably just be put on antibiotics for a while and that will be the end of it. I hate that Catherine's nerves are so on edge because of me...all I ever wanted in life was to protect her...why is it that all I ever manage to do is cause more complication and pain?_

"Okay babe, the nurse will be here in an hour or so to change the dressing and assess it. She said you can take the Tylenol now, but I should take your temperature first." Catherine says as I jump slightly from being caught off guard.

_I hope she didn't notice I looked startled...I guess I was just too deep in thought there. How did my life get to this point?_

"Okay Sara, you definitely have a fever, you're 38.5. Take the Tylenol and let me help you into the shower. You'll feel much better soon love." Catherine says while helping me sit up.

_As much as I hate to admit it, I do need the extra help right now...I'm hot, I'm cold...I'm just plain weak._

"I'll b-be okay in the s-shower. Just come i-if you hear a b-bang." I say trying to smirk as Cath guides me in the washroom.

"Okay, but don't lock the door. I'll be right in here tidying up for the nurse." Cath says while rubbing the back of my sweaty head.

"Is t-the...ummm...the...s-shit!...the..."

"Yeah all your shampoo, creams and razors are on the side counter there babe. The towels are clean too." Cath cuts me off as I struggle to find the words.

"T-thanks." I say frowning as I shut the door.

_It's so damn frustrating when I can't find the right stupid words! I know what I want to say but my stupid brain won't tell my mouth! God this is pissing me off..._

* * *

As the door shuts and the shower is turned on I start to make the bed and tidy the room.

I feel so bad for Sara when I see her getting frustrated when she stutters or struggles to say what she wants to say. I wish she could see how well she's doing instead of seeing only limitations.

Sara has been doing so well with her SLP sessions. Her speech is amazingly clear now. We don't use signs or the other tools much anymore. It's mainly when she gets stuck trying to express herself and she can't get the words out right away...she seems to panic and beat herself up.

I will never truly understand how frustrating it must be for her...but what I what her to understand is how far she's come and how far she will continue to go. Not even the experts would have thought she would do this well...we were preparing for her being in a persistent vegetative state.

It's not just her speech that's come a long way either. The Physio team are floored at her strength. I mean, she's in the shower right now and yeah, I am a little worried but I'm not poking my head in to make sure she's stable in there...I know she's stable on her feet now.

The hardest part is making sure she doesn't over do things. She does get tired easily...whether she admits it or not.

The surgical scars and wounds have mostly healed too...except for this stubborn infected part. It's strange, the upper half of the wound has closed nicely...it's the bottom part that's inflamed and still open a bit. It's oozing some nasty stuff too...it must be painful.

As I finish up the room I hear the shower being turned off and coughing echo through the bathroom.

I don't like that cough...I know her ribs and chest are sore still and I hate to think of those coughs causing her more pain.

* * *

"Before you e-even s-say it...yes I'm f-fine in here!" I shout from the bathroom.

_Truth is...that hurt like hell! I freaking saw stars just now...and the few specks of blood that came up weren't that pleasant either._

"Okay babe, come on out and sit here and I'll brush out your hair. Do you feel any better?" Cath yells back to me from the bedroom as I reach to open up the door.

"A bit...I g-guess." I say trying not to look as beat as I feel.

"No offence, but you don't look it babe. You look exhausted." Catherine says as I sit on the chair in front of her. It always relaxes me when she brushes my hair.

"You still feel hot babe. You need to drink plenty of fluids...I'm going to make you some tea after this." Cath says as I close my eyes.

_What I could really use is a shot of something strong...that will set me free._

When we finish up we go downstairs to wait for the nurse and Cath makes me lie down on the sofa. I do feel a little better...just really weak.

A few cups of tea and a routine nurse visit later, I pretty much was told what I expected. My wound is infected. The nurse took a swab, cleaned and re-bandaged the wound and wrote a detailed assessment slip we have to take to their doctor clinic so the doc will give me a prescription for antibiotics....I told Cath this would happen...

"I know, you don't have to even say it...I was just worried...it's better to be safe." Catherine says as we drive the short distance to the clinic.

"I k-know, thank you. I just hate to s-see you worry. I'm j-just...I'm sorry." I say quickly before looking down.

_Now is not the time to get emotional Sidle...you're in a car...you can't escape if things get too heavy. I just feel like shit...I'm frustrated, I feel guilty, I miss Linds, I'm sick...sometimes I just can't help but wish I had died..._

"Sara?" Catherine asks looking at me._ I know she's picking up on my vibe._

"J-just not right n-now." I reply knowing she wants to talk.

_I feel too unstable to talk about it this second...normally I would turn to my old friend Jack or a beer to help take the edge off when I start to feel depressed. Maybe a few of my pain pills will do the trick..._

As we enter the clinic I feel Catherine's mood is starting to follow my lead...I can feel the sadness and worry start to radiate from her...my stomach sinks even further.

As promised, thanks to the note we didn't have to wait long before we were seen and got the prescription for the antibiotics. I took the opportunity to ask for a refill on my pain meds as well.

_Those will be useful for later...even though I still have some left at home...the more the merrier..._

The car ride home was in an awkward relative silence. Neither one of us wanting to push the other to talk. _To be honest, the fever was draining what little energy and strength I had left._

As we finally pull into our driveway I look at the two pill bottle in my hands.

"Now, you have to finish those antibiotics Sara...not like last time...even if it upsets your stomach a bit, it's better than septic shock!" Catherine says in her no bullshit mother tone.

"But I t-think these were the o-ones that g-gave me the runs!" I say in mild panic.

"I'll keep you well hydrated and make sure we're well stocked with air freshener...you'll survive Sara." Cath says as we enter the house.

"Here g-goes my dignity..." I say heaving a huge sigh.

Sometimes life is just unfair...


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Wow! Thanks so much for the kind reviews Harley Quinn Davidson, GSRCSILVR25, mikkir, SnakeGoddess, Kirky123 and quietmusician!!! As always, your reviews and words of support really keep me going with this story, thanks. I had this written and ready for two days now and this is the first time I got to sit in front of my computer! I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel for this story...I am just floored at how long it already is...but I think I see an end in sight. I have one more twist in mind then the fun part of finding a way to end it. Thank you so, so much for sticking with me and reading and reviewing this story. For my first time ever doing this, the response you all gave me guided and inspired me to get to this point. Thank you! Take care everyone...and I'll try not to take as long with the next one :)**

"Will you at l-least consider it? I can t-take care of myself f-for a few hours, I swear!" I ask exasperated while looking out the window of the car.

"Let's wait and see what the doctors have to say about the results first okay. Let's take this one step at a time Sara." Catherine says refusing to look at me as well.

"W-why do t-they have t-to be b-baby steps!" I say raising me voice and subsequently stuttering even more. _Whenever I get too emotional or excited my brain seems to mess up my speech even more...it's not fair!_

"You k-know what, n-never mind!" I say frustrated almost to tears.

"I'm sorry Sara, I didn't mean to upset you. It's not that I don't trust you or think you're ready, it's just me being super paranoid. I don't think I'm ready...It's just, if I'm at work...I don't know..." Catherine struggles to say.

_I really shouldn't have brought this up in the car...I hate car fights...I can't escape when I mess things up._

"We'll just see okay...let's see." Catherine finishes as I stubbornly remain silent.

_The truth is too, I didn't take any of my pain pills yet today because I'm seeing the doctor...and I think the lack of them is effecting my nerves. And no I don't have a drug problem...I could stop taking them if I wanted...I just don't want to right now..._

As predicted, the rest of the car ride was in silence. _Truth is, I'm dying for a drink...or a smoke...if Cath went back to work and I wasn't monitored like a child 24/7, I could actually enjoy these things a little without getting busted and subsequently killed._

As we head inside the doctor's office and are placed in different waiting rooms we both remain silent, both lost in our own worlds of thought. I go through the familiar routine of being poked and prodded and having my vital signs taken. It takes a good deal of will power not to cringe at the sterile hospital smell.

_I've never liked hospitals or doctors since my many traumatic experiences as a child...and the last year hasn't done much to change my abhorrence of all things hospital._

Once I get the all clear that my vitals show I am alive and well, it's back to waiting for the doctor to come in and give me the results of last week's tests. While I sit fidgeting on the examination bed, Cath seems just as tense in the chair across from me.

"Hello ladies, sorry for the wait. You both look well." The balding doctor announces as he sweeps into the room.

_That's funny...the aura between us seems far from well..._

After a brief exchange of routine pleasantries we get down to business.

"Well, as I'm sure you can both see yourselves Sara has come a long ways since those tense few days in the ICU. It's quite a miracle recovery actually. The head CT didn't show anything new. The damaged area of the brain remains...but judging by your speech and functioning, nerves must have rearranged new connections around the damage because you are able to walk and speak quite well. I would recommend coming for routine scans every 6 months or so just to make sure there isn't any fluid build up from the old damage. Some patients require a shunt to drain fluid from the brain following severe brain injury...but we will cross that bridge if we come to it." The older doctor adds in at the end as we both straighten up at the mention of more complications.

"The scans of your chest didn't show any further damage either. The broken ribs are healing very well, so I'm not too concerned there. Your lung seems to be doing well too...given you are missing part of the lower lobe. How is the wound doing? May I take a look?" The doctor asks as he guides me to lie down on the bed.

"She hasn't had any further fevers since she completed the course of antibiotics and the nurse said the infected part of the incision is starting to heal finally." Catherine says from her position on the chair as the doctor pulls up my shirt and begins probing.

"That's good. How is the pain Sara?" The doctor asks as he presses around the wound.

"It's still s-sore. I could use a-another refill of the p-pain meds actually." I say filching slightly under his touch.

_I don't want to see Cath's expression right now...although she hasn't said it yet, I know she's not happy with the amount and strength of the medications I'm taking. That's the only good thing about being shot, having broken ribs, major surgical wounds, brain damage and missing a part of my lung...the doctors haven't been stingy with the pain meds._

"Okay, not a problem. The wound is still irritated, but I do think it should start closing up finally. Overall things are looking good Sara. Are you following up with a councilor?" The doctor asks as he helps me to sit back up.

I guess he takes our silence for an answer.

"I can refer you to a very good guy...he's an old friend of mine. I'll have the secretary put in the referral for you and they'll call you with more information." The doctor says oblivious to the growing tension in the room.

"Thank you doctor. So is there anything specific we should be doing...other then the SLP, Physio and nurse visits?" Catherine asks as I refuse to respond to his last comment.

"I think you should keep doing what you're doing for now. We'll keep monitoring, but I really doing see any problems right now. You're doing extremely well Sara. You should be very proud." He says smiling and reaching out to shake my hand.

_Funny...I don't feel that at all..._

Everyone exchanges pleasantries again and we all go our own ways.

The feeling in the car on the way home is tense. Once again we are both leaving our feelings unsaid.

_I know we still have many issues to address...but if we open one can of worms, I'm not sure I have the stamina for everything that could potentially be unleashed. I'm just fed up and frustrated...I just wish the bullet that took Lindsay took me instead. I was screwed up to begin with...I think now I'm just too far gone. I don't think it's even worth the effort to try to repair me at this point._

"Sara, I want you to take the referral and see this councilor. If you're not going to talk to me about it, at least talk to someone. You need to forgive yourself first...then we can work on everything else." Catherine says breaking the silence.

"Y-you're one to talk...h-have you come to t-terms with it yourself Catherine? Maybe I'm n-not the only o-one that needs to be fixed." I say annoyed.

"Sara..."

"No...h-haven't I been through e-enough?...just l-leave me alone!" I say harshly.

"Is that what you want Sara?" Catherine asks in a detached tone.

"Yes!" I say wishing we both weren't in the car right now.

"Well, why don't you go home and drug yourself back into a stupor with your painkillers again. How many refills have you got taken out in the past 2 months anyway?" Catherine says just as harsh.

And now the lines have been clearly drawn in the sand. The rest of the car ride was made in silence.

* * *

_Shit! I shouldn't have said that! Why did I say it like that! I was planning on bringing up the painkiller topic as gently as possible. Now I've completely screwed that up!_

_But you know what...I've put up with a lot...I've been very understanding and patient with Sara. This hasn't been easy on me either! I went from losing my daughter and trying to deal with that, to almost losing Sara. I've spent more time in hospitals then I do at home. I haven't been able to work since Lindsay died. I can't take all this stress either!_

_Sara needs to heal mentally and physically...but I need to heal too! It's hard worrying for the both of us all the time!_

_...Still...I could have handled the drug issue better..._

* * *

As we make it home and both sulk as we enter the house, Catherine collapses on the sofa and I storm upstairs.

_How dare she talk to me like that!...although she does have a point about the drugs Sidle, you're not always in enough pain to justify the amount of pills you take...No! I don't have a problem!_

_...yes I do...I am the problem..._

When I get to our room I raid my secret area for the beer I hid there. I quietly crack it open, chug the contents and chase it with a few of my pills. I place the empty can with the others and grab another one. When I finish, I quickly stow away my contraband so Catherine won't see it.

I throw myself on the bed and wait for my special elixir to take effect.

_I'll think of a solution later...I've had enough excitement for one day. My problems will still be there when I get up. _


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so much once again for the encouraging reviews Harley Quinn Davidson, mikkir, Kirky123 and ConnieLover!!! I always look forward to seeing what you guys think :) I have a pretty clear plan what I want to do now...for better or worse :) I'm both happy and sad that I see an end in sight for this story. I will have to try this again sometime :) I wouldn't have made it this far without all of your encouragement...thanks you all! I hope I don't disappoint. Thanks everyone for reading...and please feel free to review eh...even with the end in sight, I'm still open to suggestion. Take care everyone!**

"Sara, I'm heading to work now. Call if you need anything okay." Catherine says from the doorway of our room.

"Okay, b-be careful." I say in a half asleep slur as I turn myself and reposition under the bed covers.

After our little argument in the car two days ago Catherine called work about her coming back from the leave of absence. Today is her first shift back.

_Things are still tense between us...we have resumed our bad habit of keeping our anger and emotions in. I guess we know how to push each other's buttons so well that we avoid discussing sore topics because we can both become volatile when angry. Objects tend to break when we really get over the top mad. I'm not proud of that fact...it brings back too many bad childhood memories...and promises I made to myself all those years ago about dealing properly with anger._

_I really don't know what to do anymore. I think a part of me is angry at the fact that some of Catherine's accusations are true...somewhere deep down I know I should get professional help to deal with my feelings regarding Lindsay's death...but on the other hand...I don't know, I just want life back to those happy days when we were a family._ But there are no extra lives in this game...you can't undo death.

_And so here I find myself again. Facing life post-tragedy...having pushed away the one I love most. I am such a screw up! After Lindsay died I avoided working things out with Cath by moving back to my apartment. Then I was given a second chance by surviving being shot myself and what do I do? Catherine's back at work and I'm alone here in our house...good work Sidle._

_You know what, this is too much thinking for someone that just woke up...time to drink. Old habits do die hard._

As I drag my tired body downstairs to raid our stash of alcohol, I realize I can't remember the last time I was in this house for hours all alone. This place was always buzzing with activity...with either family or friends. Now it seems so unnaturally quiet and cold.

I think I feel like some nice wine...we always have a good few bottles of wine in the house incase Cath's parents or sister come over. I select a semi-sweet white wine then search around for the corkscrew.

_It's been so long since I've had wine...I'm not sure where the damn thing is! It's not like I can call Cath and ask...she's a CSI...no one would ever find my body!_

_...Think Sidle...when was the last time you and Cath had wine? When was the last time you had a nice candle lit dinner at home with a chilled glass of wine?...has it really been that long?_

As I search the drawers in the kitchen for the elusive corkscrew my hand brushes over something soft. When I pull it out for further investigation I feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and I almost drop the item like it had burned me.

In my hand is Lindsay's favorite hair clip with several strands of her beautiful blonde hair still stuck to it.

Tears immediately sting my eyes and I put the clip back and close the door while I begin to hyperventilate. I back away from the counter until my back hits up against the wall behind me. I quickly reach for I can of beer and inhale the contents before I even realize what I'm doing.

_I'm not even going to let myself think about this...I didn't see anything...all I want is the damn corkscrew so I can open my wine!_

Deciding I don't want to be looking around in here anymore for fear of seeing anything else, I go to my kit and look for the pocketknife I know should be in there.

I then take my pocketknife with the simple corkscrew, the bottle of wine and the secret pack of cigarettes I had hidden long ago with me into the backyard.

After struggling with the cork for a few minutes I finally get it open and drink straight out of the bottle and light up a cigarette. I try desperately to get the dying images of Lindsay and the disappointed looks from Catherine out of my head. I drink until the pain and my body numbs.

I have no concept of time or how many smokes or how much alcohol I've consumed. Suddenly I hear a little nagging voice in my head telling me to go inside. I fight it at first...then finally agree with the voice that I need the warmth of our home.

I stumble in and throw the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and place the wine next to the sofa. I'm about to sit down on the sofa when an irritated grumble emanates from my stomach.

_I'm not going to puke am I? I haven't had enough to make me that drunk! I'm not a lightweight! Years of drinking to solve my problems has given me quite a tolerance to alcohol...I could drink grown men under the table!_

My alcohol based contemplation is cut short as a burning sensation makes its way up my abdomen and I'm forced to quickly stumble toward the bathroom.

Before I know it I'm on my knees praying to the porcelain god... puking until nothing else will come up and my stomach seems to just be contracting at will.

When I'm confident my stomach has finished it's rebellion, I pull myself up and drag my sore ribs and body to the sofa and collapse there._ I can't believe how much my body is shaking...I never was this bad from drinking before...maybe I had more to drink than I thought._

A few coughs begin to rack my sore body and I grab a tissue from the coffee table. _Is that blood I taste? Or is that from the fact I just puked my guts up for 10 minutes?_

Once again my contemplation is cut short as this time sleep claims me as soon as my body settles into the sofa.

* * *

_Why isn't Sara picking up the phone? I wanted to see if she wanted anything from the fast food place. I hope she didn't fall...or something worse. _

_No, I'm just being paranoid...she's been doing very well...she's probably sleeping. Those pills she takes seems to knock her out pretty good. I wish she would stop taking them. I wish I had addressed the issue more gently. I know she's struggled with substance abuse in the past...I really should have been more sensitive with the topic. But I'm at the end of my rope too...it's hard being the strong, stable one all the time. Maybe Sara's right...we both could use some counseling._

_I wish she would pick up the damn phone though. It's been so hard trying to concentrate on work today. Even though Grissom gave me a pretty light assignment today to get me back into the swing of things...I couldn't keep my mind off Sara for more than a few minutes at a time._

_It didn't help that Grissom told me they had closed Todd's case last week...it was delayed due to something about Sara's breaking and entering when she was shot...but since he's dead no charges will be laid. Which means the option for her to come back to work someday is still a possibility._

As I pull into our driveway I silently sigh at the calm look of our house. _It can't be that bad...the house is not burned down...and there's no police or anything...it looks normal and quiet._

I enter the house, toss my keys on the table and announce my presence. Sara doesn't answer but I can see her peacefully sleeping on the sofa.

* * *

Somewhere in the deep regions of my mind I can hear the front door open and Catherine's voice calling out to me. _I didn't even know I was asleep...I better get myself up and see how her first day back was. Wait...why do I feel so nauseous?_

"Sara! What the hell is this?!" Catherine yells closer to me this time.

The pitch and intensity of her scream wakes me completely up and I instinctively flinch in response.

"Ww-what's w-wrong?" I stutter as I struggle to sit up and figure out where the fire is.

"What's wrong?! What's wrong? There's half a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table in front of you! That's what's wrong!" Catherine yells which only worsens the increasing pounding in my skull.

"I-I ummm I...I'm g-going to be s-sick..." I mutter as I try to get my legs under me to get myself to the washroom.

My mind barely has time to contemplate what's going on...all I know for sure is I have to get to the washroom or we are going to need to rent a steam cleaner.

I resume my earlier position on my knees in front of the toilet as Catherine storms behind me, yelling as she goes.

"What is wrong with you Sara! Were you even thinking or are you too high for that? You are worse than a child! I can't trust you to be alone for more than a few hours! Look at you!" Catherine yells behind me as the spasms in my stomach only worsen.

"Look at you shaking like that! Did you even start to think about how alcohol reacts with all the new medications you are on? You're on an anti-seizure medication for God sake! You're not supposed to mix those with alcohol! You could have a seizure right now!" Catherine continues as her voice bounces off the small bathroom walls and mercilessly reverberates in my brain.

"And smoking Sara! You are missing part of your lung! There were specks of blood on those tissues by the sofa...why do you suppose that is?! God Sara!" Catherine finishes in a huff.

I can't come up with a response to her verbal attack as my stomach continues to contract against my will. As bad as I feel physically right now...I feel 10 times worse mentally. I have no defense.

"Well?! Do you have anything to say for yourself? I come home after my first day back at work...my first day Sara...and I find you like this! How long has this been going on huh?" Catherine continues to yell as I flush the toilet and try to stand on my shaky legs.

"All I wanted to do was try to get back to a somewhat normal life. To get back to work and function like a normal person...but no. After a stressful day at work I come home to even more stress!" Catherine yells as her voice begins to crack from the strained pitch of her voice.

All I can do is stumble back to the sofa and hold my head from not only the growing headache, but from the truth of her accusations.

"After everything we've been through...after the sleepless nights I spent wondering if I was going to lose you too...after the hours of rehab...this is how you are going to spend your life...and mine! I can't take this Sara...haven't I been through enough?!" Catherine says as her eyes begin to fill with tears...driving the killing blow to my heart.

"I give up Sara...if this life...if this life with me isn't enough to make you want to try and recover...if you want to just give up and resume all these bad habits that I thought we already had overcome...I thought we buried these skeletons already Sara! If you want to just give up on all of it and just slowly kill yourself then fine!" Catherine says while throwing her arms up. All I can do is sit in stunned realization.

"I can't do this Sara...I need to get out of here...I'll be back...I need some air...I can't believe this!" Catherine finally says while grabbing her keys and storming out the door without even looking back.

I'm suddenly left alone again with her accusatory words of truth hanging in the air.

_Everything she just said was true...I was being so selfish. I did it again...I hurt the one person that means more to me than life itself. I was just thinking of myself and how much I was hurting...both physically and emotionally. I should have just gone to those psychiatry sessions...instead I reverted back to bad habits...bad habits that Catherine helped me break. I hurt her again. I swore I wouldn't hurt her again._

I quickly force myself to stand up and grab the cigarettes and rip them out of the pack and stomp them on the floor.

With tears in my eyes and with shaky hands I take the half empty bottle of wine and hurl it at the wall and watch in strange fascination as it explodes in a plume of glass and liquid.

Breathing heavily and feeling my ribs protest in response I pace back and forth for a few seconds before collapsing in a boneless heap on the sofa once again.

_I did it again...I did it again...how could I do this to Catherine again! I promised...I promised Lindsay I would take care of her mom...but I failed._

_All I do is cause more pain. I hurt her more deeply than anyone else could. And I will only continue to hurt her. I took her daughter from her and I took her life away as well._

_I'm a failure! I'm an ugly, worthless coward! I would be doing her a favor if I wasn't in her life anymore. She said it herself...I've put her through hell and enough is enough._

_She's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She could have anyone she wants. She's perfect. She deserves only the best. And I am corrupting her...bringing her down._

I jump up off the sofa again with my hands clinched in a fist. Like a caged animal, I pace back and forth with tears streaming down my face.

_I'm worthless! I failed Catherine! I'm selfish! I'm stupid! I'm ugly! I'm damaged! I'm dead inside._

I taste iron and realize I brought my fist up to my face and bit down on my knuckle to the point of drawing blood. My body is now racked with huge heaving sobs as I stumble back and forth in my pacing movements. My heart is pounding in my ears and I know I'm hyperventilating. My still healing body is not enjoying the extra stress. All the realizations and accusations are hitting me now, and I'm in a frenzied panic.

_I should have died...not Lindsay! I should have done something to stop it. Just like I should have done my job properly and found Eddie's murderer. Catherine was right...I'll never be as beautiful or smart as her. I'm unstable...I'm beneath her. I can't talk properly...I'm brain damaged in more ways than one. She would be better off without me...the world would be better off without me. I will just continue to bring her down and cause her more pain._

With tear filled eyes and on shaky legs I walk first to the kitchen and find what I need before heading back to the living room and with my hands shaking beyond my control I somehow manage to unlock the small safe Cath and I keep next to the TV and pick up my gun.

I close my eyes and remember the look in Lindsay's eyes as the gun was pressed against her beautiful head. As I feel the cold unforgiving metal pressed against my own head, I wonder what must have been going through her mind right before she took her last breath. I open my eyes and look at the hair clip with Lindsay's hair held tight in my other fist before taking a deep breath.

_I'm sorry...I'm so sorry Lindsay...please forgive me..._


	36. Chapter 36

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Thank you so so much mikkir and Kirky123 for the reviews!!! Once again, thank you very much for reading everyone! I was looking back at the first chapter and I can't believe how far this story has come. You all have made this whole experience of writing a fanfic very enjoyable. Thank you all again! Take care everyone!**

_I can't believe her! She's the smartest woman I know and yet she can be so dumb when it comes to herself! Drinking and smoking in her condition! Oh Sara..._

I circle around the block a few times before pulling into the convenience store parking lot. I probably shouldn't be driving when I'm this upset.

_I don't know what to do! It's all just too much...too much stress for too long. I guess I had expected all along that Sara's demons regarding substance abuse would rear their ugly head...but thinking it and seeing it are two completely different things. Seeing her like that was a punch to the chest._

Tears of anger, fear and frustration burn their way down my cheeks and I can only lower my head in defeat.

_Oh Sara...what do I do? What can I do to help you? I knew about these demons before we got serious...I've helped you beat them before...we will defeat them again. I'm not going to give up on you, even when you give up on yourself. I just love you too damn much!_

_Sometimes I could just kill her..._

_...wait..._

_...no...she wouldn't right...she knows I didn't mean it when I said if she wants to kill herself then fine...right?..._

_Oh God!_

I throw the car in drive and tear my way out of the parking lot and back toward our house. My tears of frustration and self pity are quickly replaced by blinding fear.

_She wouldn't do anything rash...she's still too out of it...she's probably puking or just sleeping it off...right..._

_Then why am I getting this horrible feeling? I can almost hear Lindsay's voice in my head telling me to go home. I really have a bad feeling about this! Please let me just be being paranoid...I already used up my second chance...I don't think I'll get a third._

With my tires screeching in protest, I pull into the driveway and fly out of the car. In my haste I fumble with the keys for a few seconds before finding the right one and plunging it into the lock.

What greets me when I open the door will forever be burned into my mind and live in my nightmare for years to come.

I'm greeted with the sight of a smashed wine bottle, ripped up cigarettes and Sara in the living room with a gun to her head.

* * *

With my eyes closed and the images of Lindsay dying in my head, I put pressure on the trigger and shoot off one last prayer and apology to Lindsay and prepare for the bullet that will finally end everyone's suffering.

However, instead to the bang of the gun against my head, a bang rings out through our house as Catherine forcefully opens the front door and stands in shock staring at me.

"N-n-no! g-go a-away!" I stutter while taking a step back with the gun still firmly pressed against my temple.

"P-please...just let m-me end this...please...I'm so s-sorry...please..." I continue as tears stream down my face.

"Oh my God Sara! Oh God...Sara...don't...just put the gun down...oh my God!" Catherine says in shock with her arms outstretched towards me.

"D-don't move. Catherine...p-please...don't...j-just let me do t-this...you don't u-understand..." I say still sobbing in despair and fear.

"Sara...we can work things out...you don't have to do this...please...please...just put the gun down. Please don't do this to me...I love you!" Catherine says stepping closer to me now crying herself.

"I love you too...t-that's why I have t-to do this. I'm so sorry. I'm s-sorry for everything. I failed you." I say sniffing back another sob. _I don't want to blow my brains out in front of her...but I have to end this. I have to rid her of my malignant presence. I can't keep causing her pain. I should have just overdosed on my pain meds...then she wouldn't have been traumatized by this experience. God, I can't even kill myself right!_

"Sara..." Catherine starts while taking another step toward me.

"Stop!" I yell, snapping my gun up toward her, effectively cutting her off and stopping her in her tracks.

_Now I really have no clue what I'm doing! Now I'm pointing a gun at my love! _She's looking at me shocked with her hands up in surrender.

"S-see...t-this is w-why I have to do t-this...all I do is c-cause you pain. F-find someone g-good Catherine. You deserve o-only the best." I say stepping back again to put more distance between us.

"No Sara, all I need...all I've ever needed is you. I was prepared to buy a hospital bed and hire a private nurse and take care of you...be with you until the day I died and I would have been happy. My life would be content and complete...because I was with you. No matter what state you were in...the important thing was that we were together...and we loved each other." Catherine says while fighting back tears and reaching her hands out to me once more.

A fresh wave of tears stream down my face as a pathetic sob escapes my lips. I quickly snap the gun back to my head and take another step away from Catherine. I don't want my blood to splatter on her.

"Please Sara...I love you...please. I'm so sorry I said those things before, I didn't mean it...I was just so scared for you and angry. I love you!" Catherine pleads as she sniffs back more tears.

In a state of despair even I didn't think possible, all I can do is slowly shake my head 'no' and try to keep the gun pressed against my head. My whole body is starting to feel weak and heavy.

"Then point the gun back at me Sara...shoot me! Because if you die, you are going to kill me as well. One part of my heart died with Lindsay...the last part will die with you...so if you're going to kill yourself, kill me first!" Cath says before a heart breaking sob escapes her lips.

"P-please Cath...just leave...or j-just let me l-leave...and you'll never be b-burdened by me again. J-just let me go." I manage to say as an identical sob escapes me as well.

"I'm not going to let you do this Sara...I can't live without you...I won't." Catherine says slowly walking toward me.

My arms feel like lead and against my will my right arm slumps down to my side, taking the gun away from my head. Catherine's words of sorrow have pieced my heart worse than any bullet could.

"What is that in your hand?" Catherine asks as she stands just a few feet in front of me.

I can't find my voice, but I hold out my hand revealing the hair clip with Lindsay's hair.

Catherine slowly and gently takes the treasured item and holds it up close to her face before sobbing once again then reverently kissing it.

Seeing her pain ignites the passion of why I should be dead and out of her life, so I put the gun back to my head and take a few steps back from Catherine.

"Sara, if you kill yourself now, I'll just take the gun and kill myself right here too. One way or another I'm not leaving you alone. I love you. You're my soul mate. We belong together...either in this life or the next." Catherine says stepping toward me.

My back is now against the wall and I'm shaking and crying uncontrollably. I close my eyes and tighten my grip on the gun.

"Give me the gun Sara. I'm so sorry. We'll get each other through this. Trust me. Everything is going to be okay. I'm so sorry. I love you." Catherine says in a firm gentle voice.

With my eyes still closed I feel her soft warm lips press against my face before her hands cover mine and she takes the gun away from my skull.

My knees give out and she lowers me, back still against the wall, into a sitting position. She holds me as I shake and cry.

"Thank you Sara. It's going to be okay love...whatever it takes...we are going to be okay. I'm so sorry about what I said...please forgive me. I love you so much. I love you Sara!" Catherine mutters in my ear while holding and kissing me.

She continues this mantra until I fade into the realm of sleep.

* * *

It's been a week since our fight and Sara's suicide attempt. I'd love to say things are great and we are living our happily ever after, but like I tell Sara every day, we are going to get through this. Nothing in life is simple and straight forward, especially with Sara and I...so don't expect anything different this time around. But the important thing is we are taking steps in the right direction.

Sara and I, both together and separately are seeing specialists to help and guide us in the right direction. We have both lost so much...but we have so much more to gain.

We have talked about the possibility of adopting a child...after we take better care of ourselves first. It gives us both an extra goal to strive for. But even if that doesn't pan out, I'm confident we will get back to our loving family life.

Sara once said to me...many years ago, that two bright women are better than one...and I believe it now more so than ever.

If the true merit of a person comes out during times of struggle and hardship...I have faith that there is nothing we can't overcome together. We've both been through hell and back together and we still love each other now, just as much as we ever have before.

It won't be easy, and I know there will still be many fights and hurdles along the way, but we will see each other through. We truly are soul mates...we are destined to be together forever.

Our undying love will guide us and we will rise above adversity.

**A/N: Well there you have it! I can't believe it's actually done! I was thinking of expanding it a bit more, but then decided on this...leaving things kinda unfinished and open. Maybe if an idea comes to me, I'd consider a sequel...feel free to message me if you have any suggestions...I'd totally take it into consideration. I have an odd idea for a possible GSR piece, but I want to come up with a basic plan before I post anything. Thank you all so much once again! Without your reviews and support I don't think this story would have been completed. Please feel free to message me with any comments or suggestions. Thanks again and take care!**


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